Who Am I?

12 March 2012

I've been disappointing my former self, my future self, my husband, my children, my parents, and my current self lately. Who on earth do I think I am?
failing, that's who.

In five filthy ways ...

1. Hungerhead style. I recently found my glazed over eyes watching any Hunger Games trailer clip I could get my little juvenile paws on. Each clip twice ... sometimes thrice.

2. Vanity (hair)style. I called Jessica from the hair tools (?) aisle of Target to debate the merit of a buying a 1/2 inch curling wand (not to be confused with a curling iron -- no no) vs. a 1 inch curling wand. Which would give me more voluminous hair magic to pair with my pajama jeans and musty Hanes v-neck uniform?*

3.  Cheater. Stretching the definition of the Lenten moratorium on sweets. Blueberry muffin, carrot cake and children's gummy vitamin overdose. Repeat.

4. Helicopter hypochondriac. In the cold/flu medicine aisle last night, I found myself buying every bottle of children's decongestant, vat of vapor rub, and promised Ann Sullivans I could successfully hide from Julia's eager mitts of ruin. Recommended for four years of age and up, Recommended for four years of age and schmup. Curé of ours.

5. An embarrassment. When I went to purchase my curling wand, gummy vitamins, and Keller nannies I hit a Julia-whining-in-public-lim-to-the-it in the check-out line of 80 other Target patrons. So I did what any self-no-respecting mom would do. After unsuccessfully trying to use my bicuspids to break the gummy vitamin seal I violently used my sharp as a feather car key to liberate the nutritious bears from their bottle cage directly into Julia's open and violently coughing mouth. Did I mention that there were about 80 horrified onlookers? Good, because there were. PTSD of a desperate and well-rested mousewife out in public be real. Really, really real.

*and in case you were curious about the results of many precious minutes spent with my curling wand ...
 ...definitely not a waste of my time. at all.


  1. 6. You are highlarious!

    7. Love your shirt.

    8. The wand, well, maybe you can get your money back...

  2. dude. carrot cake? why even try to withstand? and you know, we moms, we lie. we say we are what we want to be: the overly-crafting, perfectly sensory'd household, organic yet fun and spontaneous, and really realllllllly well dressed mom. with an organized home. so. rock your limp curls. they're badass.

  3. Okay, I'm laughing out loud at the last one.
    And why don't I ever see people like you at Target? I would probably go more often if I did. Hilarious.

  4. I'm surprised the wand was such a failure! I have one and it works fabulously and the curls stay for a long time as well. I also have a few friends who love theirs as well. Perhaps it was the wrong brand? I have a cortex. Don't give up yet! I promise they are fabulous!

  5. Fits in the line at any store is a time of desperate measures. One particular day, we were thiiiiiiis close to putting our groceries on the conveyor belt, when both of the twins started screaming bloody bloody murder saying something along the lines of "coooookiiiiiie!!!!" ...at least, that's what I heard as I tried hiding under the cart.
    Anywho, I grabbed the package of whatever they were, ripped them open and started handing them out while people just stared and became more horrified at me adding fuel to thei spoiled little fire.


    Oh, and I've never bought a "wand" before, but I'm not quite sold...lol

  6. Oh girl, you are a mom, and a rockstar mom at that!
    PS, please keep telling the Target stories so that I don't feel like I am the only circus that goes there. Thanks! ;)

  7. Ok..so one time, when I was pregnant with our first...I found myself juggling two big bags of groceries in paper sacks as I walked out to my car. The wind was blowing, it was freezing...the ground was slick...and my pants were about two sizes too small and yet about two shakes from slipping down off my giant belly. Sure enough, the wind blew, I lost my grip, the bags ripped, food spilled, I bent over to retrieve and my pants slipped. Seriously. Bare to the air. I will never forget it...

    I hate those crappy (public!) days...but I suppose soon (as in yeeeaaaars later) it's gonna be funny. And it will. Like when my toddler jumps out of the cart and ransacks the grocery aisles while passerby's...stare in awe? Funny...someday... I just know it :) Many thanks for keeping the truth out on the web, Grace. We all can relate, let me tell you!

    (Ok, I apologize ahead of time for this ridiculously long comment. There should be a rule against these...)

  8. Hahaha, oh Grace, I love your honesty. I say when babies are sick you should do whatever you need to do to maintain any small shreds of sanity. I hope they feel better soon!!! (and at least you are dressing yourself and fixing your hair, I have reverted into a perma-state of unshowered, undressed, frumpy motherhood not to be matched by others)

  9. I'm such a Lenten cheater too! The worst part is that I set a horrible example to my Protestant husband when I stretch the rules... He's just laughs and says "Oh, you Catholics!"

    My hair doesn't curl either. Straight, just straight. People tell me all the time that I'm so lucky to have straight hair but really, it's so boring!

  10. I think Target is to blame for any madness that ensues at check out because they have 5 million lanes and only open 1 for every 100 customers in line!! Why won't they just open one.more.lane.?!?!

    Just a friendly warning: I’m addicted to the curling wand...but I do I have a huge scar from it burning off the top layer, and every future layer, of skin on my thumb...those things are dangerous!

  11. Every time I go to the library I look for the Hunger Games books and haven't found them yet! I hear they are incredible; as a fantasy-lover I can't wait.

    Mousewife. That's funny.

  12. No, seriously. This is important: what is the difference between a "curling wand" and a "curling iron"? And which do I have?

  13. My hair looks like that about an hour or two after I curl it too.

    Just keep on trying with your Lenten ban on sweets. Sometimes we have to fail a few times before we get it. ;)

  14. Do you really have pajama jeans? Should I buy some? My jeggings are too tight. I love Target stories. I was just there this morning with my kidlet spending $100 on stuff we don't need. $2 of those dollars were gigantic Made in China and Certainly Lead-laden insect toys. A ladybug and a spider, for good behavior.
    He's already spoiled rotten, I know. There's no fixing it.

  15. The Answer to Your Hair Curling Woes: http://www.google.com/products/catalog?hl=en&sugexp=llsin&gs_nf=1&qe=cmVka2VuIHRoZXJtYWwgc2V0dGluZyBtaXN0&qesig=yyElyWQdpvyLTOhFmdZxew&pkc=AFgZ2tk7nb5kcue9ZDf-4RhBHDJoPgH8Iea6p_AdMr7SRP-z70GZqBiaJ7p1h54ocLEo8e7LOngDaQnuDydDCq3XhPqK6zc0CQ&ds=pr&pq=redken+curling+spray&cp=27&gs_id=2i&xhr=t&q=redken+thermal+setting+mist&client=safari&rls=en&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&biw=1024&bih=616&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=10940008288539950257&sa=X&ei=pbJfT83WC4z-2QXt6LWwCA&sqi=2&ved=0CG4Q8wIwAA#ps-sellers

  16. Btw, same here on #1. And I just clicked this...



Camp Patton © All rights reserved · Theme by Blog Milk · Blogger