You know you're a stay at home mom when ...

25 June 2013

... or a work at homer or a work at worker. Or if you've ever spent an entire day with small children. This is for you. And future Grace who might need a swift shot of nostalgia.


Sebastian and his theatrics: never ending.

It's summer and the livin's easy, right? Mmmmm ... sure but no. The kids wake up with the sun (4:58 am) despite your best efforts to seal their windows with 89 layers of 30 gallon black garbage bags and duct tape. You feel guilty if you're not outside enjoying the sun and shine but the second you get outside someone's wet and dirty swim diaper needs to be changed and you're positive the garden-happy neighbor is going to call the cops if he hears one more of the kids' scream fights over who gets control of the hose aka control of the fun. The kids don't understand why "bedtime" happens during daylight because according to the sun 8pm = 4:30pm and they fight you. They fight you hard.


So. You know you're a stay at home mom (etc!) WHEN ...

1. You get your 2-year-old dressed before noon and she asks "um, where we going?!"

2. You're positive your husband didn't hear you when you said, "the baby finally cut that tooth" ...


... because his response was a distracted, "oh, really?" and you were expecting a celebratory tap dance, champagne, and some sort of peanut butter + chocolate confection. At the very least.

3. You accidentally throw your daily dose of Excedrin into your smoothie. Shrug. Two birds, one gulp.

4. You've got three sets of sweats that you rotate through: 1. appropriate for publicish outings, 2. appropriate to run a diaper out to the big trash can, and 3. appropriate to wear around non-verbal children because they can't tell a soul.

5. It's 1pm on one day and all you've accomplished for the day is: one bath for one child and productivity is YOURS.
 
6. It's 1pm on another day and all you've accomplished for the day is: emptied the bathroom trashcan and lined it with a fresh plastic grocery sack and suddenly the bathroom looks so sparkly and the day feels so right.

7. It's 1pm on yet another day and all you've accomplished for the day is: clipped the fingernails of one toddler and you should probably retire because this is easy.

8. It's 9am on YET another day and you've been awake for an eternity, placated multiple tantrums, fed the children breakfast, checked your email 12 times, texted your husband about every single tantrum, thrown a load of laundry in, emptied 1/100th of the dishwasher and yet when your husband calls and asks what you're up to you say, "mmmmm nothing."

10. It's 10am and you've checked your email nine more times. Bringing the grand total to 35 times for the day.

11. This happens for 19 consecutive seconds ...


... and you steady yourself because you're feeling faint and check their foreheads for fevers. You suspect Scarlet Fever. Or maybe the Bubonic Plague.

11. You've Googled, "do vacation bible schools accept 6-month-olds?"

12. It's 11am and you've eaten nothing all day.

13. It's 11:03am on the same day and you've eaten a handful of semi-sweets, the kids breakfast leftovers, 11 pita chips dipped in hummus, a cup of yogurt, another handful of semi-sweets, a spoonful of peanut butter, and three of the kids gummy vitamins.

14. This? This little bit of meticulously folded laundry ...


took two days of motivational speaking to complete.

15. You solemnly swear to ship edible poison to the first person that tells your kids that this isn't the biggest kiddie pool in the world ...


because it is. And they are lucky little guppies to have such a monstrosity in their repertoire-o-fun.

16. You throw on some Netflix, shower, shave both legs, apply mascara, dress in clothes that would be uncomfortable to sleep in, and LOOK OUT Seacrest, Rivers, and the Academy because this housewife's feeling ritzy and ready to dazzle on the red carpet - wardrobe questions and all (Target or Old Navy, always).


Tell me you can relate. Or call me crazy.


Or both.

83 comments:

  1. Their blow-up puddle is the best!!! <3

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  2. Awesome awesome pool pic! I keep seeing pics of huge plastic pools and thinking -- how do you even transport those home?

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  3. You've Googled, "do vacation bible schools accept 6-month-olds?" - that's my fave! Raising my glass and toasting to all stay-at-homer-whatevers! this was great, Patton!!! XO

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    1. So true....I look at the signs in my community of sports teams as well. I looked at a soccer league and then googled them to see if I can take my 19month old in and drop her off. They said they have a class for 2 year olds....I am counting down the months.

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  4. Yes yes yes! All of this! Except VBS for the baby- but I did check for the toddler. If only she would finish potty-training.... And your kids should consider themselves lucky- mine haven't seen their locked up kiddie pool yet this year.

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  5. #11 made me laugh out loud.

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  6. I don't have children (yet), but I LOVE the phrase "clothes that would be uncomfortable to sleep in". Unfortunately my job requires that I wear clothes that would be uncomfortable to sleep in DAILY. Ridiculous. Love how real your blog is! Please keep writing (and sharing Conversations with Julia...I laugh out loud, at work, every time).

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  7. Yes. YES. YEH-HEH-HESSSS! As I laugh through sobs.

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  8. I love how all the babies have the same mouth expression in the first picture!

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  9. You managed to shave BOTH legs at the same time???

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    1. have you seen me on the red carpet?

      not yet!

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  10. I was just considering putting "keep girls alive" on my to do list so that I can cross something off1

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    1. HA. My kind of mom. I'm sure we have similar parenting philosophies :)

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  11. Yep same here and my kids are 6 and 4.5, and one in the oven 25 weeks cooked. It does get better though. I can eat during normal meal times and I will not wake up with them before 7am, and they understand that now. But I'm about to start all over again in 15 weeks.

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    1. I'm 33 weeks and have a 3 and almost 5 year old and had a panic attack the other day because I realised that I have to go through it all over again. I was getting used to shopping/eating/breathing/walking on my own. Not anxious for this baby to come, she can stay in there.

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  12. Once I clipped ALL four children's finger & toe nails in one day and I felt like nobody else has ever accomplished such a feat so I might as well make myself a plaque because ain't nothin' else getting done that day...

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  13. i totally relate. completely.

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  14. oh my gosh this is too funny- i did a post today about "mommy reminders" aka how i know i'm a mom. (shameless plug warning)

    http://theurbanhippymomma.blogspot.com/2013/06/mommy-reminders.html

    great minds think alike, right? ;) and i wholeheartedly agree with #'s 4 and 11. i'm so right there with you!

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  15. Yes, Yes, Yes! I thought I was the only one who cursed the sunshine, Easton tries to weasel out of bedtime every night by pointing out that its "morning! Not bed!"
    Congrats on the tooth, the two shaves legs and let me know if that Vacation bible school takes 4 month olds who eat nonstop and won't sit still...

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  16. I can relate to all that, except my #13 would have been a handful of chocolate chips, the breakfast leftovers, nearly the whole bag of pita chips and a pound of hummus, forget the yogurt, five spoons of peanut butter, half the bag of chocolate chips, and three gummy vitamins. I think our definitions of poor eating habits might be slightly different.

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  17. You chug water out of a sippy cup while out on a walk in the heat. Please tell me that's not just me.

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  18. WAY to go! I agree with all of the above! Keep up the good work from a mommy of 13 it gets easier when the big kids can help!

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  19. Every single one. Except I would add check Camp Patton for a new blog post 5 times because after today I was desperately searching for someone who could relate to my day:)

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    1. while nursing for what feels like the 20th time today.

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  20. love #6 and, as a DRE, #11 (ROFL, heck no!), and when I was home full time #13 was very, very common. You are so funny - gotta laugh!

    ps - your house looks amazingly clean!!!

    pps - the laundry in my home is an instant child-magnet - you are a dangerous woman leaving neatly folded clothing out and about! In my house it has to be hidden, stat, or there is a raging momma on the prowl.

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  21. No longer a stay at home mom (but I aspire to be again someday), but yes, yes, and YES! And let me tell you, that laundry beat mine by...a lot. I can't wait to get back into my 3 pairs of sweats and your children ARE lucky ducks. My kids have no yard and a little water table that, no lie, my 2 year old tried to swim in. I instagrammed it because it was such a great moment. So, Julia and Bash, you have the greatest mother in the world! :) Happy Tuesday!

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  22. #4 is so true. I change out of "day" sweats into "night" sweats and realize how ridiculous that is. Somehow going from day to evening was really different when Barbie did it.

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  23. Number eight is my favorite. My husband always asks what am I up to and I always say nothing. Doing chores, trying to find something to eat, and barely surviving until nap time is just an every day thing and nothing to report on. The laundry one is hitting so close to home right now too.

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  24. Not crazy!
    Congrats on the tooth! Thanks for keeping it real!

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  25. I just laughed so hard!!!!! Sooo true!!!!!!

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  26. Word. And that reminds me, the laundry is still in the dryer from yesterday... Your kids are lucky - we haven't taken our kiddie pool out yet!

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  27. So true... I'm starting to need a motivational speaker for more than just laundry folding. Am I the only mom who wakes up and thinks "If only no one had to eat today... it'd be a glorious day." So sick of the eating process with kids all of it. From cooking to consuming to cleaning to dealing with it coming out of their little bodies later on...

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  28. Clearly I need to try this new method of sorting out my closet. Genius! Also, if you find any VBS that will take allll the kids let me know asap.

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  29. Thank you thank you for this blog. Just when we reach the point of insanity over here I can check your blog and realize I am NOT alone! And #6--I did just that this morning. Great post, I haven't laughed this hard in a while!

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  30. I can, to all but #16. I haven't done all those things in the same day in 2 years...even though I have an office to show up at.

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  31. YES! Relating like crazy over here. Especially to the breakfast/lunch/snack happening at 11 when my body finally realizes it needs food. I don't even enjoy food when I'm at home with the kids- it's more like filling up the gas tank of my car.

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  32. A+ Grace. Especially #8 but you forgot to add if you have to threaten to put the fisher price dollhouse away for the 80 billionth time in one day then you have small children. It has been one of those hellish days around here today and probably as long as my third trimester drags on.

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  33. You are crazy...AWESOME!! I think the kiddie pool is palatial to say the least. It's just like a trip to Vegas baby!! They even have the right swimwear.
    The funny part of all this is you are describing my life...for the last 20 years. LOL! Today my big accomplishment was that I actually PUT AWAY the laundry. That's right...in drawers even!
    HUZZAHHH for Mary!!
    So now I am on day two of hubby traveling and miss Courtney is sneezing green snot balls and running a fever. Jerry is not home for another 36 hours and I may actually lose what little is left of my mind.
    So yes you are crazy...and so am I...it's a whole party of crazy babe!! Now I need a wading pool and a margarita to make everything all bettah...sigh...

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  34. Netflix is a powerful tool and God's gift to mothers.

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  35. Haha! That pool is awesome and WAY bigger than the pool we didn't have growing up. Do they both fit in it at the same time?

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  36. Thanks for keeping it real. I laughed about the sweats you only wear around non-verbal children. Totally have those clothes too! And I have a perpetual mound of clean laundry on my living room chair waiting to be folded and put away. On the rare occasions when I manage to completely clear the chair, I feel so proud. It's like I expect someone to knock on my door and hand me a bouquet of balloons and a check for 1000 dollars just for being such a productive member of society.

    Oh, and you should add something to your list about hearing damage from screaming children. Both of mine were having meltdowns at the same time today and I'm pretty sure my ears will never fully recover from the experience.

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  37. can. relate. except for me, #1 would be, "you TAKE A SHOWER and your 3 year old asks, "where are we going?" so.....

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  38. Awww... I'm not the only one! This post could not have been any better. Do love the comment, though, about "keeping the kids alive" :) Some days that is the biggest accomplishment!

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  39. Yes! Especially not eating at 11:00 and then eating whatever crap you can throw into your mouth. Ugh! If I had one super power it would be to never need to eat. It just takes up too much dang time.

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  40. Your family looks adorable congrats :)


    www.vindiebaby.com
    Vintage Inspired Girls

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  41. Love the food one...I tend to graze when I'm bored & the kids are driving me nuts. It's something I have control over...unlike the little people.

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  42. I only have one and can relate to most of this, especially number 12! And then I remember I'm breastfeeding and MUST eat and drink water. But when? She never let's me put her down. You had me especially cracking up that you text Simon and tell him. I can only imagine when Joel starts clinic next week that ill be giving him the same updates via text!
    Glad you wrote this, it was perfect for my bathtime read!

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  43. Yes, and yes. And when they get a little older? Same days, different non-accomplishments.

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  44. So, so true! And they are beautiful! And that moment on the couch with the books? One day it will last far more than a few seconds. And one day you really, truly will exit a Mass realizing that your blood pressure is normal and you actually heard the Gospel and/or the homily.

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  45. Omgosh are we the same person?! This made me feel SO much better about my day!!

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  46. Yes to all but the sweatpants. I just can't do it. I did finally buy a pair of yoga pants though, and it is so dang tempting! However, a HOWLING yes to it all!

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  47. That kiddie pool got me good. Hilarious.

    And this might be weird/random/creepy (or all three) but you and your children were in my dream last night. You were in line at Safeway that started out as a clothing store that I used to work at, and I learned that you used to work there too! (That was my "in" so I didn't feel weird going up to you and offering to help you with your groceries to your car.) So, I accompanied you and your children and your groceries to your vehicle without the cart, because we all thought that would be easier, dreams are stupid, and even in my dream I felt kind of like a creeper. So yeah. Weird. Too much blog perusal before bed for me.

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  48. save yourself a step and simply dip the knife with peanut butter on it straight into the chocolate chips thats a Hey What's for Dinner Mom? O-riginal right there

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  49. Oh that 8pm = 4:30pm reminded me of the summers I spent as a nanny (in STL actually). There was a day when the kids were so crabby that we put them to bed early, and we were sitting in the driveway enjoying beverages with the neighbors when we heard this "knock knock knock knock" and realized they had ducked under the curtains and were standing in the windows watching us, banging on the glass.

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  50. The sweatpants!! I have "sexy" sweats, cute sweats, errand sweats...you gotta have them! Love it.
    And peanut butter from the jar is the best snack/dessert/meal EVER!!!

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  51. We are living the same life. Want proof? My kid took a bite of my deodorant today...

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  52. Oh my - I'm with you. I've totally eaten the gummy vitamins alongside my kiddos, mentally counting that as a morning power snack. =p

    Sarah @ Two Os Plus More

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  53. Absolutely! My daughter asks the same thing if I tell her to put some clothes on before noon. And my 3-year-old son has started throwing tantrums about getting dressed. He says, "I want to keep my piyamas!" Sigh.

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  54. Um... I totally get it. I'm feeling super fancy these days and throw in my maternity jeans (because I still don't fit into my regular jeans) in between days of wearing work-out pants. Plus it all greatly depends on which of my 4 nursing tops is clean because that's pretty much all I wear, just with different sweaters over the top.

    And I now know why stay at home mothers are so skinny... there's no dang time to eat!!

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  55. I seriously relate so hard with this. This is my every day.

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  56. This killed me (with laughter). And unfortunately my husband was home to see it. And didn't really get it.

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  57. Ahh the laundry piled on the couch.. That happens a lot at our house...

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  58. hahaha, awesome! I giggled audible at #1---you dress your 2 yr old before noon and she asks where you are going.

    I have 2 kids at home. Solidarity! :o)

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  59. Sorry for the back to back comments...catching up on some blog-reads. But I loved this post! :)

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  60. Hehehe.....been changing diapers for 25 years, now. This mom of 12 can totally relate. Cracking. Up. With you. Mentally and laughingly...
    Michelle

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  61. Yes, I can so relate! Just shared on facebook :D

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  62. so so exactly my life. love the food part - forgetting to eat or eating only the most random items is all that happens around here.

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  63. I gussied up for TWO weddings last weekend. I did not shave my legs...

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  64. Have you been spying on me and my family, because our "laundry" couch stays that way and that is my exact menu when at home with my kids. AND if I shower, no matter the time of day, my 4 year old asks where we are going. Too funny...

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  65. Number 4 is so true! Funny stuff!

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  66. lol...that's super cute..i think #1 is my fav. lol!!!

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  67. Laundry + motivational speaking = LLOL (literally laughing out loud) and now my husband says I'm not allowed to read blogs anymore because my laugh is disturbing and he never understands me when I explain WHY I was laughing. *sadface*

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  68. What a gem~! Thanks for laughs, little G., and hang in there!

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  69. I only have a 7-month old and I can relate to several of those - I was literally laughing out loud.

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  70. I am a stay at home mom to a one and a half year old and this article had me laughing I agreed with most of this I even sent it to my husband....lol

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