the almost proficient parent.

30 July 2013

Here's the thing about parenting - the second you get a little bit cocky you better be hungry for some humble pie, size extra huge because your kids are going to smell that chin of yours that you're holding so high and they are going to grab it and squeeze it and bring it crashing duh-hown to the ground. If you don't know what I'm talking about ... congratulations! Your kids are better than my kids and would you like to trade broods next Tuesday? because I'm tired.

Welllll I wouldn't say that I was getting cocky .. because hello this entire blog filled to the brim with toddler shenans and big fat parenting flops and I should probably go an entire half day without texting Simon, "these kids want me dead" before I start getting my confidence britches cleaned at the fancy dry cleaners. But this morning I realized we were in a bad way as far as the wipe supply goes and so of course that means ... Costco run.

If you're wondering why in the hellllll I go to Costco so much - wonder no more!! It's because of the big carts that can comfortably fit all three chickens. It's because of the generous samples that entertain 2/3 of the cluckers. And of course ... we drink a lot of almond milk, Theo needs his powder to survive, the kids go through a lot of diapers, and we eat a lot of bananas and avocados and yogurt and frozen fruit. I don't buy everything every week but it's a nice outing and had my former self known I would've ever called a Costco safari a "nice outing" she would've flared her nostrils and said .... "you lie."

So, Costco run. We've been doing it forever and last week we even dined in so really ... ain't no thang. Until we walked in the sliding doors and just as Julia was waving us in with my Costco card that is covered in bite marks that she babysits until we check out and Sebastian followed suit with his empty gift card (he stopped falling for the "and this crumpled up receipt is YOUR Costco card, Bash" trick today ... I expect facial hair tomorrow because these kids and their growing up!) when a kind man came running up behind me all out of breath, "Miss!! you left all of your van doors open .."

Cue silent curses and an awkward laugh and red cheeks as everyone turned to look at the idiot that left NO door unopened and a speed walk back out to the far corner of the lot where I parked but hey! hood and trunk were shut so .... points for a rainy day.

It was a mostly uneventful trip except for the mom that came over to tell me in a LOUD (close - toooooo close, sistermom) whisper lest the elderly couple 9 yards down would hear that, "they're giving out diaper samples - they might even give you two if you ask nicely" and when Sebastian went into a weird pizza comatose state ...


and Julia begged and begged overandoverandoverandover again to go in the "coldy-cakes" room even after we'd made two laps because apparently I keep the kids lives just exciting enough that a freezing room full of produce can be likened to the thrill of a coaster ... roller style. Fine, I'm a thrill seeker too, Little J.

And Theo - the baby that smiles so big and so hard that you can practically hear it from the next room - was crying the saddest + biggest + loudest tears as we walked out because the cashier jostled the cart on accident and Theo's first words just might be, "PTSD - Costco cart jostle - July 30" because I've never seen him so MAD/SAD/SAD.

Ah! and Julia learned a new trick ... the fake sleep.


Not even Bully Bash could get her to break character which is basically a miracle if you've seen them wrastle. It's bad. I know my standards for humor are pretty low these days but I couldn't help but bust out a little smile crack.

Today is the second day of Simon's nice rotation (the crowd roars) so we stopped and ate with him where Bash ate cement by way of a serious trip and Julia picked an illegal amount of planted flowers before we noticed. And Theo stared off into the abyss because he always knows when the older two are putting on enough of a show. He likes his stage to be quiet and lonely so that he might glean every and all attention from his guardians.

So what's the problem? What's the big complaint?

Oh, nothing earth shattering. No. I pulled into the driveway and you know that deeeeeeep breath you take before you have to get kids out of car seats and herd them inside while somehow propping the front door open and sprinting the groceries inside before one of the toddlers escapes down the driveway to the Never Never Land that is the neighbor's ginorm yard? It should be cleansing and charging ... you know? Well today it was pungent. And not just, "oh, there's a diaper that should be put on the priority list" pungent no .... it was more than that, it was more like two priority diapers pungent with a kick. And once I got my crew inside I discovered that the "kick" was actually the missing piece of a trifecta of pungent golden tickets just begging to be unwrapped. Three bombs all secretly set to blow at the same time. Those little shits - fig and lit.

And maybe some people are subconsciously sending their eyes sailing north because doesn't that Grace ever have a good day? Well, yes. She does! Sunday was a good day because Simon and I both got almost three hours of sleep despite the fact that she was manning the homestead and Simon was at work. And even though she woke up thinking, "it's a beautiful day outside and I bet it's going to be crazy at the zoo ... definitely a place to avoid" the Pattons totally ended up at the zoo even after we had to collapse our chariot to get in. It was a good day and today wasn't a bad day. It was a challenging day. Every day is really challenging around here and I know it will be a long time before an entire day passes that one of the kids doesn't do something to shock and exasperate me but that doesn't mean it has to be a bad day. I mean, it's only 4:27 and the smoke alarm battery is dying and beeping and might wake up one of the kids before they are ready to wake up and I'll have dragon breaths and dragon moods to deal with so "bad" is still definitely up for grabs. But! it will probably be okay. Bombs and all.


I told you ... loner + his stage.


42 comments:

  1. Mine are obsessed with the cold room too! I just don't get it... But I'm totally up for switching broods on Tuesday!

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  2. At least you got the free samples :D

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  3. Ummm...I am kind of obsessed with the cold room too. But then I am a menopausal woman in her mid forties who dreams of having her won cold room in her house where she can go and hide when her personal summer shows up like thirteen billion times a day...but I digress.

    I love Theo! He is such a showman. As for Miss Julia's "fake sleep" I laughed as well. I kept putting all kinds of thought bubbles over her head. Awe.Some.

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  4. I know the deep inhale in the car and I only have 1 baby. There are moments when I start to feel overwhelmed and I think "If Grace can do it with three, I can do it with one."

    Although it looks like I am going to have to fly solo with Henry sometime in the next couple of months and thinking about that kind of sends me into a panic attack. Deep breaths.

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  5. (I had grammar errors all up in those previous comments.) My Katherine, who is about Julia's age, also likes the "big cold hole." Maybe we could do a joint bday party there?

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  6. I think Theo is busy making notes during his silence during the toddler-rompfest.

    Also, I totally can relate to leaving van doors open. We had a shoe crisis when I was a hot-week preggo and we were going to church one Wednesday during Lent and 2.5 secs after we pulled out of the driveway I realized we left E's shoes at home. Lee said maybe she won't notice. Ha! She must have heard us because she worried about shoes hour ride to church. After arriving to church five minutes before everything kicked off and dropped Lee off, E and R and I navigated the parking lot of the closest mall (Why is there not a Target close by????) and finally settled on some Crocs after R unloaded my wallet on the floor. I was horrified to see/learn/find that both van door were open and both our i'm-smarter-than-you phones in plain view.

    At least someone was kind enough to tell you about your doors : )

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  7. My boys like the walk in beer cold room at our supermarket too. You just keep it real Grace, can't help but like that. And Theo is awesome.

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  8. Good grief, I love your blog. My heart goes out to you every day, but my head thanks you a zillion times for the shenanegans that make me feel like I'm not alone.

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  9. That's what I try to explain to my husband, just because I complain about them all the time doesn't mean I had a terrible day, just challenging. Just don't add a dog- I'm seven months in with him added to the brood of three...shutter.

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  10. I am totally digging J's fake sleeping. If only I had figured that out when I was her age... {says the now nearly-21 year old 4th child as she cringes remembering being teased by big brother who were then younger than she is now.}

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  11. Bash's shoes made this post for me. So hilarious!!!

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  12. The Costco trip never gets old. My 8 and 10 year old beg to go - they are the masters of the sample aisles. And I would totally take your kids on Tuesday AND I wouldn't make you swap.....!! Every Mom of littles needs a friend who will give her a break every now and then! Bash would fit right into my own personal house of boy chaos.....!

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  13. Getting kids + groceries into my house is also so stressful!! I hear you!

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  14. I love you and your blog. We are living the same life in alternate universes. Truth.

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  15. I love you and your blog. We are living the same life in alternate universes. Truth.

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  16. You make me feel like such a normal mother. My days are oh so similar, minus a Sebastian in the middle.

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  17. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but my kids are older than yours, (except Cave) and we are still leaving van doors open (random neighbors are always knocking on my door to inform me) and shopping with all three is still a pain. I had one small goal to try and keep my face either happy or at the very least placid while shopping no matter what happened. We lasted about negative 2 seconds.

    Some day we'll be the grannies going every day to get that loaf of bread and the campbell soup can. We may even be a shopping basket person. I don't know.

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  18. My then-24-year-old brother abruptly entered a fake-sleeping phase as we were taking pictures one Thanksgiving. For what it's worth--and I'm sure you highly value validation from internet strangers (j/k)--Julia's fake-sleeping blows my brother's away. You have a prodigy on your hands! Congratulations!

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  19. Grace-
    I'm just sure you've heard this a million times, but it WILL get better. I have 4 little squirts who were all 3 1/2 down to newborn at one time, but it is honestly a breeze (comparatively) now with the oldest at 6! You will look back and think to yourself "I have no idea how I survived!" :) Thanks for the hilarious (as always) post!

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  20. How do you do it!?!? I can BARELY take the 2 and 5 month old to the store without someone going missing (so what if I was hiding in the coldly-cakes room...)

    Love Julia's fake sleep, Easton adds a fake snore for flair..
    And thanks for always keeping it real, your words always bring a sense of solidarity when I am stuck inside with two whine-bots, leaning slightly toward less than sane, wondering if anyone else had crazy kids. Cheers!

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  21. I was reading my husband your story and he asked how old the kids were so we moosied over to your birth stories tab and read the children's birth dates. I then realized that you should probably be about 2 or 3 months along on the next one if you're going to keep the streak alive. :D
    lol... I can't help but think this comment is going to make you run quickly to your nearest bottle of moscato ;)

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  22. hahha bully bash! i'm dying. :)

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  23. I needed to read this 25 years ago when my kids were little and full of mischief and all you read about in the magazines were about perfect families with their perfect children in their perfect homes while I suffered from feeling like the worlds biggest loser parent!!! Now I see I was normal, thanks ;-)

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  24. Ahhh! This is so not making me want to have more kids! Haha I hope you have more good days than bad. :) I just found your blog and love it! I'm a new follower!

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  25. Oh, LOVE your blog. I am now the grandma of 2(12year and 1 month) and I DO know what you are talking about. Yess, I watch them 5 days a week, but it works out to 7 days a week. Hurry up start of school!!

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  26. I have shopped with the kids and in the chaos of trying to get them in the house, fed, whatever, I just totally forgot I had a trunk full of groceries. And left them there all day until my husband said, "Are we out of milk? I thought you went to the store today?" Whoops.

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  27. Oh, and when I had only one child, I was in the supermarket parking lot in a not-so-nice neighborhood of the city. So I put him and my purse into the car and locked the doors while I loaded the groceries in the trunk. I thought my keys were in my jacket pocket. You see where this one is going, right? The store manager was a real jerk about it, but a nice lady in the parking lot offered to stay with me until the fire department arrived. Then when the firemen DID show up, the one in charge also proceeded to treat me like an idiot and said to his fellows "these cheap cars are usually easy to break in to." Day full of win all around, that one.

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  28. Oh gosh. I haven't been to Costco in forever. I have to drive over an hour to get to one. And let me tell you. Foreign Costco isn't as nice as American Costco. Where are all the samples?! Where are all the huge boxes of Cheez-its?! In America that's where!

    I'm new here, but I'm amazed at how a trip to Costco can be so entertaining! I'll be stickin' around ;)

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  29. Hahahaha I had a serious at my desk awkward laugh over your 3 bombs story:) I used to work in a school for street kids and the class I taught was 6 months- 3 years. I ended up teaching on my own one day and while the rest of the kids killed each other two of my kids had, well Delhi belly-aka pours out of nappies and all down your clothes belly AAAAND one had clubbed feet and the other (little sneak) pretended the whole time I worked there that she couldnt walk.. AAND the working bathroom was one floor down.. SO basically lots of two leaky nappies on my hips bouncing up and down the stairs, bath both poop covered babies, dress run upstairs to attend to other children- and repeat for a few hours:) hahaha So yea I felt you with this stoty:)

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  30. Oy. Thank goodness for that cold room or entire Costco trips would be lost to shrieking. My two are crazy for it. Heaven help the cashier whose job it is to shift produce from the belt back to the cart without making eye contact with the world's most capricious princess of the narrowed eye.

    We need to create some kind of cheesy-cracker-based nose barrier because, I swear, one whiff of their neighbor's poo diaper gives the others ideas. Every time. It's a different kind of sigh when that happens. Not as clarifying.

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  31. "and this crumpled up receipt is YOUR Costco card, Bash"
    Soooo my style. I get those annoying baby center emails (despite the fact that I've unsubscribed/blocked them about ten times). One of them had a survey question that asked "Have you ever lied in front of your kids?" Which officially blew my mind because I felt a more fitting question would be, "How many times per hour do you find occasion to lie to your kids?"

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  32. Dragon breaths and mood. Check and check; usually by 11am. :D

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  34. OMG the fake sleep! My two kidlets (3.5 and 2.5) both looooooove that trick. They think it's so freaking hysterical. It was cute at first, but after a cool month or so (probably more, I'm in the zone where time is an abstract concept), I'm so over it. I may be the big bitch mom, but when I'm trying to herd them out of their carseats to rush them into daycare so I can get to work by 8 a.m., I have no patience for sleep of the fake variety. If there is sleep in my life, I want it to be real and I want it to be MINE. So children, your fake sleep is actually making a mockery of my life. Stop it right.now.immediately.

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  35. My coworkers must think I get nothing done all day because I was LOL about Julia's fake sleep pictures in my cubicle. Thanks for keeping the 9-5 entertaining!

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  36. I'm glad to see I'm in such good company with Sebastian and that dang Costco pizza coma. I'm immediately ready for a nap as soon as I gobble it, but I refuse to stop eating it. I'll even confess here (and only here!) that I might have eaten Costco pizza three times in one week. Like, last week. Golly that shiz is good. I love your adventures and the hilarious outlook you have on life. Good stuff Miss Grace. Always!

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  37. The picture of Sebastian in a pizza coma is killing me. I'm having a terrrrible day (leaky basement pipe + wet vac) and this cheered me up to no end. My daughter, who is about Julia's age, has also started doing the 'fake sleep' trick. She pulls it out during dinner when we ask her to eat something that she dislikes, i.e. anything on her plate. It must be a developmental phase for children of highly gifted mothers, or something to that effect. Thank you for posting!

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  38. I have one kid who looooves the cold room and one kid who haaaaates it. So that's fun. Never all happy at the same time!

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  39. Julia's fake sleep is perfect. Girl, you have a cutie (three cuties, really) despite all the bombs.

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  40. Oh, I LOLed at the triple-bomb-drama. Daaaaaang.

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