The Funnest Mom

10 July 2013

So yesterday I tried to seize the mom thing. Yes, I set myself up for a real peach of a day. I made chocolate chip pancakes which was 1/2 selfish + 1/2 selfless because if there's anything I love it's a marriage of chocolate + carbohydrate goodness. I decided to finally follow through on a promise made tens of times to Julia that "we'd go to the fountains tomorrow". Why? I don't know. I'm a pretty committed hermit and even though I hate the park near our house with the splash pad (because the surrounding 90 trillion acres of open land beckon for Sebastian to, "come! come and run away from your mother and lead a life of very scary LOST") but it didn't seem that daunting for some reason. Surely Sebastian would be so taken with the fountains that he wouldn't be lulled by the temptress that is the enchanted forest. Right.

Please know that when people with small children say something along the simple lines of, "and then I got the kids dressed" ..... what they really mean is, "and then I spent 57 minutes issuing threats, hunting down items of clothing that haven't fallen victim to urine dribbles/sprays/soaks, and taking gambles on whether I think the diapers can handle another few hours of wear" that is what they really mean. Or that's the way it is around here. It's a lot of not simple is what it is.

So that fiesta took a long time. I couldn't find Sebastian's swimsuit that fits and mostly stays put around his waist so he had to wear a pair two sizes too big ... held up with a safety pin. I think I told him that if he moved when I was securing the pin that he would risk a swift and sure death. If his wide eyes were any indication - he totally got it and didn't move a muscle. And so ... the wide leg swim pants ... they stayed.

I got everyone sprayed down with "sunscream" and loaded up the chariot only to wonder if people made their kids wear shoes at the fountains? Probably. Ugh. I put Sebastian's shoes on and then could only find one of Julia's sandals that had JUST been in my hand.

Grace: where did the sandal go?
Bash: stare
Julia: hmmm where DID dat sando go? hmm
Bash: stare
Grace: I just had the sandal ... seriously ... did one of you take it?
Julia: no! I not take dat sando!!! baby Feo did!!
Bash: stare
Theo: grunting and mad that we stopped moving 3 steps into the sojourn
Grace: fine, I'll go find another pair
Julia: okay, dat sounds good
Bash: STARE

And then two blocks down the street I looked down to see this in Sebastian's lap ...


so, if anyone has any toddlers with comprehension issues you can go ahead and send them my way because we've got that locked up nice and tight around these parts.

We got to the park and it was so crowded my innermost introvert went on high alert: DANGER. Every mom or nanny had a friend with them and my wagonload got lots of up-downs. Laaaats of up-downs. Almost all the moms were wearing running skirts with some serious ruffles on the back. I don't mind a nice running skirt but the ruffles are something. I'm guilty of falling for a trend or ten but RuffleButts for adults will not be one of dem.

The older kids were happy playing for four whole minutes until Sebastian grew bored with that scene and started looking for an escape route.


Of course he did. He did the not cute smile and sprint away just as I was about to catch him and had to run further away from Theo who was boiling in his own sweat. I think we lasted 34 minutes of periodically drenching Theo's hat to keep his head cool and risking a meltdown by popping his feet in the fountains until an alphamom with popeye biceps reprimanded Julia for holding a toy her daughter gave her, "my daughter is only ONE so you need to give that back to her" ... scaring the living daylights out of my little unsocialized butterfly. What was her point? That Julia was two and therefore a felon? I don't know.

To prison with her ...
 

the thief was "cold" despite the 1000% humidity.

I set the kids up with their sippies of ice water (responsible parenting is my strong suit) and walked them home in the blistering heat to the tune of no water for the driver because I think the kids gulp then swish then let a little bit back into the sippy and repeat and I have very few standards but murky pancake backwash hydration I cannot do.

Oh my gosh, this story put me into a deep sleep too. It was either this or talking about mom uniforms and obviously I picked wrong even though I think the uniform prattle might send some eyes rolling toward the unamused heavens above. 

But today? Today we set our sights on mopping the floor by 10am. Ha.


Freshly mopped ... two months ago.

By 11 all I'd done was change a bomb, bathe the boys, shoddily buzz the sides of Sebastian's hair and I was still in my sleeping clothes hiding in the downstairs bathroom with Theo ...

... listening to the 99th toddler fight of the hour because we had had enough of fight + bite cessation class teaching for the day.

Until we went on an emergency trip for illegal contraband (slow flow bottle nipples for Theo - he's such a divo) from the hospital - perk (singular) of the job and all dat.

I'll leave with you with a real nail biting cliffhanger about a drive-thru with a line of 59,000 cars and a desperate mom hankering for a fountain drink .... did she wait it out while risking toddler tantrums c/o sloooooowwww driving car syndrome or did she put her own selfish needs aside and just drive back home to the nuthouse? You'll never know.








slurp.



53 comments:

  1. Okay first of all...that top is your pj top? Are you serious? If my pjs were that cute I'd never get dressed!!

    Secondly, the second paragraph is truth itself. The trials of dressing toddlers are manifold.

    And thirdly...I haven't attempted the splash pad at the park I'm pretty sure you're talking about. That playground is so fun, but the introvert in me always gets a wee bit nervous pulling into that parking lot, too. So many parents hovering so closely. My daughter is extrovert extreme so I have to go to the parks with the kids if I want her to give me the good long naps that I rely on...but I much prefer the parks where the parents sit back in there respective corners, watching their respective kids from a distance. So much more relaxing...

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  2. Not an enlightened comment, but you just cracked me up with the sandal saga and the RuffleButts. And my crank-tankerous husband unrolled his eyes from the back of his head (natural 'read this blogpost' reaction from him) and grinned when I made him read the sandal saga, so there's that.

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  3. If you wrote a book, I would buy it and read it. (It would not turn into one of those books I buy with every intent of reading but it winds up buried under a stack of essays that are most definitely, probably, not at all well written.) Yeah, so with all of that time you clearly have, write a book for all of us to buy.

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  4. Long drive thrus are evil. I got stuck in one last week. Isn't the point that they save you time?!

    Love the PJ top

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  5. 1. That parent is the type of patent I find so annoying...gross. It's just a toy!!!

    2. Rufflebutt here. Skirt convert. Now I know they're semi acceptable(?) at the splash park too.

    3. I've waited for a gazillion minutes at sonic with huffy & tantrumy toddler in the car just to get my milkshake. On many occasions. Perfecting the tuning out of howls & kicks to my seat is key.

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  6. Dressing toddlers, missing sandals, escape artist kids, sibling fights & too long drive thrus ~ Yup, yup and yup!

    Will happily read anything you write about Mom Uniforms ( a new fave concept for me) but today this was just right.
    Thanks!

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  7. I love everything about this post except the mean person at the fountains (dirty look).

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  8. Toddler backwash...scariest thing about learning how to share.

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  9. You ARE the funnest mom. And, um, yes on the RuffleButts. I've seen women running in them here and all I can think is "don't you still have a pair of basketball shorts and a wifebeater from college days? That skirt is probably 75% of my weekly grocery budget."
    ...because I'm not bitter. At all.

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  10. My butt already has enough ruffles, thanks though lululemon. :)

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    1. touché Sarah! good point and excellent laugh!

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  11. Ohmygosh, I hate alpha moms. I had fun laughing at a mom-of-one at the pool who was counting rings with her son the same age as my youngest. Apparently, smarty pants can count to three en espanol. Well, mine's cuter. So there.

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  12. "alphamom with popeye biceps" --- bahahaha!!

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  13. The rufflebutts need to stay on the toddlers! I would have waited at the drive-thru!

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  14. Diet Coke out the nose reading this. Running skirts are awful and Alpha moms scare the living daylights out of me.

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  15. Why do people wear skirts while jogging?
    I love the way you embrace your introverted/hermitness. Way too many people out there going, "yes I gave birth 3 days ago, but I HAD to get out and see people" (true story).
    And Sebastian totally knew what you were saying, just was practicing his death stare. He's going to be a good liar.
    You are amazing for even trying to go to the water park.

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  16. You got this pregnant lady laughing so hard there were tears and inability to speak...oh the picture of Bash with cup. :)

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  17. Next post suggestion: How-To have pleasant babies. Por favor. Because Theo ALWAYS looks content and easy and WHAT ARE YOUR SECRETS?
    -raising a high-needs baby in PA

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  18. "...and taking gambles on whether I think the diapers can handle another few hours of wear"

    Oh Grace! Thank you! This perfectly sums up every day! Really that whole paragraph will be copied, pasted, sent via text for the next person who says "meet me in town for lunch?? Bring the boys!!" Smiley face winky winky... Yeah noooooo.

    ruffle butts are for the under 4 crowd as far as I'm concerned and 2 year old thiefs are better than one year olds with crazy chopper moms...

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  19. If a mom brings toys to a public park, then she needs to accept the fact that those toys WILL be played with by other children. I can only chalk this up to the fact that she had a one year old and therefore doesn't know the "rules" yet.

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    1. So true! I always tell my boys, "If you bring that you have to realise that other kids will play with it."

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  20. I was so thirsty the other day, I almoooooost took a swig of Xander's sippy, but yeah pretty sure I'd rather get dehydrated than sick from all that backwash.

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  21. This is all just so true. I have yet to brave the splash pad, though it's on my list of things to do with my kids this summer. I'm scared of other moms like that...

    I'm glad you got your pop :)

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  22. And I see that after all the sandal drama, all the other children in the picture are barefoot!! And you mop every 2 months? That would be some kind of ultra-cleanliness crazy in my house. Isn't that why you get a dark floor..?!

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  23. I would say, if God were to make a belated addition of an eleventh commandment, it'd likely be: Thou shalt not judge the parenting choices of other mothers, ESPECIALLY if thou art wearing ruffles upon thy derriere. Verily, I say unto you, blessed are the ruffle-less for they shall inherit the earth.

    (Unfortunately, God has gotten verbose in this imaginary commandment.)

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  24. LOLOL this is my life!!! Also, love the tag. Hilar.

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  25. People are still into mopping? I was hoping that was a fad. Sounds like your morning was productive - not sarcasm.

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  26. I just love this post. How do you take what seems like it would be a boring story and turn it into something so adorable and fun to read? You've got skills! Also I had no idea rufflebutts for grown-ups were a thing. I guess I'm all behind on the trends and stuff. Or that one just hasn't made it's way to Texas yet. Perhaps I should purchase one and be a trend-starter? It's only been, oh 21 years or so since I've had ruffles on my butt.

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  27. Ruffle butt skirts for adults, really?! How is that cute?

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  28. Ahhhh you always make me laugh. Thanks for being so damn normal.

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  29. This post made me laugh out loud, especially the picture of Sebastian holding the sandal. HAHAHAHA! You really have a gift for making ordinary stories hilarious. I love reading them!

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  30. The comments are as fun as your writing, Gwace! Thanks for the cheer you bring. I Cannot believe ruffle buns are IN for adult alpha-moms with Popeye biceps. 10 years from now I know what they'll mumble to themselves when they see their lovely photos! I love how Julia sounds just like you sometimes! I so wonder what goes on in that mind of Bash's? Feo is such a stitch!!

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  31. OMG you are brave to go to the splash park alone with three kids. I can barely handle any outings with my two... I am always subconsciously weighing two factors against each other: possible tantrums vs. possible fun to be had, and the fear of possible tantrums in public always seems to win.

    Also, running skirts? Ruffle butts? Why are they wearing these things? Are they supposed to be like a bathing suit alternative for the water? No no no.

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  32. Its 4am, I've been up all night with 2 screaming feverish children (assuming ear infections, we'll see at Dr today) and my alarm goes off for work in 55min and this post still made me giggle :) Thanks girl! You rock!
    Also, confession from a fellow mom-crowd loather.... I took the kids to 4 diff parks last Sat bc I kept having to leave if the mom crowd got too big or annoying. I called it a "park tour" like I'm a really cool mom but really I was just being a recluse :)

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  33. Sebastian with the shoe in the cup-so freaking funny.. OH and I love how you attract the funniest comments too, laugh through the post then laugh at the comments, some major wit you attract. I think a Ruffle butt would suit you, you and Julia could match, I kid thats flipping awful!

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  34. hahahahah!! I cant believe I've scrolled down the bottom of the comments and I'm still smiling and sniffing laughs through my nostrils. Honestly Grace, you are really really good at writing. That photo with the finger pointing to sebastians cup made me laugh out loud.
    Also, I'm a huge introvert too and the thought of being made to fit in with lots of mums would fill me with dread. Argh. Kudos for bothering!

    Flora x

    p.s I LOVE YOUR BLOG LAYOUT! It looks so good! So so good!
    www.twowithseven.blogspot.co.uk

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  35. Ok, I've never posted here except to enter a giveaway, but this was hilarious so I decide to take the plunge. The ruffle butt skirts sound terrible/hilarious and I don't think I could take any adult seriously if they were wearing one. And the "just had it a second ago where the beep did it go am I going crazy" thing happens to me all.the.time. Then I usually find it in the refrigerator or stuffed into my shoe. Thanks for the laugh!

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  36. im a lurker. but just thought i should show my face to say. you are a favorite!! cracking up!

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  37. There was just too much goodness in this post to even comment on. Rufflebutts, two year old felon, slurp. Thanks for the read this morning!

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  38. Diaper/ outfit changes + shoe application in order to exit the house takes FOREVER! And the stolen shoe and Rufflebutts were hilarious. Def. not a boring post!

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  39. Okay, I have a semi-serious question. Do those sandals handle water okay? Are they saltwaters? Because I discovered them for the first time ever at Nordstroms when shopping for sandals for my almost 2 yo daughter (who picked out her own sandals and went for the not-so-cute athletic-looking timberlands, much to my dismay and Daddy's delight), but I'm wondering how they hold up in normal toddler wear and tear. And she likes puddles. And water of all kinds.

    And 2nd semi-serious comment - your posts rock my day. Seriously. I feel like there is actually someone out there in this world who understands why my bathroom shower may not be getting clean every single week (or month...gross, I know, but really, it's like the bane of my existence). Or why I love my roomba, because really, how often do I have time to vacuum? Alright, the end. Great post! Keep em coming!

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    1. I don't if my response showed up as a response ... hopefully it did!

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  40. thank you!!! I want a roomba SO badly!!

    oh and YES they handle water great. It's the weirdest thing but the more you wear them .... water and all ... they better they are! I find them cheap on eBay if you aren't grossed out for your kids feet ... I'm not at all!

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  41. I love this post! When I had four kids that were five yrs old and under, my MIL had the gall to tell me that I shouldn't be afraid to get out more. She was sure that it would do us all some good to get out and shake off our cabin fever, plus the kids would learn how to act decently in public if I actually took them out in public more often. ReAlLy?! Thank-you-but-no thank-you for the kind advice, you cute little mother of two (that were 3 1/2 years apart!) I really do love my MIL, but like you alluded to, getting kids ready to go anywhere when they are small and cannot do anything for themselves, is exhausting. Plus, I already promised Jesus in confession that I would "avoid all near occasions of sin," which I'm pretty sure is me getting ALL of my beautiful kids ready to go anywhere.

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  42. I loved this. I needed to read this post. Thanks for providing hilarity when I need it, which is...always.

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  43. Love this post! I relate to so much of what you said. And the story of Bash with the sandal... HILARIOUS.

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  44. Haha! Sounds familiar. Just scheduled a blog post about how Andrew lost his sandal at Hershey Park. I was determined to find it! lol

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  45. I love reading your hilarious blog! I think it might've even inspired me to do a little blog-age of my own (on a much smaller scale)! Currently I'm 32 weeks pregnant and I'm writing about the "joys" of this "glorious time." Here it is in case you are curious! http://thepregnantweirdo.tumblr.com

    On another note, it's great to read a blog from a fellow St. Louisan...and I am a ruffle butt hater as well!

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  46. only two months? Go you.


    My kids feet are black at the end of every day.

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  47. Love this post! Hermit over here who tries to get out often as the kids' moods demand it. Not to burst your bubble but getting a 5 and 8 year old to get dressed for Costco is not any easier than when they were toddlers. We have no drive throughs in our county & it is just mean for Moms!

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  48. I have been to that park for the fountain with our kid and felt the same way! Didn't get the lululemon head to toe memo.

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