These are the Days

24 July 2013

There's a bird on the loose in the house right now.

The back downstairs door has been open a good chunk of the day because ... new a/c installment day!! I wonder what they men would do if I handed them each a broom (one pink and child-sized) and kindly asked that they go on a wild bird chase? Simon suggested it but I said no.

Anyway, I keep thinking that I've made enough noise and flailed my arms and stomped my feet loud enough while the kids watch with rapt and confused attention that it's taken the hint and sweetly flown out the front door or the back door.

But no.

No. no. It soon resurfaces and after 65 minutes of fruitless frustration ... I quit because if there's anything I'm really good at doing it is quitting.

I'm 64% sure it's under the bed in the guest room where Sebastian's sleeps so .... hopefully they get along because nothing gets in the way of naps around here. Not even avian aliens. (Although after e-telling Hallie and Jen of my plight - Jen has me slightly concerned about possible droppings .... thanks Jen).

The installation has meant keeping the kids contained upstairs and out of the basement and backyard where the men are working. Aka ... not impossible but not enjoyable.

^^^we gave the front yard a whirl but it's always a matter of time before Sebastian gets in the mood for a little game of Chicken with a passing car and as much as I love playing the frantic yelling mommy with a baby in my arm role - my voice gets hoarse after the third car has snailed on by. And the kids pick the tops off of our pretty plastic picket so ... win/win there.

^^^Theo is wearing an oversized shirt because his diaper was such a disaster last night that before Simon had even undone the little tabs he'd frantically yell-asked, "CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE?!!?!?"

^^^and Sebastian has been big on "nice!" lately ... even if it means a little slip of the tongue when he kisses lucky Theo so we're working on toning down the force of the skull cracking slit-eyed side hugs.

I'm not opposed to a little hire of the Netflix nanny but Sebastian loses interest after the "ba-skinning" as Julia calls the opening credits of any show and I draw the line after the unplugged laptop has run out of juice. Only light brain frying allowed around here.

Julia was livid that I wouldn't let her talk to "her guys" in the basement and Sebastian threw a tantrum so great that at one point he was open and closing the oven door with the force of a resurrected Goliath. I tried to ignore him but I couldn't hold my laughter in any longer when Julia got involved and up in his screaming grill as she told him that "Daddy wasn't home to save him" and that "maybe he wanted to go to timeout for a bittle bit?"

... she's available to babysit small domestic house trained animals if you're interested. 

I did throw caution to the wind and left the house in the hands of Julia's mans to take advantage of the fact that Simon had time to meet us for lunch ...

^^^Hallelujah. Pork flying and hell freezing and everythang.

On the way home I thought it'd be nice to buy the guys some Frosties as a sort of thank you/I'm sorry the kids were bugging and screeching and fighting and making your work less than enjoyable over the blaring of your Nickelback soundtrack ... so I pulled into the drive-thru and got up to the window to pay and you know one of the worst feelings eve?

"um, just one second ... I can't find my card"

fumble fumble 

sweat frantic sweat

Wendy's employee not amused

admit defeat ...

"well I guess we'll come back"

So I pulled into an empty parking space and just as I emptied my purse out completely - Julia piped up, "oh!!! your card is in MY purse ... I put it in MY purse, Mommy"

and girlfrand wasn't lying.

Back through the thru and home to the scene of spilled Frosties that never made it into the hands of the toilers because I was too busy trying to chase the bird out of the house to notice that Sebastian had plopped down on the floor and used his hands as spoons before crying about the fact that they were cold. He may have gotten his dad's pretty face but his smarts? They come from his mother dearest.

"I jus need to get my shit off"

(it's actually a very short dress but ... points for the wild guess)

And now this little muffin is putting up the no-nap best fight EVER because as soon as he senses his kind guardian has plans to leave the house to tire her charges out to guaranTEE some quality nappage ....

(yes, I always look that good and that happy)

And now I'm off to see about a bird that I'm sure has gathered supplies to build and feather a nest, laid some eggs, and maybe hatched some young. How do you spell fun?

Just like that.


  1. I want a side hug from Bash, so cute!!

  2. I hope to have adventures as great as yours one day. (no lie or sarcasm intended in any of that)

  3. I won't tell you the old southern superstition that a bird in the house means a death in the family. The fear of bird poop and other mysterious bird-borne bacteria should be enough to worry you.

    "daddy's not home to save you" is my new favorite Julia saying ever.

    I think Simon needs to hire you a mother's helper for a couple of hours a week. I'm tired just reading this and I slept until noon today. After falling asleep at 10pm last night. Because I had three little blessings of my own once upon a time and God apparently realizes He owes me a few extra hours of sleep.

  4. I was so hoping the bird in the house was a joke. I couldn't function. I wouldn't want to hurt the bird, but it cannot be all up in ma face.

    The joke of people torching their house because they lost track of a spider - that would be me...with the bird.

    I'm on edge just thinking about it in your house.

  5. Fabulous call J on the CC! My three yr old would totally pull something like that

  6. Your life is thee best, and the fact that you type it all out for us is awesome! I e-commiserate with you everyday over here with my brood, BUT we have never had a bird in the house amidst all of our other lovely adventures. I'm with Simon, ask Julia's mans to get them out. Maybe they take melted Bashed frosties as a tip!

  7. ugh..I'm having a minor panic attack imaging a bird loose in my house- that's some scary stuff! But the frosty would likely calm me down

  8. we have bats. as in plural. yuck. watch this it (may) make you feel a leetle better.
    Don't watch around kids. :)

  9. A bat flew in my parents' house once. My mom cowered in the bedroom while my stepdad and their dog, Wilson, sprung into action. Literally sprung. Wilson was told to "get the bird" and chased the bat back and forth through the house leaping up in the air trying to catch it. And finally he did! Then my stepdad said "Don't drop it!" but all Wilson heard was the typical "Drop it!" command so he sat down and opened his mouth. The bat flew out and it was game on again!

    So what I'm saying is, if you want me to put Wilson on a plane to St. Louis, I'm sure he could take care of your bird situation and then Julia could put some of her bootcamp-like encouragement to good use.

  10. Ohmygoodness Sebastian hugging Theo is the best ever. SO CUTE.

  11. Josiah is big on the head-first, slit-eyed side hugs too. Accompanied by an incomprehensible falsetto. What's the dealio with that?

  12. oh my goodness! that same thing happened to me yesterday. i forgot my credit cards in a shirt pocket (because i don't bring a purse to grocery shop, just stick my cards in a pocket). so there i was ordering my lunch & i got that horrible feeling when it was time to pay. luckily, i found a long lost card deep down in my purse that got the job done!

  13. Everything that comes out of Julia's mouth is so stinkin' hilarious!! Thanks for the laughs. And how is for irony that your new a/c is installed on the first cool day we've had in ages????

  14. hmmm, if we were closer I would take you up on the baby sitting offer. Only because I'm sort of sick of my 2 year saying "mmmmoooooommmmmyyyyyyy pease wat DOE-RA wit me" or "pease play DOE-RA wit me" and as she just had her birthday it still look like DOE-RA exploded in our living room - thanks Grandmas :0

  15. I don't know where to start... so here's a bunch of thoughts: I probably would have gone into hiding if we had a bird in the house, much less have the mind to blog. Bash's side hug is the cutest thing EVER. What is it about husbands not being able to deal with diaper blowouts without backup? The fact that J is already stealing your card is hilarious - but not as funny as the oven door incident. Or Bash using his hands for spoons. This one was full of gems!!

  16. Everytime I read one of your posts, I just want to reach into the screen and hug you. Not creepy at all. Please please please keep sharing with us! Also, last summer TWO birds flew into our house, circled the living room a few times then flew out the way they came....but not before pooping on my 2-year-old's arm. I laughed so hard.

  17. Yikes on the bird. I'm sure you've taken care of the bird already, but for future reference, birds fly towards the light. So, to get a bird to fly out of your house, you want to make your house or room as dark as possible, except for one open door or window which lets in light and the bird will fly towards the light and out to freedom.

  18. I remember when there was a bird stuck in my classroom, I thought I was going to cry. The thing crapped everywhere. Let us know when you remove the nuisance!

    Also, Julia's words to Bash = scolding of the year.

  19. I LOVE your blog! I happened on your blog(my mom is a Patton).I am so glad I found you and your real life blog. Thank you.

  20. If the bird hasn't completely freaked and had diarrhea all over the floor and the sliding glass door, count yourself lucky!! Do I speak from experience?? Why, yes! We moved into a house here in Hawaii a month ago, and when the movers left the door open, not one but two mynas walked in. And apparently mynas are notoriously mean, so the (thuggy) moving guys were too scared to chase them out. I'm still so scarred by the experience, I twitch every time I see a myna. (And they are EVERYWHERE!)

  21. Eeeek! The bird! What a day!
    And it's probably been there a while and I'm just blind, but I LOVE your profile pic on the sidebar! So pretty!

  22. Is this post sponsored by Wendy's? If so, please label it as such. I am a tremendous fan of your blog, Grace, and I'm truly not saying this to be snarky (lord knows I love frosties as much as the next girl), I just appreciate it when bloggers are up front about sponsorship.

    1. Um, no. I'm always up front about sponsorship :)

    2. @e moore: Ease up oh constipated one...can't a girl buy her family some ice cream??? What difference does it make anyway??? The post is awesome!!! Sponsered or not.

    3. Grace, that's awesome. Sorry if I came off suspiciously. I appreciate your efforts to be upfront with your readers.

      Julz, the reason I asked is because Grace has written content sponsored by Wendy's in the past- about frosties, even- and the prominent Wendy's logo in one of the photos made me wonder. Ethical concerns, not constipation, were the driving force behind my comment (thank goodness!). Disclosing sponsorship actually is important, even in the blogging world, because material connections between advertisers and endorsers are regulated by the Federal Trade Commission. If you are interested in educating yourself about the topic, this is a good summary article written by the Guardian: Rafflecopter also has a great blog post that goes into detail about the actual regulations:

    4. We are aware of how sponsorships work. I don't think Grace needs to be schooled, bc as she already said, she is always up front about them. If you have read her blog at all in the past, you would see she is true to her word.

    5. Jdel, I wasn't trying to "school" Grace. If you look at my paragraph breaks, you can see that the first paragraph is addressed to Grace, and the second to Julz. I expressed a concern in the politest way I could think of, Grace responded, and I thanked her for explaining. I took the time to briefly bring up the FTC in response to Julz because she asked "what difference does it make [whether the sponsored posts are labelled]" and seemed unaware of the topic.

  23. THank you to your sweet daughter for starting my morning with some awkward 'I'm in an office full of quiet people' laughter..

  24. Dear Grace,
    If it weren't weird for a person who's never met another person to give them a hug, I totally would.
    Also, on two separate occasions birds have been indoors and I have wanted them outdoors and the situation has been solved by praying the St. Francis prayer ("Make me an instrument of your peace" etc). Seriously! The first time it happened the bird had flown into a gigantic hall/basketball court and there was only a small exit for it and yet right at the "Amen. St. Francis, pray for us" he flew out. I was so amazed I tried it a second time (in a kitchen this time) and again, worked like a charm (err, or like an answer to prayer). I welcome your participation in this holy experiment!
    Love your Australian e-friend (blushes)

  25. I love how Julia tells him "daddy isn't here to save you" hahahahahahahaha!!!!

  26. I empathize with yor bird situation. Not to one up you, but try bats. Bats in the house. Totally awesome. I know from experience. And if you and the kids are feeling inspired by your bird situation, you should read "There is a Bird on Your Head" by Mo Willems. Pretty funny stuff.

  27. If there was a bird in my house, I wouldn't stop screaming. Not kidding they freak me out. I can't believe you were brave enough to go near it!

  28. Daddy isn't here to save you.... Best ever :) thanks for the smile

  29. Everyone seems to want to hug you, but I just want to go drinking together. Happy birthday!

  30. Everyone seems to want to hug you, but I just want to go drinking together. Happy birthday!

  31. Too crazy Grace...and HAPPY BIRTHDAY btw!! mom was just telling my son and I the story about how as a little girl her cat brought in a bird -alive- and my grandmother flipped out! Grandfather did use a broom follwed by his gloved hands to "release" it...BUT...the other time it was a live mouse, Papa wasn'home, and Nana went straight over to the builders working next door and asked them for help! So I thimk the AC guys were fair game. (My mom did say my grandmother always gave them cookies and iced tea...frostees weren't around yet I guess!) Brave woman you are.

  32. Hands down, yours is my favorite blog to read, always. :)



Camp Patton © All rights reserved · Theme by Blog Milk · Blogger