Simon Says

09 January 2013

"Okay kids, on the count of three say, 'we hate this!!'"

Making perfectly sweet analogies regarding the kids' temperaments, Simon said, "Sebastian is a Jolly Rancher and Julia is a Sour Patch Kid."

After returning home from an errand Simon said, "did your boyfriend pay you a visit while I was out? You're in an abnormally good mood."

After I asked Julia why she was being so bad Simon said, "she's not being bad, she's just being herself."

Before we left the house and after taking a gander at Julia's attire the other day Simon said, "let's go change your diaper and your ugly outfit. Someone just might mistake you for Honey Boo Boo."

While I was debating a healthy meal option versus a very non-healthy meal option, Simon suggested, "you're at the end of the pregnancy - you should just let yourself go."

Regarding Sebastian's good looks Simon said, "I feel like for the past week or two Sebastian has finally started to look a little bit cute for the first time in his life."

Reaffirming our decision not to pay for Santa photos, "Julia looks like hell anyway."

After watching the kids inhale their favorite meal of cold and cut up turkey dogs Simon said, "child abuse."

After watching me eat one of the pieces of cold and cut up turkey dog Simon asked, "what's it feel like to have just lost a significant chunk of your dignity?"

In response to a spate of texts regarding the first two days alone with all three kids Simon said, "we are going to have an official Lowering of the Standards Ceremony where we eat cold hot dogs with our hands off of paper plates."

While changing one of Sebastian's diaper bombs and listening to Julia and Theo carry on and on and on Simon said, "I think I was meant to raise children in the era of nannies and butlers."

Answering my "have you seen the pump?" question for the 89th time, Simon said, "no, I haven't! It's like you think I steal your pump so I can sneak off and milk myself."


65 comments:

  1. My butler serves cold cut up hot dogs off paper plates all the time.
    Everything's fancier with a butler.

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  2. I may just survive my third trimester thanks to this post.

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  3. Oh the last one is the best! So funny, thanks for the laughs Simon!

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  4. hahaha i love "Simon Says". so much. and, that picture is adorable. his sour patch kid comment makes me think of that commercial where the sour patch kid makes the cyclist ride right into a brick wall then is all sweet afterwards, oh julia ;)

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  5. thankyouthankyouthankyou for sharing. the 3 about the turkey dogs and the milk pump=genius!

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  6. Ha! That last one especially gave me the chuckle I needed to carry on with the dishes.

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  7. love it. thanks for sharing!!

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  8. So I just came across your blog today thanks to Whole Parenting Family, and I'm pretty much dying from sarcastic laughter. Love your writing voice, will definitely be coming back. Hysterical and way-too-real for comfort.

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  9. Oh so funny, as always. Tell Simon thanks for being the bright spot in my otherwise dreadful afternoon.

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  10. I feel myself at the point of pregnancy where it's just sooo tempting to let myself go-esp. regarding meal planning and Christmas candy eating.

    Thanks for the mid-afternoon amusement, Simon!

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  11. love love love your blog! It never fails to cheer me up. Now my entire team at work knows about Camp Patton because of the giggles I tried to stifle, which only made me laugh harder :)

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  12. Maybe the wet nurse keeps misplacing the pump. I know that's what happens around here.

    Oh, wait...

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  13. This may be one of the best editions of Simon Says to date. Bravo, Simone! BRAVO!

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  14. The milk pump one kills me. So hilarious.

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  15. I just knew there would be some Simon gems coming after the birth of Theo...thanks for sharing!
    p.s. I also just tried my first chia smoothie. it was interesting...gotta tweak my recipe but i'll definitely be trying it again!

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    1. let me know if you figure out a good one! I need to get back on the Chia train

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  16. Laughed OUT LOUD to the last comment! Love it!

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  17. Oh geez! Thanks for the laughs! I should quote my own better, other half. Men are really from Mars, aren't they?!
    Hoping you are resting every second you can!

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  18. My favorite posts of yours are the simon says. you two are HILARIOUS.

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  19. I just recently discovered your blog and have since read ummm everything you ever wrote. In the past 10 days. You are so cute with a lovely family and my fave is Simon says!

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  20. oh my word. the breast pump one had me ROARING.

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  21. This was the very best "Simon Says" post yet!

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  22. As the page loaded and I read "Simon says..." I became overwhelmed with excitement and anticipation! And he pretends he isn't the slightest bit amused by all this stranger love for his words!?

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  23. That last one had me rolling. Simon should have his own reality show.

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  24. Can I be pregnant again so I can let myself go? Minus the fact I could only consume 1/4th of a cold turkey dog at a time.. It would be great.

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  25. Made me laugh until I cried. Loved it.

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  26. Love the sneak off and pump myself comment! I'd say you are doing pretty good! You are blogging and you just had a baby. Love Julia's pink mocs by the way.

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  27. Husbands...gotta love 'em. If it weren't for mine, I'd be bored daily. :) Thank you for sharing your wonderful husband with us!

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  28. Ok, this gem: "After returning home from an errand Simon said, "did your boyfriend pay you a visit while I was out? You're in an abnormally good mood." had me almost spit out my pineapple juice. Hilaaaaarious!

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  29. That last one about the breast pump...... Hahahahahaha!!!! That was great!

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  30. Oh, the milk pump! I am laughing too hard.

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  31. Oh. love it. Simon Says was always my favorite. Who knew the grown up version would be even better!

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  32. Thank God for this today. Very much needed.

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  33. HAHAHAH! HoneyBooBoo...The pump! That's so wrong. Does he laugh when he says this stuff or is he straight faced?

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  34. These are always my favorite. HILARIOUS. He really should have a tv show.

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  35. "milk myself"= best ever

    Confession time! For the first 6 months after every baby is born, we use paper plates. There's no lowering of standards. That IS the standard.

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    1. do you honestly????? i'm intrigued at this idea. very very intrigued.

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  36. That last one is one of my all time faves

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  37. The Official Lowering of Standards ceremony was my fave! Always funny!

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  38. aaaand, drum-roll, my favorite is: In response to a spate of texts regarding the first two days alone with all three kids Simon said, "we are going to have an official Lowering of the Standards Ceremony where we eat cold hot dogs with our hands off of paper plates." good stuff camp patton, good stuff. why do we pay exorbitant amount of money for goat cheese and crustettes when we will eat cold turkey dogs??

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  39. My husband and I are dying laughing over here! Thanks for sharing!

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  40. These are hilarious! What a way to end a fabulous day over here :-) I'm new to your Blog, but have enjoyed everything thus far. Can't wait for more of these!

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  41. SO funny! I loved this so much; Simace for prom king and queen!

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  42. seriously Grace, those are hysterical!!

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  43. These posts are hilariously awesome. You probably just invent these lines :)

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  44. In danger of bursting a blood vessel because I'm stifling my laughter so I don't wake my sleeping husband! "Did your boyfriend pay you a visit?" Oh my gosh, what could be funnier? Oh, I know... "Milk myself!" Oh my gosh. Too darn funny.

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  45. The last one! Oh my goodness gracious, have mercy! I'm supposed to be sleeping right now per the husband's orders so I'm smothering my fits of laughter under the pillow. Loser.

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  46. I am a devout paper plate buyer and user. I declare it is to save the wear and tear on the dishwasher and saves money on the water bill. Truth...I am L-A-Z-Y!!! Simon never, ever disappoints and I too laughed out loud at the last statement!

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  47. "I think I was meant to raise children in the era of nannies and butlers."
    LOVE IT!

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  48. I almost peed, and I haven't even birthed a human being.




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  49. Excellent edition of Simon Says...I think I have a crush on your husband's sense of humor :)

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  50. You married a real jokster! I'm still laughing about the last one :)

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  51. Oh Simon. I always forward these to Mike and he gets so jealous. "I'm funny too, right?"

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  52. My grandmother always says "Don't be yourself, be nice."

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