Short Stories

01 October 2013

from around these parts of late ...

+ after 2.2 minutes of being in our hotel room in San Antonio (the first room we were assigned had two sleeping bodies in one of the beds ....... I don't need to tell you how much worse that scenario could've played out for all parties involved) Sebastian locked himself in the bathroom. Julia would've freaked herself into faint mode but Sebastian just said, "no" when I asked him if he could unlock the door and proceeded to try to flush the entire spare roll of toilet paper down the toilet (he failed, every time). We got the door unlocked with a bobby pin just as security rolled up. No harm no foul and all that tap dancing.

+ our flight from San Antonio to St. Louis was completely full which meant that Sebastian had to be an actual lap child on my lap. To say it couldn't have gone worse is the understatement of my life because he was the stereotypical hellion that all passengers boarding flights with children tend to hate. He pitched fits in the aisle, he threw my phone down 78 times, he threw the open bag of pretzels down 79 times, he creepily stroked the gentleman to my right's bare knee and even went in for a hairy cap kiss before Mean Mom swooped. He screamed for "mama!!!!" when Simon held him and then screamed for "dada!!!!!" when I held him/pinned him to my person against his will. He passed out after being in the car for 3 seconds and proved my crazy theory that not-quite-two-year-olds do still REALLY need naps to survive the elements.

if you're happy and you know it.

+ Julia and Sebastian are really into playing Frisbee with each other. Except Julia calls it, "Frow-dee" (rhymes with "grotty" - beats out all words for being the worst word ever) and I have to tell Julia to "throw harder" because she's lucky to get it one foot in front of her person and Sebastian to "throw softer and not aim for her face ... " because he's one throw away from popping her eye right out of the sock.  So I guess you could say I'm really into it too. When do they start quietly playing Monopoly? When Sebastian turns two? Good.

+ Up until today Julia claimed her favorite favorite drink was Diet Coke. Today she announced that both she and Theo prefer "Diet Pepper". If I were to open up a little daycare business on the side I really think the waiting list would be a marathon of miles long.

+ I rear-ended someone yesterday. Well, not a person but a car. Everyone was fine. We pulled into a nearby parking lot and I approached the other car on foot with all of the correct documentation trying not to show how proud I was that for once I had all of the correct and updated paperwork. He held up his hand as if I might be approaching from the minivan with a loaded firearm and when he did finally emerge from his (unharmed, completely unharmed - yet he still insisted on calling a squad car to the scene of the crime - the officer was not amused) vehicle I would've guessed that he was 5-10 years my senior.

NOPE.

He gave me his license to write down his info (I went ahead and went the millennial route and just snapped and emailed myself a cell photo of his shit - tell me I'm not a genius) and he was born 2 (TWO) years after the old hag that hit him.

+ Back to San Antonio. There was a little animal presentation that the hotel put on for kids so being the fun parents that we are -- we took our offspring. They let the kids pet a lot of the species (not the gigando scorpion with the venomous tail, shockingly) but the gigando snake was up for pets. Or grabs if your name is Sebastian. Just as the nice animal man was repeating, "gentle touches, gentle pets, just touch very softly ... " Sebastian looked at the nice man and grabbed the snake's tail and pulled as hard as he could - clenched jaw and all. You know when your body simultaneously perspires voluntarily and shivers violently with fear for your life? Sebastian didn't suffer a vengeful death or even a wrath bite but he will be leashed and muzzled next time we hit up the zoo. Which may very well be never.

Oh, I didn't get a photo of the snake but here's a nice wallaby.

They just let it loose on the premises which terrified Julia and cracked Sebastian right up. Luckily, the W was too fast for Bash.

+ I was in and out of Costco for all of our essentials today in 17 minutes. I'd love a little recognition for that feat from anyone that's ever shopped with three little kittens with penchants for disturbing all peaceful aisles. Homemaker Olympics? Come at me.

+ Hopefully you read this in a monotone robot voice because that was my vision for this post. Humor a Grace.

Thanks for playing.

31 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh.....the snake!! haha. Laughing...I'm sure it was terrifying to be there watching it happen!

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  2. My son locked himself in our down stairs bedroom, I tried the bobby pin trick but that didn't work. I had to call in back of in the form of the construction workers outside the house. They had power tools and just took the knob off, while my son sat in the middle of the floor screaming as if I was the one who locked him in there. He survived to lock another door in the house the very next day :)

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  3. So so so so so so so glad to have you back!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  4. Yes, I so did that the last time I got into a car kerfuffle. Why write down the info.

    And I prefer your short stories to the boring ones my English teachers had us read in high school. Maybe not a daycare for the choppers ;), but you could make it as a short story writer, right? ;)

    Probably too many ;)'s

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  5. Oh my. I think I would have been drunk for the duration. Which might have hurt my chances for escaping arrest during that rear-ending sitch.

    Anyways gold medal for that 17 minutes!!!! That's how long it takes me to get my two locked down in the cart.

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  6. Philip just came in and asked me why I'm nursing the baby and laughing to myself. This whole thing. I'd sign my kids up for your daycare because you make it look way easier than I do:)

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  7. Love the homemaker Olympics, I would definitely get last place but it'd be fun to imagine what mundane/everyday things could actually be considered accomplishments. With the hellish flight I took the kids to the east coast two months ago and for 3 out of 4 flights they were both perfect, but for one... Joseph was just like Sebastian..,screaming, flailing, I tried benadryl which bought me a one hour nap (but I still had to make it one and half hrs after that) and I am still slightly scarred! He was a lap child too... But I did honestly expect him to act that way more than when he acted perfect and I was like, are you my child? ;)

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  8. I would have DIED if I had to take my heathens on a plane, especially if I had to corral one on my lap. You are a brave woman.

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  9. So very glad you are OK. I "bumped" into someone two weeks ago. They were driving the "driving school" car. Yay me!
    Nice to know that Bash is practicing for "The WIld Kingdom"...sheesh...

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  10. Yay!!! Without panda cam I was on the verge of a complete meltdown. Keep it coming!

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  11. Costco in 17 minutes? You deserve a laurel wreath, or at the very least a Costco smoothie, for that feat.

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  12. Making it in and out of any store in 17 mins deserves a medal. Grace's new fave beverage is my black coffee... although she was pretty persistent in trying to get my aunt to let her have some margarita over the weekend. Sorry about the plane trip - that is the worst feeling when you're trying to wrangle hellions in public confined places. I hope you had a drink once you got home!!

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  13. Costco in 17 minutes! I feel like that is the amount of time it takes us just to get out of the car and into a cart.

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  14. Hilarious, as usual. I'm sad to admit that I anxiously await your posts pretty much everyday. Seriously consider writing a book---like a coffee table book of funny quips about your family. I'd buy it.

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  15. Well just call Bash Steve Irwin from now on...there was a 3 foot black snake in our garage last week that I happened upon. I still have palpitations so I can't imagine touching one.

    Gold medal for sure for that costco run. I'm impressed!

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  16. So glad you're back! Missed you. And the plane ride. Oh my. I hope you had lots and lots of libations awaiting you at home. I'm sure you needed it. And the snake story.....! Hahahahaha!!

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  17. sheer perfection. just the laughs I needed this evening.

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  18. homemaker olympics! that should totally be a thing! i wholeheartedly support it.

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  19. You make me laugh! Not always an easy feat after a long day with my brood!! Thank you! And I have to know - how big is Bash? My almost 2 year old constantly gets remarks made about his size... and to tell the truth I think our kids could get a picture taken together and people MAY mistake them for cousins! (Our priest use to call my girls Cheeks....) :-) Thanks again for the laugh with every post!! I look forward to all of them!

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  20. OMG I LOLed sooooooo hard at "he creepily stroked the gentleman to my right's bare knee and even went in for a hairy cap kiss." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh I feel your pain. Last time I flew with Garrett he had a meltdown every time I had to pry his race car away from him so the TSA could x-ray-scan it.

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  21. I just made my husbo read this shiz. He has zero patience for children on planes (it's not their fault, his fear of flying is beyond irrational. More...hysterical.) and I'm always sheepishly apologizing for the dirty looks he shoots across aisles (as sweat pours down his brow). I figured if he read this hysterical mother's point of view, he might feel a little less sorry for himself and a little more sorry for the moms. He seems to get it, but I hope he recalls it the next time we hurl ourselves across country in giant metal tube. Thanks for sharing. And on behalf of the wives of dudes who are cranky on planes, I apologize. They really aren't that horrendous outside of an airplane.

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  22. I just made my husbo read this shiz. He has zero patience for children on planes (it's not their fault, his fear of flying is beyond irrational. More...hysterical.) and I'm always sheepishly apologizing for the dirty looks he shoots across aisles (as sweat pours down his brow). I figured if he read this hysterical mother's point of view, he might feel a little less sorry for himself and a little more sorry for the moms. He seems to get it, but I hope he recalls it the next time we hurl ourselves across country in giant metal tube. Thanks for sharing. And on behalf of the wives of dudes who are cranky on planes, I apologize. They really aren't that horrendous outside of an airplane.

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  23. So the whole room already belonged to someone else...I've been involved in that scenerio twice. Once as a hotel employee and yes...the worst possible scenario occurred. Let's just say both couples didn't pay for their stay. And then we were on vacation sleeping when someone busted into our roon at night. It involved me panicking. Haha

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  24. 17 minutes...for real..?

    I just don't believe it. That's barely enough time to park and load the cart with childrens. Dang girl, you got that down!

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  25. Welcome home! You were missed! Also, stick with Frisbee. Monopoly at our house takes a minimum of 3 hours and it usually ends in someone crying. (And that someone is usually me...because THREE HOURS!?)

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  26. Please lets organize a homemakers olympics. all of my in-laws would be so in. especially colleen. ;)

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  27. i can't even make it in and out of Costco in 17 minutes, sans offspring. and when i bring Nick it takes even longer (but we neeeeed this jackhammer. and these weird dried fruits. and 17,000 pairs of socks.). remember when i said i lost him in a Sunglass Hut? that was not an exaggeration.

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  28. You should be given your own parade for getting in and out of Costco in 17 minutes. I don't think that is even possible when shopping alone.

    Bash and the snake... You described that looks so well. I know exactly what you are talking about. My nephew David gets the same look, always right before he hits someone. What was the snake-handlers reaction?

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  29. What is it with kids and locking the doors? When I'm IN the house, they leave every stupid door they can find wiiide open. Cabinets? Storm door? Refrigerator? All standing open for my convenience. The minute I step outside to throw away a horrible diaper, they become terrified of intruders and lock the door behind me. After pounding on the door one too many times, I now have extra keys hidden strategically around my garage and and property.

    When he was 2, our #1 son decided it would be awesome to go through and lock and then close all of the upstairs doors. So I went upstairs and every single doorknob I tried was locked, with no one in any of the rooms. I had to get a screwdriver and remove every single handle set. I was less than pleased.

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  30. Your posts always have me laughing! And big big BIG kuddos for the in and out in 17 mins at Costco! That is incredible. Really.

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  31. This is the perfect vacation recap! So glad you're back at it...we missed you, Grace!

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