do you have a minute or 99? take a seat.

26 September 2013

I'm dealing with the S L O W E S T internet in all of the first world's land so .... bear with my rosy tones here.

Maybe this will post in 2027 and everyone will be like, "internet? remember when that was a thing?" .. no. The internet will always be a thing. I hope. The most action my laptop has seen these past few days has been playing the white noise from one of my favorite websites, "free online sound machine" and to be perfectly honest with you ... it is killing me not so softly. I know lots of people get some sort of crazy recharge from unplugging and this is probably a very telling sign of a normal and healthy and functioning human. But me? I hate it. Maybe I'm a little bit like Jen or maybe I'm just so grossly reliant on my e-social interactions that I need some sort of mandated sugar detox - hold the sugar, add the internet. All of the stupid internet.

But we're not here to dwell on my addictions (because let's not get started on goth nail colors, homemade coffee ground facial scrub that basically removes the entire dermis, or Gavin Degraw's genius) - nope! We're here so that I might throw a lot of nonsense at you. The usual that you've come to know and silently groan about, I'm sure.

So here we go.

Twice now Julia has started "grooving" (her word for dancing, my word for seizing) and singing, "uh-plause, uh-plause, uh-plause" at the beginning of a song that's playing from my mom's van's radio while we've been driving around. As soon as the refrain comes on I realize. Of course. Of course she would know Lady Gaga's latest single because I am a cognizant mother that has her daughter's best interest at heart. I've never been one to listen to lyrics which is how I justify liking/loving 96% of the top crappy 40 but if she's going to start picking up on the smut that is radio-appropriate music ... we're going to need to hook Sister up with an iPod loaded with Raffi. Or something. My name is Grace, not Sacrificial Grace. My sanity saving van trips loaded with poppy tunes will live on. And on. AND ON.

Things that plague me: our next leg of the trip (starting tomorrow) consists of a trip to San Antonio. Simon has a conference to attend and we're tagging along. I don't even really care about the flights even though I bet they are full full full - they should be relatively quick. Texas is big but New Mexico is rightnextdoor. No, I'm really wondering if the hotel "cribs" will be those insitution-like rolly hospitalesque cribs? If so - it probably won't fit in the bathroom which is where Sebastian will need to sleep. Let me stress the need. Maybe you've dealt with docile toddlers that will just snuggle up in a hotel bed and conk out at an acceptable hour but Sebastian will not. Julia will - after a long chat about things big girls do and requests to "wrap her in" (tuck/wrap are synonymous just like because/whycuz) I should just call and ask if they have pack-n-plays and be done with it and prepared to face the horror music but I hate making phone calls.

I forgot to tell you on one of our flights on Saturday I tuned in and out of the conversation happening directly behind me. It sounded like a lady was telling her seat neighbor all about her grandkids or maybe her kids, "well, he isn't scared of the dark but she won't go downstairs alone unless I get up and turn the hall light on .... " and "oh they love my sister when she babysits them because they get so spoiled .... " and "their favorite food is filet mignon but it has to be marinated for at least 24 hours beforehand ..."

Oh-kee. kids with refined palates?

No. A lengthy listen to the tail end of the one-sided conversation that lasted the entire length of the notshort flight led me to the cold hard truth. She was talking about her cats.

A feline hater I am not but if I ever make your ears bleed for that long while I force you to listen to stories about my human offspring? Yank my vocal cords. Take them all. Forever.

And the blog doesn't count. I'm not holding you hostage on a sky-locked vessel for hours on end.

Okay, that's enough.


Oh! But wait! A storyboard starring my kittens ...




SSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH < ----- THAT WAS JULIA SPELLING "J"

caps lock off.

okay. that's really enough.

36 comments:

  1. We used to live in SA! A year ago. Go to the river walk and always remember the Alamo!!

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  2. You're coming here to SA?! Hope you have fun here! :) Luckily for you, it's always ~93727827372 degrees here! :p

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  3. Loved it. ALL OF IT. Good luck on your Texas cribage. I hope it works out in your favor! *fingers crossed*

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  4. Some completely unsolicited kid-friendly suggestions: San Antonio has a great zoo with an under 5 section where we like to take our kids...there's a shallow "riverbank" where they can splash and play with sand. And there's a train in the park.
    The Cove is a good place for a burger, and they have a fenced in playground so you can eat and drink while the kids run around. Very family friendly.
    Hope you have a great visit!

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    1. The Cove is amazinggggg. There's also a children's museum downtown, right on Houston and Navarro! I've never been, but have only heard good things about it.

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  5. OMGracious! Thank you. Thank you for making me spit out my coffee unto my screen. I am with Bash. Eff that baby. LOL! That is awesomesauce! Looks like you had a great time with the fam. YAY! I will say a prayer that the hotel situation is one you can deal with. Good luck with that. I can go to bed now. I have had my Grace therapy....have fun tomorrow...

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  6. your kids are adorable with a capital A. My cats get cat food. If anyone gets filet mignon in this house it is going to be me ;-)

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  7. You are the first person I've ever met that might possibly love Gavin Degraw as much as me.... maybe.

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  8. BAHAHA thank you so much for posting those pics of Sebastian. I am dying.

    I don't think I would have minded listening to that lady on the plane if I knew all along it was cats because, well, cats that need nightlights and marinated filet mignon? That's kind of horrifying enough to be interesting.

    I really hope they have pack and plays for you at the hotel! God bless!

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  9. Bash's reaction is priceless. Good luck with the hotel situation. I don't suppose Simon will ever have a conference in Iowa? Just checking.

    Cat lady... omg. It may sound funny coming from this homebody... But that lady REALLY needs to get out more.

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  10. Oh, the storyboard. Hilarious!
    We had the same problem with our kids and hotels. It annoyed me to no end when the closet wasn't big enough to fit a baby bed. Finally, we started just staying at suites. They don't cost much more than regular hotel rooms, and with the free, huge hot breakfasts, it made it even more worth it. (Embassy Suites is one we stay in a lot.)

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  11. ok you are hilarious Grace!!! Love your blog so much.

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  12. Inquire to your husband about melatonin. Our pediatrician approved it's use for my son (3). Five nights of hea-ven! Totally never traveling or camping without it. Oh happy pills, how you've saved my soul!

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  13. Loved the storyboard! Sleeping in hotels can be horrible. Or wonderful. Then again, I've only got one kid so the bathroom stays a bathroom. Lately in San Diego Eire ended up staying the night with us in our (king-sized!!!) bed which after a double was such a relief we didn't even notice through the clouds of real, real, sleep.

    EWM

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  14. Eff this. Hilarious as usual.

    I wouldn't mind being trapped in an airplane for a few hours with you. I bet your stories go great with some red wine. Plus our kids could battle it out. Baby wrestling. I hear it's a thing.

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  15. You are hilarious. Now share the coffee ground scrub recipe, pretty please!

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  16. Omg...I'm going to be a short 2 hour drive away!!! Go to the river walk and have margaritas. Just watch out because there is actually a river for Sebastian to jump in!

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  17. Bash has the same terrified look on his face that I do on Trampolines. Thank Gma for graphically telling me how uncle So and So split open his head and had a compound fracture because he jumped to high and too close to the edge. Every childhood jump since than was filled with terror. Years later Uncle So and So reviled that it was all a ploy to terrify all the grandchildren and permanently scar the masses.

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  18. When we have to leave home and stay in a hotel I search and search until I can find one that has suite/kitchenette/whatever they want to call a single room that has two sections with a door that closes between them- because my toddlers will not ever go to bed in the same room or in a hotel (hello 3am is not bedtime). Song lyrics- my 4 year olds favorite (still) song is by Keisha- We r who we r- learned from the radio on car rides. I distinctly remember him at 18 months in Target waving his hands in the air and chanting ( so cute we thought) car car car...at age 2 we finally understood he was singing her line "we're tearing it apart, part, p-p-part"

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  19. Hey! I just stumbled across your blog, it caught my eye because my maiden name is Patton :)

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  20. Hannabert feels the same way about trampolines and bounce houses...Reserve your concern about the GaGa until you see the BubbleGuppies cover of Poker Face...I stutter PaPaPa Penceil Case all.day.long.in my head. Nightmare. We still aren't editing Mumford & Sons mostly because it is Babel album and I am convincing everyone I know that it is biblically based so, no worries.

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  21. Best blog...love your storytelling. THE GREATEST!

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  22. Best blog...love your storytelling. THE GREATEST!

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  23. I love that Julia knows all the Top 40 hits. HA. Win.

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  24. I recently attended a sing-a-long screening of Grease. One of my favorite movies as a child. Always overheating the VCR status of love. As an adult, re-watching it, with the lyrics typed out I realized just how salacious it really is. Of course, I called my mother and asked how she could ever let me watch something so tawdry at such a young and impressionable age. Her response was a slew of questions. Did I ever wear leather hot pants? Have I ever changed my identity for a man? Do I smoke cigarettes? You get the point. She said I turned out just fine, I loved it and it was far better than any of that Barney garble.

    Rock on Lady Gaga. Rock on!

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  25. I feel like you might enjoy this. MIGHT. If you don't it's not my fault. http://www.catster.com/search/?cx=partner-pub-4825131360774708%3Aj1dybi6opw8&cof=FORID%3A9&as_q=mittens

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  26. Oh my how cute is Julia?!? She looks like such a little girl in those trampoline pictures. :)

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  27. And of course, the thing I love the most about this post is Julia's dress....so cute!!!

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  28. Sebastian's face in that last photo is priceless!

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  29. I totally didn't think that Bash would be the one who's all NOOOOOOOOOOOO on a trampoline! He seems like such the daredevil. Also, but you probably already know this because you posted your hotel crib question three days ago, the places I've stayed had mini-pack-n-plays and they fit in the bathroom just fine. Let's hope the hotel you were staying in was the same, for everyone's sake.

    And I love my cats, but... WOW.

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  30. Let's see -- so why was I just in San Antonio? Because I was visiting my dad who was attending a veterinary conference. Oh, so you're a vet's kid? You must be an animal person. Nope. Nada. Nooooo thank you. And cats? Only worth anything if they catch mice... I don't know if I would've been able to sit through that conversation.

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  31. obviously i was behind on my blogroll, or else i would have KNOWN you were coming to my hood. thank the sweet lord for the 'gram. and thank that same sweet lord for you. and ice cream. and theo's addiction to it.

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  32. HAHAHA! The "uh-plause uh-plause uh-plause" just KILLED me -- HILARIOUS!!! :-D
    I love that song AND Lady Gaga.... No judgement from over here. ;-) Love your blog. Keep it up, babe!

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