Thursday, September 6, 2012

woke up in a funk and went to Target

If you prefer the Sparknotes version of things ... see the title. That about covers it.

If not ... welcome to not-worthy-of-a-story-time.

I woke up in a really nasty mood. Julia and her selfish allergies are keeping us both from sleeping more than forty freaking five consecutive minutes at a time at night and I know I know I know spotty sleep just comes with the parenting territory but I'm just a little tiny bit tired and a lot a bit frustrated. Simon is going to spend way more time at the hospital than at home this weekend so I'm very preoccupied internally brooding and girding my loins for that bowlful of fun and I was passed by one too many too-spry-for-their-running-undies marathoner-sprinters on my 14 minute wog this morning and by the time I got home I was shocked not to see a rhinoceros staring back at me in the mirror.

The kids have recently (as in: today) learned how to bicker without speaking the English language and I stupidly trusted their 4 minutes of blessed silence while I drank my white chocolate creamer in peace only to find Julia putting a long enough moratorium on her Sebastian angst to generously feed him his third breakfast: a healthy portion of my new not cheap face potion. So I took the 45 painful minutes to get the kids dressed in their last semi-clean outfits, licked the grime off their faces, clipped Julia's signature fake flower into her bowlcut, and loaded them up in the semi for a selfish trip to my happy place.

I was only going to scope out and purchase every single kind of cough syrup to add to our little collection, take a tiny peek at the clothing, carefully avoid any aisles that might contain any sort of Dora or Diego alarm, and see if there were any new creamer flavors on clearance. But we all know that all Target trips start with the best of and the most innocent intentions. I convinced myself that I should probably try on a shimmery baseball tee because "it could definitely work as maternity" and it was "totally practical" for all those trendy things I do on the daily. Sebastian grabbed and started gnawing on a pair of black leggings that were "oh! in my size and if any non-maternity article of clothing was meant to double as bump-friendly it would totally be black leggings" even though my bottom half always has and always will look terrible in 99% lycra. And then the floral denim parted and the birds on the shirt dresses sang as I was helplessly drawn to these. I'm in that terrible 'nothing fits but I'm not quite ready to commit to my old maternity drobe' stage and the pull on denim with elastic waistband (yes, I believe those are just good old fashioned jeggings but I'm a marketing campaign's dream -- a big, fat sucker) sang to me. After a noisy and lengthy date with the kids and the family fitting room I decided that they would totally carry me through the new year and the fourth trimester of postpartum terror and bought a pair in both available colors and I will be in big trouble if they start launching those puppies in patterns and colors.

We rolled through the check-out line with my non-maternity maternities, three new kinds of syrup hopefuls, and guffawy accusations that I was lying about the kids' ages. The cashier all but refused to believe that Sebastian was not a hearty two year old and that Julia was not in Kindergarten. Fair enough assessments but I'm kind of surprised she wasn't more convinced when Julia's only answer to her multitude of loud and enunciated questions was a blank look, a nuzzle with her blanket, and a barely audible, "sanks" as we finally escaped her lofty predictions about Sebastian's future on the football field.

What does it all mean? Where does that leave us?

Nothing and nowhere exotic ... just perched at my parenting post with the help of a lot of elastic.
pull it together, Bash. Football players laugh in the face of one shoe on uneven terrain.



 And as for those less important purchases ...
(not pictured: a teaspoon of honey that was promptly rejected and laid to rest in a nest in the patient's hair at some ungodly hour of yesternightmornwhatev)

... before you roll your eyes at my pathetic desperation please know that the the homeopathic wonder I got down her hatch before naps was worth every penny because Julia is taking the first 2+ hour cough-free nap of the week as I type type type type this out for you and I might just cry tears of sheer happiness after I do a jig in my jegs in the street. Although it probably would've been a lot less expensive to just pay our deductible and have her entire head removed and replaced. But I guess we'll never know.

29 comments:

  1. Second one from the left? That's the one we've been happy with....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Are those really elastic waistband jeans?? I may have to take a jaunt to our target tomorrow to add to my post-partum collection aka more maternity clothes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh man. i think i need those pants. i'm in the postpartum scary and have complained enough to my husband/family CFO that i am certain he will sign off on a purchase such as this...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Which one was it that worked again? I will faithfully follow the road to the happy place of Target this evening...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my! If you need help Saturday evening let us know, there are 2 teenage girls here who can come entertain those two cutie pies.
    Teresa

    ReplyDelete
  6. I second Mandy S. (Second from left.) Worked wonders for Piper. Is that the one that worked for you? Also: You suck, skinny. You look super for not getting enough sleep + being 20 weeks pregs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am probably going to be buying those jeans. Denim + elastic = be still my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I swear by Mucinex Cold and Cough. But that's just me. Also, a healthy dose of Vicks Vapor Rub (which I think you mentioned before) and a cool mist humidifier. And a noise blocker machine for me. Because I am a light sleeper and I hear every.single.cough. I have, in desperation, BEGGED for prescription cough medicine from my pediatrician, which I save stingily for the worst nights. There is something in there that makes them sleep. Ooooo - maybe give her some Benadryl WITH the cough meds? I hope you get some sleep tonight!

    ReplyDelete
  9. I was just there looking for jegs. Must go back. That's where Ellen and I go to get out of the house. Other moms I know like to take their kids to the park and the library. What kind of real world experience are they getting at those places. Psh. My kid understands the exchange of non-possessed monies for unneeded Target goodies.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's refreshing to see I'm not the only mom who feels Target is quite the learning experience for a little one. I mean, they have colors there, shapes, letters, books, toys.. it's pretty much a Goddard school! Plus, equally-if-not-more important, children are (mostly) safely installed in the cart, whereas those parks have all SORTS of hidden and not-hidden dangers. Irresponsibly parenting.
      sigh. if only. :)

      Delete
  10. Let's all pretend there is a question mark in there.

    ReplyDelete
  11. JUST saw this quote on Wastemytime-book: "Smile today, tomorrow could be worse." :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ah! I still can't see your email -- super weird! I need to update those directions to go with the new fancy schmancy dashboard anyway.

      Delete
    2. thaaat's because i lied (by accident). NOW it's there. i'm kind of pretty sure about that.. it's on my page SOMEWHERE :) i seriously only have an account just to comment on your blog, so i'm definitely not up to speed on the deets!

      Delete
  12. "Wog"! It's my new favorite word!!! Oh, and please move to Asheville so that we can hang out at Target together! Lol!

    ReplyDelete
  13. You probably already know this, but ever time my kids cough, I SLATHER the bottoms of their feet with Vicks, but sock on them, and enjoy my beauty sleep. I have no idea why it works when it is on their feet, but it does!

    ReplyDelete
  14. oh target, so hard to resist. i may have been there tonight and purchased two pairs of shoes. maaaybe. i was also there last week and they now have colored corduroy skinnies! (i had too). don't even get me started on their v-necks, i'm addicted. hope julia starts to feel better! "pull it together, bash" has me cracking up! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Well, NOW I have to make a Target run tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Well, it's official, we come from the same school of maternity clothes shopping. We don't have targets up here in Canada, and I live so far from civilization that even if we did it'd take half the day to load up the kids and get there. But I'm going to live vicariously through you instead of dying with envy!

    Really hope little Julia the kindergartner gets some good sleep tonight for you!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I know it sounds totally whack, but have you ever tried rubbing a layer of Vicks Vapo-rub on the soles of the coughing victim's feet and covering them with socks right before bed? I got the tip from a veteran mom and I've been doing it for several years after a particularly bad bout with bronchitis. Every single medicine, short of straight up narcotics, crapped out on me and I was desperate. It works - I don't know how, but it does! I do it all the time now, and I even have my hubby recommending it to his patients. Yes, it does make him sound like some kind of hillbilly shaman ("you just mix up a poultice . . .") but who cares? If it can get your precious hacking darling to sleep comfortably he'd be willing to sound like a witch doctor. For really intense coughing, I'll usually double up and do the cough meds and the Vicks rub down. And I just rub whatever is left over on my fingers on their chest. Makes them smell like they living in a nursing home, but whatever works. Good luck!

    PS: I can never leave target without spending at least $65. Near occasion of sin all the stinkin' time.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Excuse the extra bad grammar/typos in my comment -- just re-read it now and I am blaming the baby in my lap for that debacle. :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh God I am dyyyyyyyyyyyyyying of the laugh. My trips to Target are always for expensive and practical things (toilet paper, pet food - super expensive if you have three dogs and four cats - various toiletries and pharmaceutical items) so I always expect to spend a lot of money. BUT. I probably wouldn't spend nearly so much if I didn't check out the baby clothes and the bargain bin DVDs every time I went. And the clearance endcaps. Eeek. Still, it is rather shocking/traumatizing to leave a store with $100-plus of TOTALLY NECESSARY THINGS, none of which CAN ACTUALLY BE EATEN BY HUMANS. Hence why I don't feel guilty about buying The Bodyguard for $5. As an example.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I couldn't stand this - too funny and too much like my Target excursions. That place just sucks you in and makes you buy things you absolutely did not know you did not need but bought anyway. Hub always says "WHAT did you buy?? I thought you only went for toothpaste" (or whatever) when we get back from there. So sorry for the coughs and lack of sleep. Hope everyone gets well and gets rest!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I had to laugh because I used to partake regularly in Target-therapy (when I lived in the same country as a Target...) When life got too much, a quick browse through the clearance racks followed by a cherry coke from the snack stand and maaaybe some of those Pizza Hut bread sticks if I was desperate, and life is good.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Saw an ecard on Pinterest that said "I went to Target but couldn't find anything I wanted" said No Woman Ever

    ReplyDelete

If you have a question I'll always answer here in the comment thread so pretty please check back!! And if you're having trouble commenting - I'm so sorry! Please feel free to drop me a line over on the Facebook page or send me a quick email OR I'm a total Gram rat if you want to catch me over there. All uncharitable comments are always deleted and eventually forgiven, thank you so very much!!