While holding up an admittedly not adorable dress I thrifted for her recently ...
Julia: What dress is this?
Simon: That's the dress you wear when you don't want to make any friends
Noting my good mood and the new living room color the morning he came home from call Simon said, "ah - I see you painted the walls with Prozac."
After he retired into just shirt and boxers to lounge around the house after dinner and before I could say anything Simon said, "Don't give me that look. These are a man's yoga pants."
After I made acorn squash soup for dinner I found that someone had Googled, "acorn squash soup - edible?"
When I reported that Julia had dropped a really bad word bomb at the park, Simon said, "well it is called the mother tongue for a reason."
In the middle of yet another Julia-Sebastian-fight-from-yell-hell, Simon said, "I guarantee cats and dogs say, 'they fight like Julias and Sebastians!!' "
After a picture frame fell down in the middle of a night that Simon was at work and I was sure an intruder was finally going to kill me (until I got brave enough to go find said fallen frame), Simon said, "well your only hope for sleep now involves massive quantities of vodka and Ambien."
When he discovered that I'd purchased pumpkin seed tortilla chips instead of just ye old boring tortilla chips Simon (loudly) said, "expletive expletive EXPLETIVE expletive. More expletives. And a few more expletives."
After asking him a question that he didn't know the answer to he very seriously responded, "can't you just ask Tweeter?"
When Julia caught him eating some chocolate ...
Julia: what are you eating?