Simon Says

10 December 2013


While holding up an admittedly not adorable dress I thrifted for her recently ...
Julia: What dress is this?
Simon: That's the dress you wear when you don't want to make any friends

Noting my good mood and the new living room color the morning he came home from call Simon said, "ah - I see you painted the walls with Prozac."

After he retired into just shirt and boxers to lounge around the house after dinner and before I could say anything Simon said, "Don't give me that look. These are a man's yoga pants."

After I made acorn squash soup for dinner I found that someone had Googled, "acorn squash soup - edible?"

When I reported that Julia had dropped a really bad word bomb at the park, Simon said, "well it is called the mother tongue for a reason."

In the middle of yet another Julia-Sebastian-fight-from-yell-hell, Simon said, "I guarantee cats and dogs say, 'they fight like Julias and Sebastians!!' "

After a picture frame fell down in the middle of a night that Simon was at work and I was sure an intruder was finally going to kill me (until I got brave enough to go find said fallen frame), Simon said, "well your only hope for sleep now involves massive quantities of vodka and Ambien."

When he discovered that I'd purchased pumpkin seed tortilla chips instead of just ye old boring tortilla chips Simon (loudly) said, "expletive expletive EXPLETIVE expletive. More expletives. And a few more expletives."

(oops)

After asking him a question that he didn't know the answer to he very seriously responded, "can't you just ask Tweeter?"

When Julia caught him eating some chocolate ...
Julia: what are you eating?
Simon: poop


33 comments:

  1. The chocolate/poop one is my favorite. I may or may not lie about the deliciousness I am eating whenever I don't want to share with any children in the vicinity as well...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Two things: I did an actual fist pump when I saw it was a Simon Says post. I got aggravated that the dog wanted to go out right in the middle of the post. Thank you, Dr. Patton for your sarcasm! And thank you Mrs. Dr. Patton for sharing it with the world!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Simon's reaction to the pumpkin seed tortilla chips closely resembled my husband's reaction to the organic milk I bought...

    ReplyDelete
  4. always, always great. Poop is my future excuse when Lukas gets big enough to want a bite of my chocolate. Greatness!

    ReplyDelete
  5. The yoga pants!!! My husband would totally agree with that statement. And I LOVE those pumpkin seed tortilla chips!

    ReplyDelete
  6. The poop excuse is a favorite of my husbands, and my three year old loved it around halloween time when they passed out candy at preschool and Ace said "oh yay poop". Great great and more great! Oh and the yoga pants comment, priceless!!! Is he this funny with patients? Please say yes!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just love it when Simon is home long enough for there to be a Simon says. I bet you do too!

    ReplyDelete
  8. It's been too long! Whenever I read a Simon Says post I think back to one of the earliest ones where he asked if he looked like Kim Kardashian. That post sealed my addiction to your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  9. YESSSSS!!!I love Simon Says! I always L O L.

    ReplyDelete
  10. poop. too funny. I hope j wouldn't actually believe him like my boy would, and then he probably would eat real poop thinking it was for sure ok.

    ReplyDelete
  11. LOL! I'm having a hard time deciding which I like more, Julia's or Simon's... You know, "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" so... ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hahahaha, I was seriously laughing out loud during this. Your husband cracks me up!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I straight up guffawed for 3-5 minutes following the man's yoga pants comment. And that was post a 38 week OB exam, so…thank you, Simon Patton.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. awwwwwkward, this is Jenny. Hillary's been trolling my computer today.

      Delete
  14. I'm reading this In the airport right now and people are giving me weird looks because I can't stop laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You guys sound like our kind of fun. How are those pumpkin tortilla chips? I saw them at Costco the other day and couldn't decide. Good of you to fess up to the language at the park. Our daughter said, "Oh SHIT light, turn GREEN." The baby was screaming so... yeah. That's what I was thinking. I couldn't bring myself to tell Philip. Until now. I just told him. But I told him Julia repeats things Grace says too, so thanks for that :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. That would be Chris' exact reaction to pumpkin seed tortilla chips.

    ReplyDelete
  17. I immediately thought of you this week as I was jotting down some of my husband's quotes to put together a Stuff My Husband Says post. Thanks for continuing inspiration!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh my gosh I am studying for finals and I totally needed to read this. Omg so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  19. hahha Simon is hilarious! I love these posts! :) What a Dad!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh how I have missed these posts. They always make my day. The "man yoga pants" could not be more true. LOL! so funny. Thanks for sharing your hubby's wit with us once more.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Brilliant. This has cheered me up! Simon is so funny.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Love Simon Says posts! The poop comment had me LOL, my husband & I are always trying to sneak chocolate so we don't have to share with the kids.

    ReplyDelete
  23. OMG I love him. He is so hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  24. "Can't you just ask Tweeter?" HAHAHA. He should feel honored that you chose to ask him before the social networks. There IS a hierarchy and if he's still at the top he clearly doesn't know how good he has it.

    ReplyDelete
  25. It's been way too long since one of these! My husband saw this as a post on Facebook and actually came over to Camp Patton to read it, and then read it out loud to me—marking the first time in his entire life he's ever 1) voluntarily clicked on a mommy blog and 2) deemed any blog post worthy of being read aloud. That pretty much tells you everything!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Sometimes I show these to Mike and he gets jealous that Simon is so funny. I think he is an unspoken competition.

    ReplyDelete
  27. So great. Love your blog! I will be using the poop trick in the future ;)

    ReplyDelete

 

Camp Patton © All rights reserved · Theme by Blog Milk · Blogger