you can't have the sweet without the sour and other stupid idioms

10 September 2013

Doesn't it seem like they come in handy when you're in kind of a crap situation ... "you're barking up the wrong tree" or "a leopard can't change his spots" or "no use crying over spilled milk" blah blah blah. Basically I need to be more circumspect. Last night after I'd gotten us all ready to go visit Simon and we were in the car and pulling out of the driveway .... there was a crash c-section that Simon had to do and I know that's his job and that's the point of him being there and as one disgruntled reader put it once, "he's helping the sick and dying" (welllllll .... a bit of a stretch but .... fine) I still had a really tough time trying to hoist the giant baditude off my back. Even Julia told me she was "having a bad moon" when I told her we had to wait because apparently rosy dispositions are hereditary. I opted for the park because I had about zero other options. I walked Theo around in the stroller while the older two did what they do (Julia stares at the kids and Sebastian goes and talks to strangers in syllables while they stare at him ... circle of little life and all dat)

my little social butterfly. and do you see that pirate doll? she left it at the park and after everyone was carseated in she remembered and we had to go retrieve it ...... four frantic minutes shaved right off my life.

... hmmmm and WHY were all of the other parents looking at me and looking back at me again and again? Had they never seen an unkempt mom + children out in public?!

Of course. The zipper on my shorts? Wide open.

I didn't even bother being discreet in zipping it back up because at that point I think the kids could've asked for 44 oz caffeinated sugar waters and I would've said, "sure!" because holy long ass of a day.

Anyway, we eventually got to see him and have a nice visit and had Grace from earlier just seen the light of the future ... maybe she wouldn't have acted like the apocalypse was imminent at the beginning of the night. Maybe not.

And! Julia had her first accident-free outing. And it was a long outing. We did have to throw her on the nice and low handicapped toilet three times over the course of three minutes but still .... she "did NOT pee on Dora's face" so ..... silver lining? Totally. Absolutely.


Unfortunately, last night was an absolute dream compared to how tonight went down but we're going to water under bridge that shit and hope that third time's a charm tomorrow. Told you ... leopards and their spots.

Next month of night float I'm not blogging once. I promise. No one should be subjected to this kind of sunshine. I'm sorry.

Let's shift gears to Theodore Patton and his mother's cellular device. Theo sometimes wakes up circa 3 or 4 in the am ready for THE DAY. Happy, chirping, insane, grabby. Sometimes I'll indulge him and play with him and rock him back to sleep (I'm a sucker and I know it and I'm clapping my hands, I promise) but last week I was not having it. I vaguely remember giving him my phone to play with and going back to bed but I was mostly sleep walking through the motions as you do in the mom life on occasion.

Theo is 8 months old and has the dexterity of a drunken sailor just so you don't think this is flashing lights and mom brags. I was mostly just shocked that he unlocked the phone in the first place ...

The first night he hit up the Twitter ...


The second night he Facebook friend requested a Megan Andrews on my behalf. So ... I highly doubt there is a Megan Andrews that reads this blog but know that I am not creeper mcCreepy but that Theo is.

The next day he went ahead and threw up an inaugural status update for me ....



And the next night he took and pinned a photo of the attic ceiling onto my baked goods board.



I've since started giving him an age-appropriate teething toy to aid his insomnia.

And in the event of any sort of smartphone sibling Olympics .... this is what his competition looks like ...

200 more photos exactly like this and I'm walking and grimacing [cropped, you're welcome] in every single one. Julia's handiwork.

And this is from last year but this is the best work I've seen from Sebastian who was toddling around with my phone when he landed on this upstanding individuals gram account ...



 So I think it's safe to assume that Theo will probably crush them.


without a doubt.

d. x.r f kjdfneuwefhfbsadkjajknwe83 $



:)


73 comments:

  1. that looks like something I would pin. on purpose;)

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  2. i was laughing out loud by the end of your post.

    my goodness, i'm a big fan of yours. (:

    good luck tomorrow!

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  3. I saw that FB update and meant to ask you what, specifically, had you feeling so safe. Also, I'm sad I missed that tweet.

    He's a tech savant. Next Steve Jobs!

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  4. Come here next night float! Theo can teach Jack how to update our blog in the wee hours.

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  5. With so much sympathy, I'm dying at "Grace Patton WAS feeling safe."

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  6. Ok laughed out loud at this post, then showed fellow office worker who also laughed out loud, then followed your twitter because Theo is a natural comedian and that was just too funny! Points for creativity on Theo's part on the ceiling pic, the kid has skills!

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  7. Hmm... I was a little suspicious of the "feeling safe" status but I though, oh what do I know? Bless Theo. Just wait until they discover Instagram and the world of selfies... My niece (5) recorded herself singing on Sunday and posted it. She also sends nonsensical messages all the time.

    Also your kids are getting so big! And I love Julia's boots.

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  8. she "did NOT pee on Dora's face"
    lol
    Oh, how have I lived this long without your blog?

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  9. This to shall pass ;p Its a good thing he's cute ;D sorry, I could not resist mentioning my favourite idioms. :0)

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  10. Sorry you are having a tough time of it this float. But I'm glad to see you've kept your sense of humor and your kids, as usual, never disappoint! Hang in there Grace. The light, the tunnel and all that jazz.

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  11. Oooooooooh myyyyyyy goodness. Thank you for turning around what was looking like a terrible day. Theo's posts are beyond hilarious.

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  12. this is hilarious. the nighttimes? they probably SUUUUUUUUUCK but the blog material?! rich. i saw theo's tweet. i almost tweeted him back. fist pump, theo!

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  13. Thanks for your honesty. The past 24hrs have been craziness with me and 3 beautiful girls. I know we're supposed to find joy in our children but sometimes I think my joy would come from running away screaming! :)

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  14. Crying laughing, as always! Theo is an iPhone master.

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  15. I am SO sorry for the loooooong days. I don't even have night float to deal with at all, and I still find myself getting pretty post-apocalyptic by the end of some days. Suddenly, I'm snapping at people (and the dog) as though they're trying to take the last of my dwindling food supply. (Note: Actually watching post-apocalyptic themed television shows in this state doesn't help.)

    Theo is better at social media than I am. looks like mad skills are also genetic. Here's hoping things get better (or at least, notworse).

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  16. Thanks for a laugh-out-loud post.

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  17. Yay for some real potty progress; still waiting for some of that around here.
    Damn: that is some very impressive iPhone skillz. I predict blogging at 3 and web design at 5.

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  18. OK...you cannot stop blogging the reality of life. you just can't. Yes this month will totally suck the life force out of you but you have all of us to cheer you up and make you smile. I mean come on, Julia did not pee on Dora's face!!! That is AWESOME!! And she used the toilet unlike my son who at four dropped trow at the park and peed on a tree. THAT was a winning Mom moment, let me tell you.

    SO hang in there GP!! You can do it. Besides there is jelly and eggs to ease your suffering.

    Hugs from VA!!

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  19. Hip, hip hooray for Julia! Oh happy moment. Surrounded by a whole bunch of really rotten ones, but what a great post! Thanks for making my morning.

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  20. I hope you find some semblance of comfort in knowing that your long hard day absolutely CRACKED ME UP.

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  21. oh, this made me laugh. thanks for the smiles this morning! (not the awful day you had, but the way you tell it and share your kids' social media capabilities.)

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  22. Trying so very hard not to laugh out loud with a newborn who just fell asleep next to me... but ohmygoodness. The technological prowess of your 8 month old is just impressive. And please keep writing. It's just so funny. Sending lots of love and patience from SC. My husband is in the Navy on rotating shift work, so I totally hear you: night shift bites ass.

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  23. I <3 goodweed$$$$$badbitches too so Bash and I can be buds. DYING!!

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  24. I thought I saw a Theo tweet at some point. It is quite impressive that he manages to unlock the phone. And the people were looking at you and then the kids trying to determine if you were the nanny or not, because you can't possibly look so good and have 3 tiny children. (That's what I would tell myself, anyway)

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  25. Tears. I had tears laughing at Theo's posts. He has some crazy skills! How did he manage all that? Also, what sort of emoti = feeling safe? That killed me. You and your ways, Facebook.

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  26. I needed this good laugh. Ell is boycotting sleep completely lately. And I'm standing in the kitchen in my jams already on 36 oz of mountain dew and unable to move. Imma gonna go read it again, hahahaha.

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  27. So I know it's not great to hope for more honest blog posts like these because it's not all about me and a blogger such as yourself cheering me up...but...

    I have a 3 year autistic daughter who has spent the past 5 days crying and whining and melting down. This makes me wish I was on night floats. Almost.

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  28. oh my goodness. what.a.day.

    Perhaps Theo can teach Lily to Facetime at 3 or 4AM? Because now I know there is another little person alive and ready to face the day at that blasted hour...

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  29. Grace, sometimes I have to tea your posts twice just so I can laugh twice as much. Thank you for being a real mom and finding the laughter in life. It helps me find the laughter in those "not so funny" kid situations!

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  30. I know these night floats are beyond horrible, but your take on it has me laughing every time. Way to find the humor in a bad, seemingly endless, awful. So please don't "promise" not to write about it anymore! And you're way nicer than me in letting the kids even touch your phone. I'm a bit possessive in that area...!

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  31. okay..here goes my thoughts. If we equate suffering with love, and we know that suffering is not in vain (you will benefit from it or someone else will) then please know that the night float suffering benefits everyone who reads this blog, because night float Grace is HILARIOUS! Hang in there!

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  32. wow, i am laughing out loud at work. Theo is amazing at social media!

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  33. Ha! I love how into social media Theo is already! ;)

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  34. I read this very early this morning. I laughed so hard. Theo can do more with social media than I can. I don't wish hard days and sleepless nights on you, but I appreciate you translating them into uplifting humor.

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  35. hahaha i love this one...you forgot the facebook post that said "c g" :)

    Miss you and you're my hero for getting through these night floats!

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  36. I'm laughing so hard. Can you do a new series solely dedicated to Theo's social networking skills???

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  37. I'm laughing so hard. Can you do a new series solely dedicated to Theo's social networking skills???

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  38. No phone calls to China? Well, he can't talk yet so I guess that makes sense. :) TOO FUNNY. I feel kind of bad laughing at your expense. Just know that I only laughed at the cell phone part.

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  39. Oh my goodness, the iPhone usage is hilarious! Esp. Theo's tweet. How do kids do it? Once my toddler called my boss- I triple check my phone now if I find her playing with it.
    And- loved the post!

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  40. I thought the funniest status update was that you were feeling safe.

    Is Julia potty trained now? I'm working with my three year old right now, and he's just totally not into it.

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  41. Oh, that Theo is hilarious! I never let my toddlers touch my phone, for fear of what they'll do with it. But now I'm thinking it might be kind of fun to see what they come up with.

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  42. "Simon Says"
    "Conversations with Julia"
    "Tweets with Theo"
    "Bash's Bashes"

    Is MeetUp popular in STL? Maybe that could be a nice way to meet other families and chit chat at the park. At the very least they would be on zipper patrol. :)

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  43. Laughing tears. Thanks for the pick me up. I added a password lock on my iphone because of baby facebook commenters. My oldest once commented "BANG." under an acquaintance asking about baby stuff.

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  44. You just totally made my afternoon...or should I say, Theo did. I think you should let him play with your phone always. My kids pretty much only did boring things like call my best friend in CA at 5 am CST b/c I didn't have a smart phone back then. Now, my 6 and 4 yo beg for my phone to take 10,000 pictures of the objects at their eye level and the occasional picture of me with my double-chin b/c I'm almost always looking down at something.

    Keep on posting during these floats - they remind me that I'm not the only one going crazy. ;)

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  45. you are the funniest person in the blogosphere.

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  46. Theo is obviously gifted. I can't even figure out my own cellphone without frequent assistance from someone under 25 and I'm not THAT old even though my kids keep threatening to get me a jitterbug. I've started describing myself as a stay-at-home-aunt because my kids are grown and (mostly) gone and I'm not married so I can't be a housewife and my disability hasn't been approved yet by Uncle Sam (even though my doctor says about the only profession I'm capable of doing is something that I can do laying down *wink wink* and he thinks even that would be difficult to do on a full time basis). So anyways... I'm a stay-at-home-aunt because I pick my nieces up from school once a week. I'd be glad to come be a counselor at Camp Patton during the next tough schedule but that would rob us of these little splashes of sunshine from an overwhelmed Grace. *hugs* Heather

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  47. This was SOOOOOO HILARIOUS I started Ling O L and CRYING at work! Thank you, Theo! And Simon and Grace and all Pattons!!!

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  48. Haha, I saw that photo go up on pinterest and was like what the...? But moments later I assumed your phone had been hijacked by one of the little Pattons.

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  49. Tears. From my eyes over "feeling safe"

    I don't know why, but wow that made me laugh so hard.

    Feeling safe, how is that even an option?? Oh theo, you are a keeper!

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  50. I just want to say I can relate to the first half of your post so much right now, even though our lives are totally different.
    So much.


    I can't relate to the second half, though, because my youngest (who is a cat) hasn't figured out my phone, thankfully. Or sadly, since technology-savvy cats seem to be MONEY these days.

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  51. Julia's "bad moon" and Theo's smart phone adventures totally made my night. My whole week, actually.

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  52. I'm pretty sure Marley & Julia are somehow related. My little angel loves to stare and stare and stare, not responding to anyone's attempts at conversation with her. That is until she gets home and argues with me about EVERYTHING. Does J do that? She is driving me absolutely nuts lately (the last 6 months??)...

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  53. hilarious! julia looks so adorable in her little dress & boots!

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  54. I actually LOL'd. I never LOL. Thanks Camp Patton!

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  55. Cried. Actual tears of laugh from that one!

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  56. That picture with the checkerboard floor...that's right outside my office...door on left. Small world! Found your blog from catholic magazine, love it!

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  57. This just gave me the best laughs! You are funnneee

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  58. This just gave me the best laughs! You are funnneee

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  59. Theo on your smartphone had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. The funniest. Too cute. Thanks for a Theo fix. Good to see you last week.

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  60. ^^AGREED! seriously. DYING over how hilarious and random all of that is. Theo da Genius

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  61. I am a Megan Andrews who reads your blog! And follow you on instagram! So no judgement from me if you want to stalk me right back. I don't think it was me though, because I deactivated my Facebook account a while ago and only reactivate from time to time to confirm people's birthdays. Theo is obviously gifted.

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  62. You might want to set up Guided Access on your phone (http://voice4uaac.com/tips/guided-access-ios6/). Until my husband had found out about it, my camera roll was full of pictures of our two year old son's forehead, cryptic statuses, and unfinished emails that he made. It has also kept me from banning our nine year old daughter from iDevices in the car because she can't resist tapping ads or the home button.

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  63. Omg I just cried I was laughing so hard

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  64. I adore your blog...laughing so hard right now!!

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  65. My husband always asks me, what are you laughing at, that funny blog you read? Hahaha I'm making him read this, about the iPhone baby posts. Soooooo funny.

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  66. There are tears, you are so funny! And Hooray for accident free outing, that is awesome.

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  67. Ok. I always smirk, smile, chuckle when reading your posts. But can I just say, this one should have had a warning on it. I think I woke my kids up.

    Freak frack hilarious.

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  68. I seriously can't remember the last time i laughed so hard!!!! Thanks Theo, you made me forget that i'm having this horrible 1st trimester sickness :')

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  69. Please don't stop blogging through the bad stuff! Your bad stuff makes me realize my bad stuff is not so bad and if I'm feeling really grumpy...well, it's nice that there is someone out there who KNOWS WHAT LONG DAYS ARE. You give me hope.

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  70. This made me laugh out loud. I love your blog and your adorable, hilarious kids!

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