After stepping on a toy that the kids had left on the ground ...
Simon: curses curses curses
Grace: what did you step on?
Simon: it doesn't matter but it felt like a shark tooth.
After getting home from work and seeing that Julia was wearing a form fitting grey ribbed tank top Simon said, "did your mom make you wear your brother beater today, Julia?"
After seeing me anoint myself and Phoebe with lavender oil to help us sleep Simon stared, rolled his eyes, and offered, "or you could just turn off the baby monitor."
When talking about his future in female pelvic medicine and vaginal surgery Simon instructed, "in mixed company let's just say I fix leaky bladders."
After reading the synopsis of the book I'm reading Simon said, "another one of those 'troubled marriage lit' books you love so much, I see."
While looking at his 4th of July Instagram of the kids and its three lonely likes a few minutes after posting Simon confessed, "I guess I just assumed a snap like that would go viral immediately."
And recycling a cleaner version from Twitter ... Simon took the kids to the park, dealt with a diaper situation, and reported via text, "there's a tiger dad running soccer drills with his son and I'm like well my son crapped himself."