the almost proficient parent.

Here's the thing about parenting - the second you get a little bit cocky you better be hungry for some humble pie, size extra huge because your kids are going to smell that chin of yours that you're holding so high and they are going to grab it and squeeze it and bring it crashing duh-hown to the ground. If you don't know what I'm talking about ... congratulations! Your kids are better than my kids and would you like to trade broods next Tuesday? because I'm tired.

Welllll I wouldn't say that I was getting cocky .. because hello this entire blog filled to the brim with toddler shenans and big fat parenting flops and I should probably go an entire half day without texting Simon, "these kids want me dead" before I start getting my confidence britches cleaned at the fancy dry cleaners. But this morning I realized we were in a bad way as far as the wipe supply goes and so of course that means ... Costco run.

If you're wondering why in the hellllll I go to Costco so much - wonder no more!! It's because of the big carts that can comfortably fit all three chickens. It's because of the generous samples that entertain 2/3 of the cluckers. And of course ... we drink a lot of almond milk, Theo needs his powder to survive, the kids go through a lot of diapers, and we eat a lot of bananas and avocados and yogurt and frozen fruit. I don't buy everything every week but it's a nice outing and had my former self known I would've ever called a Costco safari a "nice outing" she would've flared her nostrils and said .... "you lie."

So, Costco run. We've been doing it forever and last week we even dined in so really ... ain't no thang. Until we walked in the sliding doors and just as Julia was waving us in with my Costco card that is covered in bite marks that she babysits until we check out and Sebastian followed suit with his empty gift card (he stopped falling for the "and this crumpled up receipt is YOUR Costco card, Bash" trick today ... I expect facial hair tomorrow because these kids and their growing up!) when a kind man came running up behind me all out of breath, "Miss!! you left all of your van doors open .."

Cue silent curses and an awkward laugh and red cheeks as everyone turned to look at the idiot that left NO door unopened and a speed walk back out to the far corner of the lot where I parked but hey! hood and trunk were shut so .... points for a rainy day.

It was a mostly uneventful trip except for the mom that came over to tell me in a LOUD (close - toooooo close, sistermom) whisper lest the elderly couple 9 yards down would hear that, "they're giving out diaper samples - they might even give you two if you ask nicely" and when Sebastian went into a weird pizza comatose state ...

and Julia begged and begged overandoverandoverandover again to go in the "coldy-cakes" room even after we'd made two laps because apparently I keep the kids lives just exciting enough that a freezing room full of produce can be likened to the thrill of a coaster ... roller style. Fine, I'm a thrill seeker too, Little J.

And Theo - the baby that smiles so big and so hard that you can practically hear it from the next room - was crying the saddest + biggest + loudest tears as we walked out because the cashier jostled the cart on accident and Theo's first words just might be, "PTSD - Costco cart jostle - July 30" because I've never seen him so MAD/SAD/SAD.

Ah! and Julia learned a new trick ... the fake sleep.

Not even Bully Bash could get her to break character which is basically a miracle if you've seen them wrastle. It's bad. I know my standards for humor are pretty low these days but I couldn't help but bust out a little smile crack.

Today is the second day of Simon's nice rotation (the crowd roars) so we stopped and ate with him where Bash ate cement by way of a serious trip and Julia picked an illegal amount of planted flowers before we noticed. And Theo stared off into the abyss because he always knows when the older two are putting on enough of a show. He likes his stage to be quiet and lonely so that he might glean every and all attention from his guardians.

So what's the problem? What's the big complaint?

Oh, nothing earth shattering. No. I pulled into the driveway and you know that deeeeeeep breath you take before you have to get kids out of car seats and herd them inside while somehow propping the front door open and sprinting the groceries inside before one of the toddlers escapes down the driveway to the Never Never Land that is the neighbor's ginorm yard? It should be cleansing and charging ... you know? Well today it was pungent. And not just, "oh, there's a diaper that should be put on the priority list" pungent no .... it was more than that, it was more like two priority diapers pungent with a kick. And once I got my crew inside I discovered that the "kick" was actually the missing piece of a trifecta of pungent golden tickets just begging to be unwrapped. Three bombs all secretly set to blow at the same time. Those little shits - fig and lit.

And maybe some people are subconsciously sending their eyes sailing north because doesn't that Grace ever have a good day? Well, yes. She does! Sunday was a good day because Simon and I both got almost three hours of sleep despite the fact that she was manning the homestead and Simon was at work. And even though she woke up thinking, "it's a beautiful day outside and I bet it's going to be crazy at the zoo ... definitely a place to avoid" the Pattons totally ended up at the zoo even after we had to collapse our chariot to get in. It was a good day and today wasn't a bad day. It was a challenging day. Every day is really challenging around here and I know it will be a long time before an entire day passes that one of the kids doesn't do something to shock and exasperate me but that doesn't mean it has to be a bad day. I mean, it's only 4:27 and the smoke alarm battery is dying and beeping and might wake up one of the kids before they are ready to wake up and I'll have dragon breaths and dragon moods to deal with so "bad" is still definitely up for grabs. But! it will probably be okay. Bombs and all.

I told you ... loner + his stage.