Felipe

16 September 2016


San Felipe de Neri Parish in Albuquerque where Simon and I were married a little over seven years ago

{pronounced: fell-ee-pay, as opposed to: fell-eep aka the horse from Beauty and the Beast}

I keep going back and forth and back and forth AND back and forth about sharing this. I've written and promptly deleted scads of posts and I know I ramble on about a lot of things but rarely get deeply personal but am making an exception today. I might regret it but if this helps even one mom feel a little bit less alone during the dark period following a miscarriage, the vulnerability is completely worth it.

Throughout my last few pregnancies I've all but begged Simon to agree to name the baby (if it's a boy) Felipe. I just love the name and the tie to the beginning of our marriage. But, he's held firm, "Felipe Patton?! A blonde Felipe?!" and I GUESS he's had a point. Until now.

I recently miscarried Patton baby #6, whom we named Felipe and while we know that as parents our primary goal is to get our children to heaven and that's exactly where the baby is -- it's still been unpredictably difficult for me. The night we spent in the hospital after finding out that we would not be welcoming a new baby in early February like we had so joyfully anticipated was emotionally and physically painful but not the dramatic tear fest that I might've imagined. I'm not sure if my grief was buried under deep layers of denial or my emotional response was just delayed but the sadness settled in the weeks following the miscarriage.

I'm definitely coming out of the fog but there are still grief triggers that take me by surprise that I'm learning to cope with and know that the grieving process can be a long one. I'm oddly thankful for the sadness because while I always sympathized with moms that had lost babies - I can now empathize so much better and keep them close in my daily prayers. I hate that it took a miscarriage of my own to do so but I'm grateful for that silver lining.

I've found comfort in reading more about St. Philip and his big heart (an autopsy found two broken ribs after his death - attributed to the physical expansion of his heart) and want to plaster his quotes all over our house because he seemed so encouraging and joyful. One of my favorites: "a cheerful heart is more easily made perfect than a downcast one."

I hope I don't come off as selfish for being so sad about losing a 6th baby when we have five very healthy kids here on earth. Simon and I are so grateful for our children and we love them so much and couldn't wait to learn all about this next little one's fun and undoubtedly feisty personality. We've seen firsthand that little babies grow into wild, crazy, and wonderful kids but that wasn't God's will this time around and while difficult, we have accepted that reality.

I'll close with another favorite Felipe quote that I've found myself repeating over and over to myself on especially trying days, "Let me get through today, and I shall not fear tomorrow."

Thank you for reading and always being so kind to me and my family!

San Felipe de Neri, pray for us (and say hi to our sweet little baby in heaven!)

183 comments:

  1. Oh Grace, I am so sorry to hear this. Blessings to you and your family during this difficult time. You are a great mama, even to your little one in heaven.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss, Grace. Your family doesn't have the physical presence of this sweet soul, but that baby is still a part of your family, and always will be. Don't begrudge yourself any shred or expression of grief. It's just one more manifestation of your love for the little one.

    I'll be thinking of you all.

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  3. So sorry for your loss! Of course you're sad... not despite having 5 adorable kids already, but maybe because of... you know the joy this little one would have brought. Thanks for sharing this w/ us. I'm sure it will help other moms going through the same thing. It also enables us to pray for you guys. XO

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  4. what a sweet post. i'm so sorry for your loss! i'm not a mother myself (not because of lack of desire, but lack of a husband - and i'm not willing to compromise on that!), but i've seen two of my sisters go through miscarriages (one of them several times). they both have many happy healthy kids, but also still feel a loss for that precious little one. thank you for sharing. love and blessings to you and your family!

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  5. Grace I've never commented before (I read your posts and think you are hilarious) but this hits home to me. Last July I went to my 16 week appointment with my second pregnancy and the baby had no heartbeat. A few months later I was pregnant again and now have a two month old daughter. I still think about what could have been with that little one, and I'm sure we will think about our angel babies for the rest of our lives. I found the aftermath to be a roller coaster, I felt awkward in social situations for a while and also found that the grief reared its head unpredictably. All that to say, I know where you are coming from, and I pray the Lord's comfort for you and your family.

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  6. So sorry to hear about this. Thinking of you and your family. I love those quotes from San Felipe.

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  7. Grace, I am so sorry to hear this. Thinking of you and your family <3

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  8. This was such a beautiful post. I sympathize with you, having been there myself. Thank you for sharing. Many condolences and prayers your way.

    St. Felipe, pray for us.

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  9. I am so glad you wrote this post! We, too, have a beautiful, healthy, 18 month old little girl, but miscarried baby #2 in April. I think the hardest part of a miscarriage is that as soon as we find out we're pregnant, we start making the plans and thinking about the person that will be that next baby and the excitement just floods you. Then, to have all of that taken away in an instant is just so hard to cope with. Something that finally helped me was realizing that I have a baby forever in Heaven. Sounds silly, but it's comforting to think about having that one child that will always be a baby in Heaven waiting on us. You're a great mom and kudos for sharing something so hard. Praying for you!

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  10. My heart aches for you and your family. It doesn't matter how many living children you have, I am sure a loss is still difficult. This was so beautiful. And for the record, I *love* the name Felipe.

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  11. I'm so sorry to hear this. I know well the agonizing loss it is, and I'm so sorry for your pain. The grief still catches me out at odd times, even 10 years on. Your Felipe can join our Philip in heaven, praying for us.

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  12. Felipe is a strong and beautiful name, and I can see how his namesake is close to your heart. Thanks for trusting us with your baby's story.

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  13. Lovely post. It is definitely not a lovely topic in anyway, but I think you've expressed yourself beautifully and sometimes life is sad. Thank you for sharing and take care:) xx

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  14. Oh Grace, I am so sorry. But I am happy that you hit publish on this post. I know so many women will find comfort in your words. Keeping you and your beautiful family in my thoughts!

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  15. I'm praying for you right now. Every loss is tragic and so of course you are sad - that's your baby. I had my own miscarriage, and the silver lining of empathizing is definitely one I treasure. Thank you for being so open. xo

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  16. Your family is in my prayers Grace. Our first baby (in Heaven after we miscarried) would have been two this month. Like you, we named our baby, and that helped us grieve. We now have a 17 month old and as my sister once said to me, this perfect -for-us little girl would not be here if her sibling was not miscarried. Trust in God. Prayers.

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  17. I'm so sorry for your loss, no loss is less than another.Thank you for sharing, miscarriage is not talked about enough.

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  18. I'm sorry to hear about your loss! We are a few weeks from meeting our baby #6 but we have experienced 4 miscarriages between the healthy pregnancies. I don't feel it's selfish at all to grieve the loss of your child, whether you have a house full or an empty home. Every loss deserves to be mourned. I still wonder what life would have been like with each of those precious lives but the pain does lessen as time goes on. And your other 5 should help cheer you up!

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  19. Thank you for sharing, Grace! I'm so sorry. I had a miscarriage earlier this year so I know some of your pain. Will be praying for comfort and peace.

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  20. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have 3 healthy, wonderful kids, but whenever the due date comes around for the one I miscarried at 10 weeks, it still makes me ache a little. Thank you for sharing your life with us!

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  21. Oh I am so so sorry to hear this. Prayers for you and your family

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  22. My heart just breaks for you!! I too found myself in the same situation last week. We went in for our 12 week appointment and the heartbeat of our first sweet baby was gone, it was the worst day of my life. I was sent home with a final picture and a D&C appointment, I know we can try again but this was my sweet baby that I had already been making dreams and plans for. Hugs to you, five kids or no kids it still hurts the same.

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    1. I don't mean to pry, and I'm so terribly sorry for your heartbreak! If you have not had the D+C yet, can you check with your doctor that it's absolutely necessary? Anytime the uterine lining gets scraped with a sharp instrument it can leave scarring. If a future baby implants over that scar tissue it can lead to miscarriage. I'm so sorry you are going through this! May God comfort you during this painful time! ((Hugs))

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  23. So many hugs. I miscarried what would have been our second child--as well as possibly our fourth child although that one happened so early with unclear HPT results that we aren't 100% sure--and it is not easy. I am a Christian and prior to my miscarriage I was 100% life begins at conception. My miscarriage(s) have confused the daylights out of me thanks to my scientific background. I mostly try not to think about the specifics because what do I know anyway? In any case, the biggest of hugs. You are entitled to your grief regardless of the status of healthy children.

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  24. Oh Grace, I am so so sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!

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  25. Thank you for posting this! I am so sorry for your loss.

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  26. Thank you for sharing this post...I've never commented before (even though you make me smile on the daily), but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I had a miscarriage between my two beautiful daughters, and always wish that it was discussed more openly. I'm so very sorry for your loss. It doesn't matter how many children you have, each baby is a blessing and always loved, and will be grieved if it is miscarried. Keeping your family in my thoughts.

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  27. Thank you for sharing this. I've never commented before (even though you make me smile on the daily), but I appreciate your openness. I am so very sorry for your loss. Every baby, no matter how many children you have, is a blessing and so very loved, and if for some reason it is miscarried, it must be grieved. I had a miscarriage in between my two daughters, and while the sadness went away, I still think about that little baby. Keeping your family in my thoughts.

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  28. Grace, I am so glad you posted this. My family is very similar to yours... we are Catholic and have five kids ages 6, 6, 4, 3, 18 months. All eighteen months apart, so not quite as close as your kids are. I was due in January with baby #6 but miscarried at twelve weeks. We had already told some people and had to un-tell them. It was my first miscarriage and it totally sucked. I think January will be hard when I don't have the newborn I thought I'd be holding. Hugs to you, I know just how you feel. xo

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  29. I'm so sorry, Grace. Each child is a unique little soul and a blessing—-no matter how many you have. I will keep all of you in my prayers.

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  30. Grace, thank you for this blessing of a post. I'm not sure if I've ever commented on your blog, but I have been a loooooong time reader, and often laugh until my abs hurt reading your posts. In fact, I busted out laughing at the pronunciation guide at the beginning of this post, b/c well, hilarious. Anyway, I just love that you are unashamedly Catholic, and you and Simon live out your vocation so well and as such great witnesses to this world. I am in the camp of "sympathetic but never having experienced a miscarriage" myself, and I can only offer my prayers and love to you and your sweet family. God bless you abundantly, Grace. Thank you for deviating from your norm and sharing a bit of your heart today!

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  31. I am so sorry for your loss. You are not alone. We lost our first and it was a deep sadness and grief that I experienced for a long time. Thank you for sharing so that others, when they are quietly suffering, won't feel so alone.

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  32. Grace, I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing Felipe's story with us. You don't come off as selfish at all. I grieve deeply with you, and look forward to meeting your sweet baby and our Jasper (miscarried 07/09/2012) in heaven someday. Two healthy pregnancies came before our loss, and two came after, but I never forget that baby. I found some comfort in a necklace with his initial, and a rose bush we planted in his honor.

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  33. Our angel babies can be friends until we meet them on the other side! You are brave for posting this. You're in my prayers, Grace.

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  34. I am so sorry for your loss! You're family will be in my prayers.

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  35. I'm sorry for your loss. We lost our first and third babies to miscarriage and while we're plenty busy with the five living we have, there are still times that it catches me, wishing I could have held those other two. I wanted to ask for their prayers, but couldn't; I wanted to care for my babies, not ask them to care for me. But I have an easier time asking their prayers for their siblings since sibs should watch out for each other, right? Anyway, prayers and hugs to you all.

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  36. I'm so sorry for your loss, I will be sure to keep you guys in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your sweet Felipe with us.

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  37. Oh Grace, I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. And I think that baby #6 has just as much a right to be loved as babies 1-5, and because you love, you mourn. That's not selfish at all. Keeping you in my prayers.

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  38. So sorry for the loss of your precious babe - thank you for sharing his sweet story with us <3 Sending love and hopes for peace to you and your family!

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  39. I'm so sorry. I have 5 little ones waiting for me in heaven. I know I wouldn't yearn for heaven the way I should if I didn't have them drawing me there.

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  40. I'm so sorry for your family's loss, Grace. Thinking of you, Simon and the kids.

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  41. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not selfish to grieve, even with five healthy children...it certainly doesn't make the loss of a welcomed and anticipated child any less. I too have experienced miscarraige, the sadness will pop up at odd times, but it will get better.

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  42. Condolences, and I'm happy you decided to share. :)

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  43. Oh Grace, I am so very sorry for your loss. What a beautiful post you have written to honor Felipe's story. You, Simon and the family are in my prayers.

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  44. Your family has been on my mind (and in my prayers) more than usual lately--this post makes me glad you were on my heart. Thinking of you and keeping all of you in my prayers.

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  45. Thank you for sharing Grace! I will be praying for Felipe and your family at Mass today.

    Carol

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  46. so sorry to hear. I love those quotes. My children know they have a sibling in heaven waiting for them. What comfort. I lost my little sweet baby on my oldest son's 13th birthday. I some how wrapped his presents and went through a loss. some how.

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  47. Just because it was baby number 6 does not lessen your loss. I'm so sorry for your sorry but I'm happy you have found a little light in the darkness. Much love and prayers

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  48. Thank you for being vulnerable. I just recently had my second miscarriage. I'm fortunate to have a 16 month little boy, but the sting and pain of losing a child is still so strong. Your the second blogger I follow to now open and share a pregnancy loss. Please know that it helps me not to feel so alone and isolated and others are drawing encouragement from YOU! I'm sorry for your loss. And please don't feel guilty about being sad since you have 5 children. A loss is a loss. Prayers for your family.

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  49. Oh I'm so sorry to hear (read) that! Keeping you all in prayers!

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  50. I just recently lost my third baby. My first was a miscarriage, second is now a healthy 16 month old, and our third was due in March. Thank you for being vulnerable. It helps those us in the same situation feel less isolated and can draw encouragement from each other. sorry for your loss. Glad we can find comfort in knowing our babies are in heaven.

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  51. I'm so sorry Grace. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. Much love and many prayers.

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  52. oh grace, I'm so sorry. There are no other words.

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  53. Oh goodness, I'm so sorry to read this. Prayers for you and Simon and the whole family, and God bless Baby Felipe. <3

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  54. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not selfish in your pain or grief. A beautiful tribute to your little one, thank you for sharing.

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  55. Grace, thank you so much for sharing your story. I have 4 beautiful kids and had my first miscarriage in May. Went to the 12 week appointment and there was no heartbeat. I didn't want to have a D&C. Waited for it it happen naturally, which took 4 looooong weeks. Those were some lonely weeks because I just didn't feel ready to share with everyone. Thankful for my other kiddos who kept me busy and distracted. I still think of it often and it has taken a while for my hormones to return to normal. Maybe that is because I'm older (37), haha! We named our baby also and it is such a comfort knowing we will be reunited in heaven. Prayers for you from one momma's heart to another one.

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  56. God bless you and your family during this difficult time. Hugs!

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  57. I'm so sorry for your loss! I love the name Felipe - it seems so perfect for your little one in light of the quotes you've shared. Praying for your family and that you will get to see your baby again in heaven (some day very far in the future after you've lived a long and full life)!

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  58. Thank you for sharing Grace! I was the oldest of 5 when my mother miscarried #6 and it was one of the saddest things we've ever been through. Hugs and prayers!

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  59. I'm so sorry Grace! Praying for you.

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  60. I'm so sorry for your loss Grace. Thank you for sharing with us.

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  61. I'm so sorry, Grace. Lots of love to you and your family.

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  62. Grace,
    I am so very sorry that your little one went on ahead of you and made it to heaven. The order is reversed and that is very hard for parents to comprehend.
    A friend passed along a great insight when I was struggling with our last miscarriage. We have nine wonderful children, but I felt that same darkness for sure! You said, "You have to remember you had a baby. You gave birth, but this time you have no baby in your arms. You still have all the hormones and emotions that go with with childbirth."
    Ohhhh! For me, that was insightful.

    It is always hard to give them back. Every time. No matter which baby they are in a family. The numbers quandary always baffles me as to which one of my currently living children would we ever want to give back so why on earth would losing any future children be any less painful?

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  63. So sorry for your loss! Thank you for sharing this with your blog family. You guys are such an example of living out your faith so strongly in so many ways.

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  64. There are no words.....I'm so very sorry. Praying for you and your family.

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  65. Grace, oh my heart hurts for you. Andrew and I always love keeping up with you guys via blog, know you are close in our prayers.

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  66. I'm so sorry Grace. We were expecting our #6 to arrive next January but devastatingly lost him at 18 weeks. You have so many hopes and dreams for each new life and so much LOVE, to have it torn away is heart shattering. Grieving your angel and the little soul we never got to watch blossom doesn't make us any less grateful for the blessings we get to hold in our arms daily.

    Much love to you Grace, it's a rough road to travel.

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  67. Oh Grace, so sorry to hear this. I've never commented before, but I read here every day: your love for ALL your children is so apparent, and I'll be thinking of all 8 of you. Thank you for opening yourself up and sharing with this community. We are here for you. Sending much love and warm hugs you and your family's way.

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  68. Grace, so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your beloved, sweet Felipe with us. You and your family are in my prayers...that last quote brought tears to my eyes - it is beautiful and a good reminder for us all.

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  69. No matter how many babies you have or don't have, miscarriage leaves a hole in your heart. My husband and I lost two babies before our daughter was born. There were so many dark, sad days, and it's hard to be happy that they're in heaven when you just really want them by your side. We will be praying for you, Simon, and the kids.

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  70. So sorry, Grace. I'll pray for comfort for you and Simon.

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  71. So sorry for your loss. Losing a baby is never easy, even if you have 1,5,or 10 at home - a loss is a loss. I lost my second baby, and I still think about that little life all of the time. i took such joy in knowing he/she never had to experience the pain of this broken world and woke up in Jesus arms. I can't think of anything better! Praying peace and comfort over your heart and home in the days ahead! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing!

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  72. Thank you for your candor and beautiful example of motherhood, Grace. Could you embody your name any better? Remembering you in my prayers and asking, especially, for the intercession of San Felipe and Saint Gianna. xo

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  73. I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I know it takes courage to talk about it so openly. I lost a baby almost 4 years ago and it took me a really long time to even mention it to anyone.

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  74. So sorry for your loss, Grace and Simon! I'm so sorry. Know that there is a candle lit at the Grotto for you! We are joining in Felipe's prayers for you.

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  75. Grace, I lost my second and even though my first was only six months old, it still hurt so much. It still does.
    One thing that helped me cope was what our priest said at the graveside. He spoke of God allowing the child to be taken from us ''by the cruelty of nature". God always wills life, but sometimes he allows nature, his creation, to take her course. It doesn't mean He willed your child to die. I was feeling angry at God and thinking of it that way helped me understand better.
    Prayers for you all. You'll always remember and you'll always grieve, and that is normal and fine. Don't hide it and don't be ashamed. <3 Thank you for sharing and allowing us the privilege of offering prayers and comforting words.

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  76. Many prayers and blessings to you and Simon. May you be lifted up and carried through the hardest of days.

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  77. Grace, I am praying for you and your family while you go through this difficult time. While you lost your little one to this earth, you gained a saint in heaven waiting for the day you will meet again.

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  78. Grace, thank you for sharing your story. I love reading your blog but have never commented. I had a miscarriage last year, and this post hit close to home for me. It's so miserably hard, but sharing your story is a way to honor your baby while helping others to feel less alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

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  79. I am so very sorry. I learned after my miscarriage of our little Jeremiah that it is good to share these things. We hadn't shared my pregnancy with anyone, and so we lost him in secret, and I didn't tell anyone until a year later when I finally allowed myself to process all that had happened. It is such a difficult journey, but it is one best walked with friends. Prayers for you and Simon. Felipe and Jeremiah are surely buddies up there, praying for us down here.

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  80. Oh sweetie - this breaks my heart a little bit. So, so sorry for the loss of your sweet #6. Lots of love from us in Atlanta.

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  81. Grace and Simon, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Felipe's story with us. Your family is such a beautiful witness to the value of life and the faith, even in (especially in!) this heartbreaking time. You are in my prayers!

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  82. I'm so sorry. I love your usual light-heartedness but please don't regret posting this, it's definitely appreciated. Miscarriage is so hard to talk about... I hate to bring up other families' losses to them because I don't want to be the trigger of grief, and I don't want to bring up my own to seem like I'm looking for pity. But they are important and I think that every blog post/conversation about our lost babies is helpful; already you've allowed so many people (^^^) to open up and talk about it. My heart breaks for every parent who has ever lost a child, it's an unbearable pain that I almost can't believe can be real. Thank God (literally) for the comfort of knowing that our babies are perfectly happy in heaven and also for the hope that we will see them again one day.
    I also find so much comfort in quotes and scripture, especially this one:
    "In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

    And now my husband is going to be so confused when he comes home from work and is all TGIF! while I have puffy eyes ;) But thank you for the humbling reminder that life is so precious and sacred, it's heartbreaking but powerful. I'll be praying for you, your family, and Baby Felipe as well as all of the other mothers and families out there who are missing their babies.
    xoxoxo

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  83. So very sorry for your loss, Grace and Pattons! You are in my prayers.

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  84. I'm sorry for your loss. I miscarried a January baby at 11 weeks this July. It was as I emotionally expected it be to be: sad with a dose of thankfulness to think of a babe in Heaven. Physically it was horrible and so much worse than I could've imagined. I appreciate you sharing!

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  85. Thank you for your post, I recently miscarried Baby #4 two weeks ago and have noticed how the sadness is really setting in now. I wish so badly that no one had to know how this kind of loss feels. I hope you can find peace as you walk this painful path.

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  86. Grace, I'ms os sorry for your loss. You and that sweet baby are in my prayers!

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  87. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have five kids on earth and four in heaven (plus one on the way, who thankfully is doing well so far), and each loss has been very painful no matter how many kids I already had.

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  88. I am so sorry to hear about your sweet baby. My husband and I recently had two miscarriages and it is hard, like gritty, dirty, hard. It's hard to explain the feeling. I completely relate to your triggers. I appreciate your honesty and silver linings. I don't think I'm there yet. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  89. Grace I'm so sorry for your loss. We just lost #3, we named him Andrew Augustine. Through all the tears these words brought me so much comfort ... Hope it does the same for you.

    " My Lord, the baby is dead!

    Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

    “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

    You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

    I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity. -- Mother M. Angelica"

    https://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/prayers/miscarriage.htm

    So many prayers!


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  90. Hugs and prayers for you Grace! Thanks for sharing.

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  91. Thank you for sharing about your sweet little Felipe. I grieve for you and am warmed by thought that you will still get to hold that little one some day. Prayers for you.

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  92. So sorry to hear this Grace. Miscarriage, and the unexpected grief triggers that come along with it are so difficult. Thank you for choosing to share your story anyway. You and your sweet family are in my prayers. Sending so much love your way mama.

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  93. Grace, I am terribly sorry about the loss of your little boy. No matter when miscarriage occurs, it happens to a *real* baby with an eternal soul--as you already know--and his existence is true, even if no one could perceive it from the outside. May God give you comfort and send you compassionate friends to console you and understand you and support you. I found with my miscarriage that many, many friends came out of the woodwork to offer support because they, too, had had a miscarriage. It was very healing for me to have the support of those who could understand the grief, so I pray you will find the same sorts of people in your (non-virtual) life. Little St. Felipe Patton, pray for us!

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  94. Oh this makes my heart ache, I'm so sorry Grace. I felt the same after I miscarried earlier this year, that a major way God answered my prayers and brought me comfort was by filling my heart with compassion and love for those who have had to walk that devastating road too. I'll be keeping you and your sweet family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  95. So, so sorry to hear this. I miscarried baby #2 and I think already having kids makes the grief of a miscarriage sharper-- because you know the joy that *could* have been.

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  96. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. I am a very (very!) devoted blog-reader but I've never commented. Like, on any blog, ever. But I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers your way.

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  97. I'm so sorry for your loss, Grace and Simon and kids. I'll be offering prayers for you all.

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  98. I have 5 boys in heaven and 1 sweet little girl who just joined us earth side. I pray Felipe is welcomed in the heavenly playground. Prayers for you and the family while you navigate this time.

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  99. I'm very sorry for your loss. I know those feelings too well, as I miscarried our fifth baby in 2014. Our Mercy is our rainbow baby. Praying for you during this difficult time.

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  100. Grace (and Simon and family) I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage before having my first and it's such a hard loss to explain. I'll be keeping you all in my prayers.

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  101. Echoing others, I am so sorry for your loss. I hate that it's sounds cliche to say, but I truly am. My first, and only daughter, Eve, was stillborn after a week of being in the hospital fighting for her to survive. It's a pain I wish no one ever had to experience. I hope that you can find some peace and comfort knowing that you are not alone and have people thinking and praying for you and your family. I commend you for writing about it and I hope it provided some catharsis for you and also helps others struggling with a loss as well.

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  102. Oh, i am so sorry, Grace. No matter how many children you have earth side, to lose a child must be one of the worst pains in the world. Praying for you. Love the Saint Philip quotes you shared - very inspiring. Sending love and prayers.

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  103. I am so sorry Grace. I honestly cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. Thank you for being brave enough to share this.

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  104. Such a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing. Miscarriage is so hard, but your perspective on it is lovely. Please know that it is right and good for you to grieve this kind of a loss no matter how many healthy kids you've got with you still. Prayers for you and Simon!

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  105. I love your blog, Grace. It never fails to make me laugh. You have such a gift for writing! I never comment - so I just wanted to let you know that.

    My heart breaks for you and your family. I am so thankful that you know the Lord and can trust that your sweet Felipe is in heaven with Jesus. Praying that He is your strength and comfort!

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  106. What a beautiful post, Grace! I always think of our miscarriages as a chance to see another sweet baby when we get to heaven. Don't know if that is how it will work or not, but one way or another, as a believer, we WILL be reunited with our babies again when we get to heaven. Glad you are grieving instead of holding it inside. God is the big comforter. May He feel real and near for you during this time.

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  107. So sorry to hear of your loss, Grace. How many weeks pregnant were you? I lost my first baby at 7 weeks. Even though it was still fairly early, I already had so many hopes and dreams for that child. It felt like such a great loss.

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  108. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm crying with you. I, too have had 2 saints born into Heaven. Please take as long as you need to grieve and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Also, grieving the loss isn't selfish no matter how many kids you already have! Thank you for sharing so that we can lift you up in prayer. Love, hug, and prayers to you and your family.

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  109. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 11 weeks in between my girls and your experience sounds so similar. I wasn't a weeping mess at the hospital...that grief is a sneaky B and catches me at the strangest moments. Don't feel selfish for missing that baby. Prayers for you and your family!

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  110. What an honor to know this little bit of Felipe, thanks for sharing him with us.

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  111. I'm so sorry! Keeping you and your beautiful family in my prayers. What a beautiful name to give your little boy <3

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  112. Oh my sweet Grace. My heart breaks to read this news. Sweet Felipe now dances with my Simon, Oliver and of course our beautiful Courtney. He is well loved and cared for my friend, even though you would much rather have him here. Much love and many prayers for healing of body and heart ❤️

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  113. So sorry to hear this. Sending you good thoughts...

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  114. I'm so sorry. I understand your sorrow, as I have two angel babies also. Prayers for you and Simon.

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  115. I am SO sorry for your loss. From one momma to another, I have two beautiful rainbow babies after two heartbreaking losses. The pain changes you, not for the worse, it just does, those little people never fully leave you. Thank you for sharing, you are offering comfort top other moms in need, just as Saint Felipe has offered to you.

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  116. Thank you for sharing. It is the most painful experience that no one talks about. Sending so much love.

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  117. Grace, I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. No matter how many babies you have here, losing a much-loved and wanted baby must be terrible. Prayers.

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  118. Oh Grace. You are so brave for sharing. Thank you. I am so sorry to hear the news 😔 Every life is worth celebrating and grieving so don't ever feel bad or apologize for that.

    We have lost two babies - Francis at 17 weeks and Mariella at just a few days gestation. We still celebrate their birthdays and pray with them daily. And while I am SO grateful for the same silver lining of being able to connect and support friends who have lost children, it's never any less heartbreaking. I still cry. I still miss them. I still think about how old they would be or what milestone we would be close to.

    Maybe you're not looking for any reading but if you ever are, the only thing I have found that actually made sense and made me feel less alone (& like he wasn't trying to fix me or make me move on) was "Lament for a Son" by Nicholas Wolterstorff.

    Praying for peace and comfort for you all, Grace. I am so, so sorry.

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  119. Grace- I'm so sorry to hear about your precious Felipe. I'm reading this as I hold my 1.5 week old baby in my arms, and I have tears streaming down my face with sadness for y'all. There is nothing more precious than human life. Though Felipe has beat us all to our hoped for finish line, it doesn't take away the pain and sadness- and shouldn't! Death was never part of God's original plan. You and Simon are two very strong people. Though I haven't seen you in years, it seems that spunky wild Grace I remember from college is now super wife and super mom. I am impressed. Your love and openess to life is such a witness. We will be praying for y'all. Love to you - Meghan Murrell Sterett

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  120. I am so deeply sorry for the profound loss of your baby. We will remember Felipe with you. Love and prayers for all eight of you.

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  121. Longtime blog stalker here. My heart hurts for yours, I'm going through something similar. You aren't alone in the grief. Thank you for sharing.

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  122. I am so very sorry, Grace. Words really can't describe the pain of a miscarriage. Thank you so much for sharing this and know that you are not alone.

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  123. Grace, my prayers and heart are with you. We have 4 healthy, happy children here on Earth and 3 in heaven. My second pregnancy ended in miscarriage of twins, Rose and Violet. My 5th pregnancy was another miscarriage, and I know the grieving process can be so strange and unexpected, but beautiful. Though I desperately wish I'd had the chance to hold my babies on Earth, it gives me so much peace to know they are with Christ, and our Blessed Mother, and so many loved ones. God bless sweet Felipe and the whole Patton family.

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  124. So sorry to hear this, Grace! I'm sure sharing about sweet Felipe will help many others. Prayers for you and your family!

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  125. Praying for you and your family, Grace. Im deeply sorry for your precious loss.

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  126. So sorry to hear about this, Grace!! May your very own little Felipe be your family's most powerful intercessor in heaven! Be assured of our prayers!!

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  127. Sending warm and healing thoughts your way. ❤️

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  128. Grace,
    I am so sorry for your family's loss. I, too, have 5 children but they are more spread out than yours. My oldest is 15 and my youngest is 2 and throughout I have four saints in heaven. St's Sydney, Drew, Lucy & Edwin. I learned after losing my first that I no longer feared death the way I used to because I hope & pray that someday I may meet my other children. God bless you & your family throughout your grief journey. 💕🙏🏼

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  129. I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. May you feel His presence continuing to give you peace and strength.


    God Bless.

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  130. There is nothing selfish in grieving a lost baby, no matter how many children we are blessed with. It was your baby, no matter for how long you got to hold him or her, inside or out. We lost our fourth baby (we have two living babes) in January and the grief is still very real and very hard. I can never assume to know what someone else is going through but you are not alone. So sad they are no longer here with us but so glad my two babies up in heaven have so many other friends to keep them company until we can join them again someday. Blessings on your journey.

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  131. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how painful. Prayers.

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  132. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage Grace but what a beautiful tribute to Felipe for you to share and help another who might be in the same situation.

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  133. I've never commented before but your posts always add some sunshine to my day :) My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and I remember feeling so alone. Thank you for sharing! You and your family will definitely be in my prayers! Hugs to you Grace!

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  134. My kind kind friend!! I am so heartbroken for you. Sending that fudge stat. Praying for your lil Felipe's intercession for your healing as you grieve his short life.

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  135. I'm so sorry to hear that! I would have loved to see another cute Patton baby here on the blog!
    I had a miscarriage too in June and after 9 months of trying to get pregnant and being happy that it finally worked, it hurt so much ;(
    Hope you will feel better soon! <3

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  136. So sorry for your loss, Grace. St. Felipe, pray for us!

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  137. I have six children too but four of them we lost to miscarriage. I don't think it makes you selfish in the least to be sad about Felipe while you have five other living children. Every child is unique and wonderful and should be mourned, regardless of how many living siblings they have. I'm so sorry for your loss, Grace.

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  138. I'm so sorry, GP! Thanks for sharing with us. Xxoo.

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  139. I am so sorry for your loss. You are not selfish at all. Thank you for sharing such a personal struggle. It is so hard to understand His plan sometimes. You and your family are in my prayers.

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  140. Beautiful post Grace. I am so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your beautiful family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  141. Praying for you and your sweet family! Thank you so much for sharing this personal story on your blog. You are truly a bright spot on the internet.

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  142. I'm so sorry, Grace. Every baby is their own person and therefore their own loss, no matter what. I had my third miscarriage over the summer and our baby would have been due in early February as well. I hope our Felipe and Josephine are together waiting for us!

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  143. I'm very sorry to hear this, Grace. I've spent my entire pregnancy trying to mentally prepare for the worse if it ever happened (not sure why, I'm weird) and I'm not sure that I would be able to share so freely. Thank you for being vulnerable, I'm praying for your family.

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  144. Miscarriage just sucks so bad. You're a rockstar.

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  145. Grace,
    I am so sorry. I have to admit , I have been waiting for a "pregnancy announcement post" because sometimes you are tricky with them.:). This post explains why , and not what I wanted to hear. Thank you for being real and vulnerable and sharing with us all. I am glad you named him ,and I hope you have other momentos to remember him by. And you are doing right by grieving the loss of this baby. A life is a life and should be mourned in loss. Rest and be easy on yourself. I did a yoga class today and after it felt like I had been to the spa.

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  146. never comment on these things but I look up to you so much. I am a young mom of 2 little ones and had them about as close together as you can get, and have identified with so many of your posts. but since having those two we have struggled with over a year of unexplained infertility. It's so hard when you have all these hopes and dreams of what things will be like and then they are taken away. The only way I get through the day is remembering that God really is always in control and has a plan,and God holds us so close when we suffer even if we can't feel Him. Thanks for always showing that and know you are in my prayers, and that for whatever reason God absolutely needed your little one in heaven. must be one sweet soul.

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  147. "Let me get through today, and I shall not fear tomorrow."

    you cannot possibly imagine how much I needed to read this today. Thank you.

    I had two miscarriages and missed those babies horribly. then when our youngest was about 8 and I was explaining (simply) the 7 year age gap between he and his brother, I explained about the miscarriages. He replied "oh mom, that was me those two times, I was just waiting for THIS skin" it really helped me.

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    1. Julie, I had to reply to your comment and say that what your little guy said just slays me! So innocent and precious! God bless him. :)

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    2. Grace, whenever you posted this I tried to comment but couldn't from my phone. I am so sorry you lost little Felipe. :( I had been thinking recently that it was time for another Patton baby. Felipe is waiting and praying for y'all! May God's peace and consolation wash over you and your family.

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  148. So very sorry for your loss, and keeping the Patton family in our prayers!

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  149. Prayers for you all, Grace. We have one in heaven too <3

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  150. Grace,
    I just wanted to say that I'm praying for your family. I'm not a mom, but I am a blogger, and I admire you infinitely as both. You're human sunshine. I've come to love you and your family so much through your blog and social media. I am so devastated to hear this news. Please know that I am praying for you and your family like crazy.
    With love, Jenna

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  151. Praying for you and your beautiful family. Asking Felipe to intercede for you all.

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  152. I am so sorry for your profound loss. I will be sending happy thoughts and feelings of hope your way.

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  153. So sad, sweet Felipe! That autopsy report--too big of a heart for this world--oh Grace. I'm glad you memorialized him here and I hope you can find a quiet, reassuring way to do it your home as well. I've read a few back-from-near-death reports by children who've said they've run into their mother's unborn children in Heaven. Lucky Felipe to have this family coming for him eventually! xoxo <3

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  154. So sorry. I had what seems to be a very early miscarriage myself this week. I wish every baby was as wanted and loved as Felipe and ours.

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  155. I'm so sorry for your loss. I too have lost a baby and fully understand that every baby is a precious gift - no matter how many you have in your arms. You and your family will be held in my prayers.

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  156. I am so sorry for your loss Grace. A miscarriage is hard no matter if it's your first or sixth. We lost 2 between our 2nd and 3rd an acquaintance told me I had no right to grieve because I had 2 healthy children already. Yet that's why I was grieving so deep was because I knew exactly what was missing. We have recently been toying with the idea of what permanent birth control but neither one of us will commit because we both know what we will giving up. So we give it to God. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  157. This touched such a deep, tender spot. In the days following the miscarriage of our sweet Pio Julian, I was so very grateful for the women who let me hold their grief with my grief. Your words will help someone.

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  158. Oh, Grace. Sending prayers, hugs, and peace your way.

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  159. Beautiful, Grace. I'm so deeply sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart and your story and your loss with us. Your openness to life has always been a source of encouragement and inspiration to me (and I imagine so many). And here you are open again, but in a whole new way. I pray you and yours are wrapped in love and warmth in the coming days.

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  160. so sorry to hear about your loss. I suffered a miscarriage last December, and it's a truly heartbreaking experience - there are no words. I will remember you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this with us.

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  161. I am so very sorry, Grace. I lost a baby before my first was born and it is still the hardest and darkest thing I've gone through. Thank you for writing this here, I know you are helping a lot of people.

    Praying for the Pattons.

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  162. Thank you so much for sharing--it is such a silent struggle for so many men and women and it validates the real pain when people whom we admire share their experiences. I don't share your experience, as my husband and I will never be able to conceive, but you have my deepest sympathy. In case you hadn't read it previously, Saint Zelie Martin wrote a lovely letter to her sister-in-law who lost a child:

    "I am deeply saddened by the sorrow which has just come to you; it is indeed a real trial for you...May Our Lord grant you resignation to His holy Will! Your dear little child is with God; he is looking down on you and loving you; and one day, you will possess him again. This is a great consolation that I have experienced myself, and which I still feel.

    When I had to close the eyes of my dear children and bury them, I felt deep sorrow, but I was always resigned to it. I did not regret the pains and the sorrows which I had endured for them. Many persons said to me: "It would have been better for you if you had never had them." I could not bear that kind of talk. I do not think that the sorrows and the troubles endured could possibly be compared with the eternal happiness of my children with God. Besides, they are not lost to me forever; life is short and filled with crosses, and we shall find them again in Heaven."

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  163. I am sending you light and love during this very difficult time, Grace!

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  164. Praying for you and Simon. St. Philip Neri is one of my all-time favorite saints and he gained quite a great namesake in your Felipe. <3

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  165. Grace, I am so sorry to read this. How brutal the pain can be with something like this. I will be praying for you and your family. Sweet little Felipe, pray for us! I hope your days are full of peace and grace and you move forward.

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  166. Oh Grace, I am so sorry! Sending prayers and hugs for you. I can't even imagine the feeling. :o( Thanks for sharing such a personal post.

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  167. Oh, I'm so sorry for the loss of Felipe. Thank you for sharing this--it is certainly helping me. I just experienced the loss of baby #2 by miscarriage--our little Therese, and the grief is so intense. I agree that now being able to empathize with others who have suffered miscarriages is a silver lining. I read somewhere that all these babies knew was love--thinking about them in heaven is a beautiful, comforting thought. I'll pray for you and your family.

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  168. Grace,

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can tell you that time goes on it will get a little easier. My own angel baby would have been 6 this year. We named our baby Harley. We have 6 children between us. My husband had 3 & I had 2 when we married. Harley would have been our 6th. We were blessed to later have our daughter, Isabella. She will be 3 this year.
    There are many times when I stop & think of how our little Harley would be. Knowing that our baby is safe in God's arms helps. No, the tears don't completely go away because I'm a mom & that's how we are.
    I know that your little ones will help with your healing & that God always has big plans for all of us. Prayers for you, Simon, your family, & your angel baby.

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  169. Grace thank you for sharing. My heart aches for you, Simon and your family. Praying for healing and comfort! God Bless!

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  170. My heart goes out to you and Simon and your little ones. I have followed you for awhile now and your posts and pictures always warm my heart and fill my days with laughter. Sending prayers and hugs to you and your family.

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  171. Thank you for being to honest and vulnerable on such a sensitive topic. My heart aches for you, and I pray that you have the strength to bear this trial.

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  172. Thank you so much Grace for being such a light in the midst of your own sorrow. Peace with you and all of Camp Patton <3

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  173. Oh Grace, I'm so sorry for your loss. Blessings and prayers to you and your family at this time.

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