rage against the [sound] machine

23 May 2013

I think I've talked about our um ... unhealthy dependency on sound machines around here? We travel with them and sleep with them and love them like our 4th, 5th, and 6th children because they are an important part of the sleep equation up in here, up in here.

The kids are supposed to be napping right now and they are BUT Sebastian's sound machine is on its last leg and it keeps turning off and waking him so I have to go hit it just so and let out 5 consecutive exasperated sighs JUST so and then place it delicately one foot from his crib and two feet from the window and unplug it and plug it back in and then do a little dance ... make a little love ... and THEN the ocean comes waving back to life. And after all of that I have to beg poor Bash to PLEASE go back to sleep which he kindly does and then the stupid waves cease to crash all over again and I don't know if I have any hair left to pull out because this week!!! This week is ... it's a something. Something not good.

I've read SO many insightful and wonderful blog posts lately and I'm like, "wow! the readers of this post are better people for having read it and are really going to take something great away from this great post!" and I am not a writer of such posts because if you've read .75 of a post on this bliggity bloggle then you'll know that I mostly just complain. Sometimes I think I should stop but then yesterday's water heater fiasco from hell happens and after being on hold for 45 minutes I dramatically ask the customer service b (who refuses to send a plumber for 24 hours because of a really brilliant policy of some sort) how I'm supposed to feed the child that is dependent on formula + water? Am I supposed to magically start lactating again?! (a finer moment of Grace's that I truly hope the blessed b treasured), or a sound machine drops an atomic on the little chunk of daily quiet, or Simon texts after 5pm that he is just now seeing the patient scheduled for 2pm aaaaand my good attitude that I woke up with and vowed to cling to ... it has a short little rope that frays and disappears embarrassingly easily.

I keep reminding myself that Simon won't always be on this unbelievable rotation that has him scrubbing for surgeries scheduled for 2pm at 6pm which gets him home at youcanimaginepm. I just really hope he gets off before Bed Bath and Beyond closes tonight so he can go buy our fourth sound machine/7th child to replace this faulty jerk. The carts at that place are like the carts at Whole Foods and they are naw-ha-ha-ha-at built with cart sitting children in mind and I'm not in the mood for Destination: Adventureland, Population: three children all incapable of walking at a normal pace in public and one mom with a single strand of hair left on her head. I'm just not. Call me crazy - definitely, not maybe. I don't know why I'm bringing Carly Rae into this ... she's never done anything to me. I'm sorry.


Cleansing breath that does nothing. 


Let me just get these things off my fingerpads and then I'll stop:

+ I added a can of salmon (who has that in their pantry? this idiot) to the kids (organic!!!) macaroni thinking I was being one of those sneaky moms that adds pureed healthy to stuff and kids eat it right up with big smiles and NO. It was maybe my biggest culinary regret to date which is ... a FEAT.

+ Sebastian presented me with a diaper situation this morning that forced me to first remove both my wedding and engagement rings before I dug in. Again with the feating.

+ All I want to do right now is rekindle my abusive relationship with Jillian while watching my new terribly guilty pleasure that is Scandal (is Kerry Washington not the prettiest? She is) or the Bachelor's Funniest Moments but I thought typing about my feelings would be cathartic because I'm self-involved like dat.

+ Netflix did away with a lot of kids shows and Dora was one of them. This adversely affects my life WAY more than I'll ever admit and whatever dumbo made that decision better hope he/she never has a brush with Grace. That would be a threat, yes.


Ummm ... good things?


I did Julia's hair and now I call her Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm and she just looks at me like -- you've FINALLY lost it completely, haven't you? I'm sure she pulled it out before she went to sleep and she'll make Medusa's mane look tame but it was nice (and sunny! laugh) while it lasted.


This is totally going to bite me in the bottom because you know that unwritten rule when you brag about your baby sleeping through the night/being potty trained/never getting sick/talking at 6 months/etc and then 3 seconds later they regress on said brag? That will happen here probably but Bash has been all up in Theo's grill lately and Theo is the nicest sport about the aggressive affection. Maybe because Simon hasn't been home to wrestle but Sebastian just can't help himself and just plops himself on Theo's little lap whenever he pleases and my don't they have similar coloring?


Okay this stuff isn't great but the mini bottles get me every time and it's way better than the cans of Coors Light sitting ugly in the fridge. Kristin claims the Skinnygirl Cosmos are better which I intend on trying riddy riddy soon.

Moral of the post? Everything is going to be fine come mid-August when Simon starts a decentish rotation. Hold on tight until then. Thanks a trill.


51 comments:

  1. I wish I lived near you, because we share the same complete and utter dependency on sound machines (as an adult, I do, too, and made my poor husband get out of bed the other night to figure out why our fan was making a weird noise) and I would totally bring you a new one, and a back up. Once, our power went out overnight, and I think nobody slept at all. We stayed in a hotel before and rolled a box fan in on the luggage cart.

    I hope you don't stop writing because your posts remind me of emails from close friends and those are my favorite kind:)

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  2. !#$#@%!! As soon as I read your comment about Dora being gonzo I quick checked and they got rid of Go Diego Go! too! I only pay for streaming so Netflix can babysit my kids, and they go and get rid of their favorite shows. Dangnabit!

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  3. Theo over Bash's shoulder?!?! I die. I'm dead.

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  4. HOW did you get Julia to sit still long enough to braid her hair? Cecilia gives me like, .7 seconds before she just starts walking away...

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  5. OK, I read this post while rocking my daughter to sleep to the sound of our ipad ocean white noise app. We shamefully use the ipad 95% of the time FOR the white noise app. I have searched for Dora and Diego endlessly this week and have mourned it. You aren't alone and I needed to read this so thank you.

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  7. You have to get the Sonos system, we went through quite a few sound machines (we travel a lot to see family, they don't travel well) and then got the Sonos system. Baby E has the "Soothing Sounds of the Pacific" playing in her nursery all day and night, and we have any and all music for the rest of the house at our fingertips via an iPhone. It's worth the investment.

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  8. I totally thought about you when I saw that Dora was leaving Netflix. Try pocoyo or backyardigans.

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  9. Every time I write anything more than a complaining post I regret it-- every time. There's a reason peeps always come back to your blog, it is the best.

    I have to go get one of those skinny girls asap.

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  10. Nothing but love for you and posts that keep us all sane.
    Prayers that you are the proud owner of a new sound machine by this evening.

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  11. i love a good mini bottle of wine, they had them in our room (for free!) in jamaica, every time we drank one it was like they instantly knew and were back to refill our stock! best.

    i love sebastian on fe-oh's lap, so funny.

    love the new font type in your header, i'm a sucker for a good font!

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  12. (i started every sentence with "love" or "i love". sorry it's been a long day, i'll tone it down now)

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  13. We are a sound machine family too - thanks to my husband... I could sleep in silence but he insisted that #1 needed a humidifier for background sound and then #2 came and we had to get another one. Then we realized humidifiers get insanely nasty and need to be bleached for a week while we're on vacation so #1 has a sound machine in her room and #2 has the cleaner humidifier... which leads me to a question....

    What are the sleeping arrangements in your house? We have #3 coming in a few months and we are merging #1 and #2 into one room - which absolutely horrifies me - and #3 gets #2's room. BUT I am thinking at nap times to set up a pack and play in another room for #2 because naps are so crucial to our/my existence. Thoughts?

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    1. I have 5. We merged rooms also when new babies came along. But I kept naps in separate rooms. It's a must.

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    2. Yeah that is what I am thinking too. Sometimes naps can be hit or miss for the 3 yr old and the 15 month old will wake up and play and talk before nap is officially over. Where do you spread 5 kids out to though?

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  14. What? No Dora? I only got Netflix for A.D. (this Sunday baby!) And the kid shows. Ergh!

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  15. Theo's typrewritter onesie? How cute. I especially love your boys all smushed together like that.

    And yes. Sound machines. Yes. And one of ours is dying too and every night I pray it doesn't go out at 3:00 AM. Which is the most precious hour of sleep IMO.

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  16. Ooooo, Scandal! I love that show. And, yes, Kerry Washington is the prettiest. So pretty that I get distracted by thinking about how pretty she is and "Why, oh why, can't I be a pretty African American woman like I have always wanted?!" See? I can complain too. ;)

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  17. I dread going to stores w/ dinky carts that are only slightly bigger than the kiddie ones. I hear you about the sound machine. Twice this week I forgot to turn it on at bedtime (how?)and wondered why the toddler was still up an hr. later. Here's hoping some of the appts. will cancel!

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  18. My darling - join Amazon Prime and you can stream seasons of Dora to your heart's content. For free. I just checked. You can thank me later. And I am TOTALLY dependent on the sound machine. For me!! Because I have VERY noisy children and they are up way to early (think 6-ish) and since they are older and I can actually sleep a little, I LOVE the noise machine. I would totally go out late at night to replace it if I thought there was an issue.

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  19. Oh my god, you should do stand up. Seriously. :)

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  20. Oh Grace! I hope your week gets much better! Also, canned salmon is ALWAYS a bad idea!

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  21. oy. if i had the extra lettuce, i'd send you on a solo all-expenses-paid trip to the costco/target of your choice, followed by a massage and enough skinnygirl cocktails to completely negate the name. here's to a decentish rotation in only 90 more days!!
    p.s. ryder never used a sound machine. he just won't go to bed unless he's in his pack n play situated DIRECTLY in the center of our tv/family room. i fear he'll be 7 and still sleeping there.

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  22. Thanks for the little link :).

    Laughing out loud about the can of salmon, that is so something I would do!!

    Yes, you have to try the Cosmo and let me know what you think. Just had a glass :).

    Don't worry about venting, I love hearing your stories!!!

    Also, the braids look great. Maybe a tutorial!

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  23. I'm pretty sure this is a week from hell. I think I set a new record this am for how early I can lose my s***.

    I meant to ask- where did you find those shorts from your OTI post? How do you think they'd fit someone with a postpartum belly? You're so thin I can't trust judging by the photo.

    I really hope you get that sound machine. Fans can work too if little fingers can't get to them. (Ha!)

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  24. Love Scandal! Don't have Netflicks, so I don't know if they have it or not, but Little Bear is our 2 year olds favorite show... Maybe your kidlets will like it too?! Also for you, I recommend Up All Night, Arrested Development (which you've probably seen), and Call the Midwife. In case you can't tell, we are NOT a tv free household here! I ❤the boob tube!

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  25. The freakin' best part about this post is ... as I'm reading it (In the voice I've made up for you) I'm certain there was not one breath. Hey, look at it this way, you'll probably live to be 100 with all of the venting/vomiting you produce on this blog. Sucks don't it.. Haha!

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  26. Yes- pretty much ask anyone and thus was the week from h-e double hockey sticks. Extra hard when you're single momming it. We never got around to getting the sound machine on our registry so we just hooked an old iPhone up and play "the complete Beethoven collection" on repeat. Kid knows his symphonies now, lol.

    Also, julias braids are awesome and Im sending a fist pump for the Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm mention. Love it ;)

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  27. 1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE J's braids. Love them. I love french braids so much. Is it weird that I, at 26 years of age, still french braid my own hair? Probs.

    2. It kinda looks like Sebastian is taking a toot on poor Theo's face right there.

    3. What kinda sound machine do you use? Sometimes I've thought about getting one for... uh... me.

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  28. I just tried the little bud light lime-a-ritas. Save your taste buds.

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  29. Dora is off Netflix????!!!! No wonder we couldn't find it on there tonight!!!! Whose bright idea was that????

    I attempted my first French braid on my two year old's head today,too - but only one, and nowhere near as neat! Major props to you!!!

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  30. I second the comment above, too...Dora is free with Amazon prime! I just checked!

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  31. This post made me laugh so, so much, even though I know you probably aren't laughing. Thanks! Also, I like your header a lot, but what happened to your old/new one? I liked that, too...

    Also, I keep canned salmon for salmon cakes. Rachael Ray's recipe is good or I can give you a link to mine (which is basically hers) but that seems a little too self-promotional.

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  32. you are my hero. I have nothing to complain about after I read about your husband's work schedule. seriously. you're amazing mama!!

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  33. that was natalie above. the busy budgeting mama.

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  34. No second guessing on the ever hilarious, ever complaining posts! I absolutely love them! Because I'm more of a deep thinker/inspiration driven person people send me those other blogs all the time, but already possessing those tendencies myself, I desperately want something completely different - enter your lovely blog. Refreshing.

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  35. ditto on the sound machine- but I have to steer clear from all water related tracks or else I'm up at 3am. just the generic white noise for me! keep on keepin on with what you think are the complaining posts. you crack me up!

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  36. i have dug out a screw driver in the middle of the night more than once- to open a sound machine and fix whatever is loose with a paperclip, hot glue, you name it. those machines are IMPORTANT!!!

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  37. Yay for the braids! Boo for Netflix! And thanks to you lady, I am addicted to Ready for Love...ha! Also, Skinny Girl White Cranberry... The. Best. Hang in there (maybe with aforementioned Adult Beverage ;)

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  38. The photo of your two boys is so flipping cute! so much squishy baby in one photo:)
    So I'm just saying putting Salmon in your kids Mac and Cheese is just cruel- seriously what happened to good old fashion bacon!:)

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  39. We are also addicted to soundmachines and my husband has to have a fan going on top of it. A little ridiculous but it works for us.

    The lack of Dora threw us for a loop. They do still have it on Amazon's video streaming service if your a prime member.

    Also I just found your blog and ADORE it. I have two beasts that are 4 and 2 and nothing makes me happier then reading your report cards. I feel like the girls only get C's-F's most outings.

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  40. I LOVE sound machines! We have one for each of the kids. We don't travel with them but I always regret it. Actually, I try and pack them but Matt unpacks them telling me its just ridiculous. He's far too sane. Ok, we have been having a battle with netflix as well! What is with them just dropping shows? There are only a handful of Thomas the Tank now and OF COURSE they got rid of Ben's favorites. What are we paying for????? I have been midseason in shows and they just disappear. It would be nice if they gave us some warning. I might, just might have stayed up all night finishing the season!

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  41. Please tell me Netflix didn't kill Sammy's Adventure... Those turtles are the only thing that keep me sane on the weekends! You would think that watching a movie 5 or 6 times in a weekend would get old... but I love those turtles. I NEED those turtles! Sound machines are great... Love that someone else remembers Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm... and Bash sitting in Theo's lap? TOO cute. Hang in there!!!

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  42. OMG your sound machine is out? That would be a bigger emergency for me than the water heater. I take my double jogging stroller to the store all the time. Do you still have yours? Maybe you could take that to BB&B, put the two older kids in it, stick Theo in Baby Bjorn or similar, and throw that sound machine in the basket. And hit the Wendy's drive-thru for a Frosty on the way home!

    Also, for the future, I echo the recommendation to join Amazon Mom/Amazon Prime. Yes you have to pay, but with little kids the two-day shipping is a lifesaver, especially in situations like your sound machine sitch.

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  43. We are camping this weekend and would be driven mad one day in without our white noise app on the iPad! Two screaming littles in the woods without soothing ocean sounds=bad bad bad.

    Mini anything with alcohol in it and I'm a sucker. Also I love how cute the brothers are :) Bash looks so big! Having two boys myself I know that "snuggle" as Easton calls is :)

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  44. So that picture sequence of Sebastian and Theo needs to be in the Camp Hall of Fame or something.

    And yes...I will join in the Netflix-Dora gripe. I've forbidden everyone from even saying the word "Diego" around Jake.

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  45. Your kids are seriously, WICKED cute! When I saw the thumbnail of Julia. All I could think was " Holy smokes, Shut the front door, She let you do her hair"?

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  46. Your posts are awesome. Keep complaining. :)

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  47. A fellow sound machine devotee here. Just had to comment to say that Bed Bath and Beyond makes me crazy even without the kids in tow. With kids. No way.

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  48. I'm super sad Netflix got rid of "Yo Gabba Gabba." It was my two-year-old's favorite! I hope we can find a replacement that isn't too far over his head. He was really into "My Little Ponies" except I think the episodes are just a wee bit too long for his attention span. The afternoons are going to be pretty long around here if we can't turn on a t.v. show...

    Also, I love the sound machine. That is all.

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  49. I keep a sound machine going full blast in MY room so I can't hear my kids. Really. Of course, they are 13 and 19, so at this point, hopefully, they can mostly fend for themselves. Loved your post! You had me laughing all the way through.

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