April 17, 2013

18 April 2013

(Does that title ring any Sublime song title bells or am I crazy? I know. I crazy.)


 Yesterday circa 2:15 in the pm ...



Let's rewind a few hot minutes. I started getting the troops ready to go to Costco around 9:00 yesterday morning and we finally sailed out of the driveway at an impressive 11:58 am. The trip went relatively smoothly, there were samples galore, and the timing worked well to meet Simon for lunch. I managed to walk out pushing the cart and juggling three hot dog + soda combos while coaching Julia to NOT let go of her beloved receipt with the smiley faces because last time the wind whipped it out of her paws she had one of her more impressive emotional breakdowns. Indiana Jones does Costco? Yawn.

We met Simon and ate outside the hospital because it was 80 degrees for the first time in St. Louis in the year 2013. The kids managed to find the only small body of water within a 100 yard radius and soak much of their clothing but who cared? It was finally not freezing and my heart was starting to thaw from it's long and strong dislike for St. Louis. We got home and I mapped out a brilliant plan to avoid dying while trying to haul in the goods while fighting Sebastian to stay inside AND avoid our super chatty neighbor that can sniff out an ear faster than you can say, "selfish with my time". Clap clap!! I left the kids in the car and sprinted in and out of the house hauling groceries in and throwing them in their proper refrigerated receptacles before I went to retrieve my young. I should've been more suspicious that Sebastian was happy to just sit in his car seat while Julia performed elaborate gymnastic routines all over the seats because he normally goes into caged animal mode as soon as I park the van. I unbuckled him and he slid down and I saw the dirty damage ...

I started praying via momchant, "please don't be poop. please don't be poop. please don't be poop. please don't be poop."

Maybe he stuffed some M&M's in his diaper instead of eating them and they melted just so? Laugh.

"please don't be .... "

I did a cautious close-mouthed inhale.

"..... shit."

Poop in the heat in the car seat and all up his back and down his legs.

I ran him inside and laid him on a dinner napkin (has seen the light of the set dinner table once? will be used never again) and stripped him down praying silent prayers that the chatty neighbor wouldn't catch wind that there were humans outside to chat with and while I was scrubbing poop out of the carpet and wrangling the army of soiled wipes (Simon claimes we have different "wipe philosophies" he uses TWO no matter the damage and I use the appropriate amount which is usually 4-15) when Sebastian snuck-sprinted out of the house in only his socks. Luckily, Julia had triple back-flipped her way out of the van and had started picking the blooms off the the tulips (?? my thumbs are the color of pigment) and Sebastian decided to join her and not play j-chicken with the cars driving by.

I ushered the big kids inside and rescued poor abandoned Theodore from the car and here we were.


... fighting over whether or not they'd get to eat strawberries before naps.

(I won)

And this was a good day.

And today?

I knew you were curious. Today is a bad day because it's pouring rain and I could've sworn I saw the kitchen walls taunting me as they closed in a little tighter to get a better look at World War III: Julia vs. Sebastian over the only sippy cup they both seem to like because they hate me. Sebastian hit Theo in the face with a metal measuring cup right after he bit Julia really hard for the infinityieth time, and when I lost my cool in the face of the zillionth sippy battle Julia told me, "it's not your fault" which made me feel really mom-of-the universe-y.

Oh, I know we all have our days and I'll have a million more but TAKE ME BACK to the sunshine and shit.




33 comments:

  1. Shitty days. Great days. Even the posts where you don't talk about your days - I laugh. Grace you're a treasure, with our without mom of the universe title.

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  2. Thank you for being so brutally honest. It makes my day. Shit and all.

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  3. sunshine and shit would have been a great alternate title for this post.

    :)

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  4. Sunshine and Shit sounds like a wonderful future book title. I'll pre-order.

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  5. Those pics of Sebastian are hilarious!
    Poor Grace. I'm sorry for your Very Bad Day :(.

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  6. Nodding my head in hearty agreement. Why has the spring abandoned the Midwest?

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  7. (Before actually reading the post)
    O_o
    What is he doing to those Brussels sprouts??

    GeekLady

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    1. okay THAT made me laugh out loud which I thought was impossible in the face of today.

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  8. Is that peanut butter on his sock? LOL this too shall pass?

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  9. I'm convinced we all feel this way because this midwest weather sucks! I know in a few months we will be complaining because it is so hot and muggy but lets be honest this weather blows! Here's to sunshine and shit because we all need some!

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  10. Augh this weather has been AWFUL! Typical Missouri weather, though. Yesterday halfway through my drive home the tornado alarms went off - it was awesome. Not.

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  11. You have a gift for taking nude pictures of your kids without actually getting the goods in there. My dad needs to learn this because there are still pictures of my nephews genitals that pop up on the computer screen at Christmas and birthdays and the youngest one is 5 years old. Pretty sure those pictures will pop up at his graduation party as well. Not embarrassing at all. Thank goodness there weren't digital cameras back in my baby days.

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  12. Is it bad that I laughed through most of reading this post? I am sorry but the zillionth fight over the only sippy cup they both like!! It´s hilarious and so true.

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  13. Ahhh.. we had a shit and sunshine day as welll! 17mo dd diaper fell shit down on my foot and new flats. 4mos ds squirted mustard soup out of the bottom of his dipe onto my lap. But...we did make it to the park, which was much needed after our 3hr (usually 2) drive in the monsoon that was I70 to pick up dh from stl aitport on Tuesday. I sympathize....

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  14. I think you made a limerick in there somewhere circa paragraph 4. Complimenti.

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  15. You are awesome, like Grace Patton: patron saint of keeping it real, awesome! Your posts are often what I would like to explain to people when they ask what goes on during the day a home with my two boys. They always remind me that other moms are out there fighting the good fight, yelling across living rooms "stop biting your brother!" And still making it thru the day.

    I have to say that I share wipe philosophies with Simon though. Two will do in my book, my husband is on team the more the merrier (or the more the less poop I might accidentally touch? I'm not sure)

    Hope your day brightens up and if not there's always tomorrow?

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  16. I had no idea that you were training Sebastian to be a nude model. Nice touch with the perfect placement of the brussels sprouts. He has a future in that industry for sure. LOL!

    Ahhh sunshine and shit...you really need to stop trying to be me! We just finished day two of shit and sunshine...can't wait for tomorrow. That should bring shit, snot and sunshine! wahoo!!

    Miss Courtney and I will say a prayer for your kitchen walls to stay put and your sanity to return shortly. Please say a prayer that the human faucet (better known as my daughter) will dry up...soon!

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  17. My husband does the 2-wipe-wonder as well. What is that??

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  18. You and I have the same wipe philosophy. I buy them in bulk and I'm not trying to win any awards.

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  19. Amen. I couldn't even enjoy yesterday because I feel so betrayed by this St. Louis not-spring...

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  20. Sebastian does a much, much better job providing tasteful nudes than Ryan. Lately whenever Ryan does something photo worthy (like stuck in a book rack) and I try to capture the moment for eternity, he seems to use his weapon as a shield against me posting it online for all to see. Maybe he is smarter than I know?

    I toast to you via sippy cup.

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  21. It's not your fault......!! And although I no longer have baby wipes in the car, I am the SAME way about Lysol wipes. Whoever invented those babies is a supergenious and I love him.

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  22. Bash has more brussels than the average boy, no?

    And, now I am picturing your kids singing, "April 17, 2013. We were running in the streets; tell me where were you? You were in the house unpacking groceries, while we were participatin' in some anarchy."

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  23. Oh hell. We need to be neighbors.
    I'm fortunate that Dev is on the 4-15 (or 50!) wipe philosophy too. Worth every $$$.
    And I'm way to familiar with that momchant.
    Our Spring disappeared too. Aaand a bout of flu is going through the family again. Boo. Where is summmmmmer?? On a bright note I tried a fab self tanner that works fantastic, so I have a great tan that no one will see because it is too cold to go outside.

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    1. *too (gosh it's a pet peeve and I swear I can spell!!!)

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  24. HA! We constantly have disagreements about number of wipes to use. I'd rather be safe than sorry so I'll stick to my how ever many it takes to keep the poop off my hands thank you. PS. I like the gray links much better.

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  25. I laughed at the wipes comment. The hubs and I are the same way, but in reverse. There's a giant pile of wipes whenever he finishes changing a diaper (even just pee!), but me? I'm all about efficiency - 0-2 will do! I guess it's the German in me coming out.

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  26. Wow! We've been super lucky in avoiding carseat blowouts thus far, and the dude is 18 months old. We did suffer through a rather nasty one of the stomach-virus variety which occurred in the exersaucer, but, thank Baby Jesus, that thing was machine-washable!
    www.girlwanteditall.blogspot.com

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  27. Paige Kellerman sent me your way and I want to hug her for it. Not that I was delighting in your shit or naked kids dancing in traffic (maybe a little?), I laughed the entire time I read because I SO get it! I'll take shit and sunshine (and a naked kid with Brussels sprouts?) over frigid temps any day! Thanks for the laugh!

    ~Steph

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