Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Not opposed to organic, just opposed to lunacy

Simon has to go into work just a little bit earlier than normal on Sundays during this rotation which is really great because it makes the first "day" of work that much longer and the evenings with my charges that much more daunting/lonely/depressing/somethingbad ...

 
Like that but worse and with boring matching socks.

So this week the chief and fluent English speaker of our SAH tribe decided that we three would deviate from our usual Sunday night Target trip and pop into a different store to try to procure some almond butter to make these delights because I can't lose sugar-free steam just 5 little days into the tox. I won't tell you the store's name but ... maybe just a little teeny tiny hint ...


hopefully you're picking up what I'm throwing down ...

I know everyone love love loves Trader Joe's but I can't go in there without feeling like an elephant in a labyrinth intended for purpose driven mice. The mini-carts fit exactly one Sebastian, one Julia, and three whole organic grapes so I have to be prudent with my purchases which doesn't matter because I've gotten so many loud passive aggressive "get out the way" sighs by the time I get out of the produce section that I end up leaving before I have to worry about exceeding any cart capacities.

I don't know why I thought Jose's bigger, healthier brother would be any different. The carts were smaller (an impossible feat), the front seat where Sebastian resided was about 4 inches deep so he resembled a drunken sitting octopus swinging at and successfully hitting every single thing that came within a 3 foot radius of his eight arms (I eventually realized that no one cares about cart seat depth because I noticed that everyone wears their babies in that store ... I was the only heartless b pushing my children away from me in a glorified roofless cage), and the place reeked of naturally deodorized human. Yum. 

I eventually found the almond butter and thought I must've swallowed some crazy when I saw the price ... why don't you take a guess?


I'll wait.




Really.

Guess ...(Simon guessed $7.00 ..... WRONG)




$16.99 for a pipsqueak sized jar.

Oh, wait. That was for raw diamond encrusted almond butter. Silly me. 

I finally found a plain (cooked?) jar for a mere $6.99 but apparently I got a little distracted in our skinny little aisle of butters buzzing with 68 people filling their reusable bags with potato starch and lentils and kale straight from the barrel (?!) and had a very close call with Sebastian and many glass jars of raw honey because when I got home I realized I had actually purchased ...

something I could've procured at the layman's grocery store. fa-la-la-la-fail.

This is a total no-no on my little list but I still used it and lived to type about it. I zoomed to the checkout line and passed through the cheese section where my little narrator exclaimed that it smelled like "stinky poop!!" which was so painfully accurate that I couldn't exactly correct her candor but instead I watched helplessly as one of Sebastian's ninja swats hit one of his trillion targets. Oh, yes it did. I watched as a pyramid of gluten-free brownie bite containers went flying alllllllll over the front of the store and sent many pairs of Toms running into the wheatgrass abyss in the wake of my plight. Julia didn't skip a beat and continued her narration, "faw down!!!!" while Sebastian grew bored with my red faced flurry of attempts to restack the fallen soldiers and looked hungrily at the display of million dollar tulips that were an unsafe 6 feet away from Meduso himself. I purchased some of the bites (tasted like cardboard charcoal, as rightly suspected) that I couldn't fit back into my reconstructed pyramid (tall singular stack) and fled to where I belonged ...

the land of the luxuriously large cart and plastic jar-o-poison.


A land I'll never cheat on ever, ever, ever, ever again.
Former hippy's honor.

78 comments:

  1. hahaha "sent many pairs of TOMS running" awesome-ness. My mom always talks about how the "hippies" at their whole foods are mean! They'll run you down for whatever organic product the desperately need!

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  2. LOVED this! You always come through for a much needed laugh!

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  3. "I was the only heartless b pushing my children away from me in a glorified roofless cage" Damn Grace, you've outdone yourself. Somebody get this woman a paid writing gig, stat.

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  4. jar-o-poison..hilarious. Your wit and humor keeps me coming back for more.
    I had a toddler knock over cases of pop with at least 25 pop cans bursting forth and rolling down the isle. He was still wearing his pj's in the afternoon because of pj-day at school and the horror of the glares that I might just be one of "those" mothers.

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  5. Grace, I am also doing a sugar free detox, but I feel like those almond butter cups would somehow be cheating. They are too good.

    Also, I used to be a whole foods hater, but honestly their produce is waaaaay better than TJ's and somehow because I knows it's expensive I'm very careful and end up spending less money! Also the weird smell julia smelled was the whole food sausage. I don't know what they use, but it has a very distinct, slightly poopy, slightly BO smell to it.

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    1. ha! if you think THOSE are cheating .. I'm super embarrassed to post my first week's log tomorrow ... lots of cheats.

      And so do you think Costco's produce is of comparable quality to WF? Hope so. Won't return till they upgrade the cart size or offer childcare.

      Delete
    2. ooo, I can't wait to see your log. I should have done one. Maybe next week. If I make it till then...

      Annnnd I definitely dig Costco produce, I just always seem to let the spinach rot before I finish the container. Also if you love whole foods don't let kids be the obstacle. Show up all those crunchy baby wearers and show up with both kids jammed in this: http://www.rei.com/product/810853/deuter-kid-comfort-iii-child-carrier,-black/stone?preferredSku=8108530018&cm_mmc=cse_froogle-_-pla-_-product-_-8108530018&mr:trackingCode=D1A84D29-B833-E011-B97A-001B21631C34&mr:referralID=NA&%7Bcopy:s_kwcid%7D=&mr:adType=pla&gclid=CPuyl4XM47ICFcid4AodhCMAVQ

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  6. Leaving my first comment ever, finally, because this is just too good to pass up. The image of a "drunken sitting octopus" made my day!

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  7. We have a natural foods store in town which, if you can believe it, is even MORE pretentious than Whole Foods and Trader Joe's. I kind of can't stand shopping there, even though I did quite a bit of shopping there for the wretched low iodine diet. I have a fundamental problem with people that shop solely at Trader Joe's and Whole Foods: Just because it is labeled organic doesn't make your frozen pizza any healthier or moral than Red Baron's, people.

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  8. Love it. We went to Whole Foods recently because we had a gift certificate, and we made sure to wear our 4-month-old in the Bjorn to make sure we fit in. ;) (Yes, we had an explicit conversation about it, lol.)

    And we ended up spending more than our certificate since everything is so RIDICULOUSLY expensive.

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  9. This is hilarious. "many pairs of Toms" bahaha. Thank you.

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  10. Whole Foods is the worst. Sometimes, I like to take all the kids there just as an act of mortification.
    Next time, I'm taking Julia, Bashy and you with me- as added penance.
    And comic relief.

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  11. I've never commented on your blog before but felt inspired by this post. I hope you've seen this outstanding video on the trials of Whole Foods shopping from the parking lot to checkout. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UFc1pr2yUU Thanks for the laughs, Grace. Keep 'em coming!

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    1. ah! thanks for reminding me ... love it. ha!

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  12. Crying...simply crying. Do you have to purchase organic if you wear your baby? I am all about the Moby Wrap but my potato starch comes directly from the potato itself and the only thing that would make kale and lentils sound less appetizing is the description of the smells. I don't think the words stinky poop and deodorized humans has ever made a more vom worthy statement than in this very post. Keep em coming!

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  13. Is it a requirement that all health food stores must be small, cramped, and crowded? We have an organic market in the hippy town not too far away from my college campus... I went once and knocked over pretty much every glass jar in sight with my backback. I can only imagine the damage if I'd had a buggy.

    On another note, your wit is so enviable. You could definitely write some of the funniest books known to man.

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    1. when Sebastian was 4 seconds old I took him in the Bjorn and knocked over a display of red wine --- absurd.

      you are FAR too kind ... don't tempt me to punish the literary world.

      Delete
  14. I can SO relate to this post! Haha. I have never let the small(er) carts at Trader Joe's bother me, but I don't currently have babes to bebop around in them either. However, the prices at Whole Foods just about made up for what the colace lacks!

    www.domesticatedworkingwoman.blogspot.com

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  15. I suppose it wouldn't be helping if I let you know that when I tried to do a sugar detox, I called it quits a mere five days later, in a snuggly menage a trois: Ben, Jerry, and me?

    But then again, I was pregnant at the time. Oh wait.

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  16. You had me at "...in a labyrinth intended for purpose driven mice." Oh, and our WF sells Toms now, in case you're not wearing any during your shopping trip. :)

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  17. I went to Whole Foods AND Trader Joe's today. (Not kidding.) Does that make me the worst? :P I should mention that my 2 year old threw a whole container of really expensive organic grapes all over the floor at Whole Foods. But that sort of thing would happen anywhere, so, not Whole Food's fault. And then a very nice employee came to my rescue and helped clean up the grapes. And then I spent all our money that we will ever make, but it was worth it because that organic cabbage is going to be SO GOOD.

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    1. maybe that employee needs to give lessons to the Sunday employees that turned many blind eyes when the brownies flew everywhere.

      and of course it makes you the worst .... ha.

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  18. Agree! This whole post is so true and so funny! I have to shop at health food stores about once a both because I have a gluten allergy but I hate it so much (the people, the prices, the skinny aisles and carts) that I literally buy 5-6 loaves of gf bread and freeze them so I don't have to go too often. The check out people always look at me weird but oh well!

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  19. I kind of hate you for living so close to a Trader Joes. But that's another story.

    Whole Foods is ridiculously overpriced, isn't it? You almost expect someone to jump out from behind a shelf and shout, "Candid Camera!"

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  20. i hate whole foods. give me the Joe's any day lol. maybe they're just used to me and my posse storming the place. i'm in this awkward phase where i am wearing one kid, pushing another in the cart, and constantly admonishing the walking kid to "watch out! stay close! pay attention!! look where you are going!" rock on

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  21. I wonder if the price-jack isn't because of the recall? (see here if you live under a rock: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-204_162-57523769/us-peanut-butter-recall-expands-to-more-stores-including-whole-foods-target/) Sometimes they jack up prices when there's about to be a shortage on peanut butter????

    We are getting a new Whole Foods (bigger! stronger! Faster!) but right now ours' is housed temporarily in a teeny tiny old Hallmark store. I love it here because it's SO SMALL that I don't feel stupid. I also like to imagine I'm back in London frequenting the small Marks and Spencer's markets instead of a giant chain. No doubt I'll be irritated with our GIANT WF when it opens up. :) And they don't sell Pillsubry chemical, I mean crescent rolls at WF.

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    1. you know I live under a rock.

      if my butter is tainted .... I'll die. (lit and fig)

      Delete
  22. When Mike and I first got married, we decided we would shop at Whole Foods because we told ourselves that we would rather spend money on food than future health care. After two months of religiously shopping at Whole Paycheck, we figured out we were spending...wait for it...$1500 a month on groceries for TWO PEOPLE! And, I hadn't had a Hostess cupcake in 60 days.

    So, off to ye olde Walmart we went where we now proudly spend $300 a month on groceries for 3 + one uterus dweller. This means we have money leftover for late night Taco Bell runs and visits to the emergency room when we inevitably die from common folk poisoning. We all know Whole Foods is peeing in the water in that main- up-stream.

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  23. Check Costco for almond butter. The one we went to in WA carried Maranatha almond butter with no additives. Our Sam's carries the same brand but with added sugar and oil.

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  24. But that's my family's favorite peanut butter (the one Basher is holding)?!?!? And it says "Natural" so I'm deeming it healthy. Please don't tell me otherwise. I almost gagged when I read about the "naturally deoderized humans". You have a gift, my dear.

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  25. We don't have a trader joe's or whole foods near us. And is that a black painted nail I spy?

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    1. it's actually called "Little Brown Dress" but Simon just calls it "black permanent marker" -- so yes.

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  26. Not to make your totally crap-tastic day any worse - but did you check the recall list for peanut butter? I just saw this morning that it had expanded to include Whole Foods items - peanut and other-nut spreads. I only mention it bc I of course had stocked up on PB and nut-things and then had to review said list to make sure I wasn't giving my brood food born illness. Good times.

    My husband likes to call that store Whole Wallet.

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  27. Oh my goodness! Just stop! My side hurts, my cheeks hurt, it's just too much. So damn funny.

    P.S. I disabled my robot comment blocker (for you and your cool friends) and was kindly delivered 3 invitations to try some walnuts, sign up for a pay day loan, and purchase some phentermine. So... I'm really glad I did that.

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  28. Super random, I've read for awhile but (I don't think) ever commented. We went to school together waaaay back in the Gallup Catholic days, I am Daniel's ago. Any-long-winded much-way, I pretty much cried when I read this post. HILARIOUS. And those people who strap their babies to themselves while the walk those tiny, over-priced, aisles are the disturbed ones. Their babies feet and hands touch random strangers (ME!) and they don't even notice!

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  29. I live in Southern California but am not originally from here and while I hail from Scandinavia (known to everyone as the holy grail of all things organic, baby-wearing and outdoorsy active in freezing temperatures, right?) I was shocked to find out how MEAN hippies really are! All that weed and surfing and saving the world somehow still makes them no chirpier than your regular run of the mill ground to the bones stay-at-home mom. The looks, the passive-agressive sighs, the outright mean comments when they don't like something. Gosh, self-entitled much?!

    Anyhow, I shop at Trader Joe's for organic and precious foods for my wee one and have actually discovered that there are certain things that are MUCH cheaper in TJ's than anywhere else. For instance: Von's, Target etc sell those McCormick pepper grinders, right? Price? Around 8.99 a jar. In my humble opinion - outrageous, but I like my pepper freshly ground and I do not want a permanent pepper grinder (they get clogged, I do not want to clean them). Same type of pepper (or organic himalayan salt, if you wish) grinder at TJ's? 1.99!!! Yes, ONE dollar, 99 cents. AND the salt and pepper grinders are actually refill-able. So, if you happen to break a grinder (may or may not have happened) then you can carefully pick through the debries and fill your new one once it starts emptying out. Ridiculous, I say! Not to mention the things that are in generic brand apple sauce or ketchups... Anyway - just wanted to say that do not give up on Trader Joe's (I have never shopped at Whole Foods, so I do not know that shop) just yet. We need more people like you in there, so the place gets a little bit humbler. I am trying to be the thorn in the California hippies' side. :)

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    1. oh, wow. thanks for letting me know! I need to figure out a time to go where I don't inevitably get into 5 fender benders in the teeeeeeeeeeny tiny overflowing parking lot ...

      I am partial to their pizza sauce and coffee.

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    2. Yes, their coffee IS good. It seems to be the only place I have found to carry beans that taste a little bit like the European ones - we like our roast much lighter.

      And I do not know what it is but every time I go to TJ's the parking lot is nearly at capacity. Whereas when I go to leave the place is empty... I dare not think further about what might be the reason.

      I have never tried the pizza sauce but I do buy their spinach and feta cheese frozen spanakopitas for my little girl to munch on. They're not deep fat fried (baked instead) and I keep telling her they are cookies. Goes down oh so easily with plenty of goodness inside.

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    3. Butting in as another SoCal contingent to gripe about the parking lot situation. You can't SPIT without hitting a TJ's in West LA and yet the parking lots are ALWAYS crammed. Our neighborhood TJs commonly has THREE parking attendants working.

      Our biggest grocery item from there is cheap wine. Where does one go for cheap wine if not TJs?

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  30. Yep, you should write a book. This was hilarious! I've been to WF once and that was enough.

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  31. Ha! This is fabulous. Well, not your experience, but the retelling and the fact that you're not blessing and bowing down to THE Whole Foods. The town of South Bend has been in an uproar because we're finally GETTING ONE!!! I am sure I will never enter.

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  32. I just love your posts. The detailed play by plays ... Love!
    http://www.randomthoughtsandfeelings1.blogspot.com

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  33. They have almond butter at Target. I also am one of those baby wearers otherwise there is no room in the cart. Lol.

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    1. tried to respond via email but your email address is not linked to your profile. sorry!

      I've looked at ours ... no almond butter. bummer.

      and I love to wear babies but Sebastian weighs 28 pounds and that doesn't mix well with the in utero baby -- too bad.

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  34. I prefer tjs though to wf. Much much less expensive and lots of organics.

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  35. i buy from their bulk bin! it's around $7! does yours not have it?

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  36. This post is hilarious. I haven't been to WF since the time I paid $6 for 1 avocado.

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  37. "many pairs of Toms..." SNORT!!!!

    I chuckled all the way through this post!

    My husband travels frequently and your posts remind me of the times when my kids (now 9 and 8) were little and I would dread him being gone. I would even dread it when he worked late. It made the long days seems so much longer! I feel your pain. I'm a new reader here so I don't know all of your specifics but all I can say is that I found great relief by joining a MOPS group. Misery loves company!

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  38. i found your blog last week and I think you are hilarious. Thanks for the real writing and not just one million photoshopped pictures like so many blogs I like have turned into. My husband is in his last year of undergrad and then we are hopefully moving onward for 7+ years of medical school/residency. I can't decide if you are terrifying me or making me excited :)

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  39. I was just in Whole Foods with my kids last week! I have to say, I always feel like such a trespasser...but love every minute of imagining what life would be like to afford the stuff in there ;) I took my kids around to each station and showed them the elaborate set-ups and the beautiful mounds of chocolate. Those are my fav. But other than that, it was just another grocery trip...paying way too much for a bottle of prenatals with two toddlers in tow. I'm sure we got a few looks...

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  40. You are hysterical :) And that almond butter is ridiculously priced. You could buy a cuisinart, a bag of raw almonds, make your own almond butter and still have a dollar leftover to buy the jelly topper.

    I gave my son nursemaid's elbow in a natural foods store. I was trying to pull him out of the insanely tiny cart. That'll teach me not to wear my 3-year-old...

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  41. You are SOOOOOO funny, and the pics of your kids are PRECIOUS! They are soooo cute! Keep writing Grace Marie! I LOVED those days of little kids, and you remind me about the fun (and work) about them. I love that you keep it real.

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  42. BTW, I failed the tutorial. I don't mind you having my e-mail address (if I can reach you, you should be able to reach me), but I have not blogged in ages, and I do not know how to get to my dashboard! Is there another way I could get the info to you???

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    1. With you on the failing the tutorial! I tried 1839r48 times to unblock my email address to no avail. not one avail! :)

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  43. There's a Whole Foods that opened up near my parents' house a few years ago. I had to stop there for diaper wipes on one of my trips to see them and my mom and I were joking about how any diaper wipes sold there were probably made from yak fur and had soaps that were probably made from the happy tears of flowers.

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  44. Thanks for another great laugh! This definitely made me think of the Whole Foods Parking Lot video which I see another reader recommended you check out again. My friend, who sometimes shops at Whole Foods has come to call it "Whole Foods, Whole Paycheck" which isn't far from the truth. You're a very brave woman to have ventured into such a skinny aisle, hippy store with children in tow and a reasonable price tag in mind. My sister works at Whole Foods, and I'm sure she would have been thoroughly amused by your escapades, as long as she didn't have to pick up the leaning tower of brownies.

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  45. Love this post. Was having a super crappy day (ever have an 'i-better-be-pregnant-because-there-is-no-other-acceptable-reason-for-the-number-on-the-scale-to-be-THISMUCH-higher-than-YESTERDAY kind of day? yeah- me tres, today.) and you just made it an ounce better. I wonder if an ounce of 'better' means I can subtract an ounce from the # on the scale.. ponder.
    On another note, I have frequently wondered why TJ's is not only the smallest store in the universe, but the fact that they strategically place them at LEAST 370 miles apart for maximum hippy-gathering at any given second.
    Keep writing. This is the highlight of my day.
    -janeen.richardson911@gmail.com ... because I STILL can't figure out how to fix that link.

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  46. Another vote for "many of pairs of Toms" to be placed at the tippy-top of your top 10 most hilarious things ever said!

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  47. Oh my goodness!! I don't suppose it makes it better, but if you had to have such an experience, I'm so glad you decided to share it with us! Hilarious! I have another option around here, still a lot of natural deodorant-type hippies, but I usually go in there after a good, sweaty workout, so the joke's on them. It's much cheaper and less pretentious than WF, so I'm a big fan of that, but I can't speak to their cart size.

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  48. Former lurker/stalker, now outing myself. :) So funny, you just got yourself FB-shared. :)

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  49. Who knew Wichita was so great, right? Sure, I knew 24 different daily Mass options in a 10 mile radius was rare-- but spacious parking lots and a Dillions on every corner? Never thought I'd miss them so much. And our grocery chain here in Pittsburgh is practically more overpriced than Whole Foods, so I go to the hippy store. It's the carseat PLUS Ergo combo that gets me through. I do get a semi-pathetic smile for pushing her around in her carseat (because it does take up the whole upper cart), but then I whip out the Ergo out of my diaper bag and strap her on, and then fill her carseat (deeper than the normal cart!) with groceries, and then, I win. Or at least I tell myself so.

    PS- Our Target here has it's own parking garage underneath. With two escalators: one for humans and one for carts. Really, I never should go anywhere else... but how do you not end up with dollar section items and spending tooooo long trying on everything in the clearance section? Decisions, decisions.

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  50. Oh Grace, I laughed and I cried. You're amazing and a beacon to scrambling red-faced mothers everywhere.

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  51. ohmygosh do you have to give up coffee for this detox too??? there's no way I could do that...I'm pretty sure I get my entire DRV of sugar juuuust in my daily cup o' joe :)

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  52. Bahahaha!! Nailed it! Boston is an incredibly snooty place so obviously EVERYONE very snootily shops at Whole Foods. I just don't get it! I mean, yes, the produce is visibly better and they have absolutely everything you could ever want in the most healthiest gluten/dairy/sugar/poison free way but the prices!!!!! We could afford to shop there if we were ok with having no money in savings and never buying a house. Trader Joe's and Stop N'Shop (oh the horrors!) it is then!

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  53. This was hysterical! I do "shop," occasionally, at Whole Foods, but the prices really are outrageous when you can get the exact same thing elsewhere. $5 for a pint of ice cream? $4 for a little container of puffs for the baby? No thank you. I say "shop," because it's really just a "pick up a couple of things randomly while eating there" kind of shopping. My favorite thing to do there is to EAT. Their hot bar is amazing and the same price as eating at Wegmans (for those of you on the East coast).

    Loved this post!

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  54. We don't have Trader Joe's or whole foods, but our organic market is called EVER'MAN...not sure what the ' is for because obviously EVERYMAN can't afford to shop there either! I won't cheat on tar-jay either...although I should limit my lunch break trips bc the check-out man knows me on a first name basis now (as I buy candy for my desk which = major fail if I tried the sugar fast)

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  55. We no longer live in a land of TJ and WF (but Walmart Supercenters are just, plural, are only 5 miles apart on the same road...) but I am reminded of how I hated them!! Especially the cashier named Fig who always really loved whatever cheese I was buying. And he wore Toms.

    I laughed, I cried, please continue to write the things I'm secretly thinking!!

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  56. Ha Ha! This is so me, in every store, but WF is the worst. Living in the Wichita, I would be in heaven getting to peruse the aisles of Trader Joe's, even if all 4 of my kiddos were with me.
    Have you ever heard of Azure Standard? It is a buying club for natural foods, and is not weird at all. It is a "mother of young children" delight because you order online (and their almond butter isn't $16!), then you meet the food truck about a week later in town, and the food is all there, in nicely packaged boxes with your name on it and you don't even have to take the kids out of the car! I love it.
    And really, who doesn't love a food truck?

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  57. OK, I love that reading all the comments is almost as entertaining as your original ingenious post! Almost. The whole thing is brilliant! Hahaha!

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  58. omg i just read this. whole foods is seriously SO ridiculous. who do they think they are charging $16 for a jar of peanut butter? Once I brought Reed there, he wanted to die. It's awful.

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  59. Love this post, and the comments too! My husband works for a competitor grocery chain so I will keep my comments to myself, because I don't shop anywhere else.... Wink.

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  60. In case you aren't aware, or someone hasn't told you lately--you are a fantastically funny writer! I thoroughly enjoyed reading about your jaunt to WF (I don't have one where I live; we have Fresh Market and EarthFare which are similar.) I totally agree about the prices (and the stinky poop cheese, haha!) Glad you got some variety though from SAH atmosphere. Hope today is better, and enjoy the weekend with Simon, if he gets to have a weekend that is!

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  61. Haha just read this post and it really made me laugh.

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  62. Haha just read this post and it really made me laugh.

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  63. Haha just read this post and it really made me laugh.

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  64. Sorry didn't mean to post that twice! Didn't realize I was logged in to my husbands account!

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  65. Never read anything funnier!! Such a great start to my day! Thank you. :)

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