Tuesday, August 28, 2012

24 hours of bored

More of the same monotony around here. Things started getting yawny yesterday when Tweedle Smart and Tweedle Smarter took turns pumping out a healthy amount of the 44 ounce bottle of shampoo all over themselves and the (will it always be that slippery now?) bathroom floor. Fine. Not their finest work and at least the bathroom smelled fresh and weirdly clean. Then I tried and failed to keep my eyes open when Julia stripped down to do one of her signature ninja deposits of that's! not! chocolate!!! behind her bedroom door next to her worthless little bowless potty. While I was busy polishing off my daily tub of straight cream cheese a mere 1.5 rooms away but before I could sniff out the flowery aroma Sebastian found it and guess what he did? He did. He ate the shit (is it less offensive if it's in a smaller font? I think it is). He ate it and he liked it and when I found him he was alllllll kinds of upset when I dragged (touching as little of his shit-covered person as possible) him into the bath - or maybe he was just a little stunned over all the new words I was loudly shouting at him and the ninja pooper who suddenly seemed verrrrrry preoccupied with her innocent naked prance-jig she was pounding out on the kitchen floor.  I don't know but Simon said not to worry -- the shit will just come out in his diaper. Do you hear me laughing? No, no you do not because it was not funny.

Enter today's clean slate.

when was this? oh yes, the calm before the storm.

We got things going on all trillion cylinders when Julia went up to see Sebastian (like she always does! every single day!) in his portacage and she fell allllllllllll the way down the stairs. And before she could even start the piercing screams her mouth and nose were immediately gushing blood. It became instantly apparent that she had reopened her former mouth wound and liquid seeped out and dribbled down her chin all over again when she turned to the comfort and solace of her addictabottle. I slapped the liquid bandage on without fainting and got her nose to stop bleeding while putting on her beloved Dora and I only called Simon 56 times before he picked up and didn't murder me for breaking the cardinal 'don't call Simon at work unless someone is absolutely DYING' rule. I would probably rate my performance as a whole: A- ... to be perfectly humble and honest. She recovered about 36 hours faster than last time and we still made it to the grocery store with minimal talk of "boobies" and "happened?" and "tynawl?". We made it out relatively unscathed with only four up-down-glares from strangers as Sebastian inhaled and regurgitated the better part of his free M&M cookie (fine, cookies - plural) all over his shirt and the cashier laughing heartily and waving away the ID I offered to prove my maturity when paying for the 4-pack of mini bottles of Moscato.

But there is a sparkly sliver lining in the form of a gleaming white (with minimal door dings) minivan in our driveway. I know. The same-age-as-a-first-grader wagon should and does wipe alllll my woes away. It has all the bells and whistles (two sliding doors! ice cold A/C! an AM/FM radio!) and after driving around in the little pellet of a Jetta all week the monstrosity of a mini feels like a semi-truck or maybe a spaceship. I love it. We offered the owner a significant amount less than he was asking and he quickly countered with a figure 2 hundo lower than our offer. Sold! As long as you throw in a lesson on how to haggle, kind sir. 

And now I'm eying my 4-pack and hoping for some excitement and post-nap dramedy because, like I said, things have been a little monotonous around here lately.


59 comments:

  1. Grace...I just want to give you and those kiddos a big, BIG hug. Seriously. What a day....

    Oh, and I seriously laughed and then almost cried in my serious hormonal state. I lied. I just might have cried for you.

    Tomorrow will be a better day, I am sure of it ;)

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  2. I can super relate, though not to the poop-eating. Yesterday when the girls should have napped, they instead got out every toy and book they could reach. Then Clarissa proceeded to pee ALL over the room, including the toys and books. Keep your kids in cribs forever. Do not buy into the toddler bed b.s. Oh, and I envy the potential for boobie talk at the grocery store. I would prefer it to the girls shouting, "Poop again!" during mass every.single.Sunday without fail.

    I hope your day gets less monotonous and a little happier.

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  3. He. Did. Not.
    Grace, I don't even know what to say. Here's to hoping the kids want to do nothing but hang out, strapped down, in the novel new minivan for hours on end with relatively little incidence. You deserve monotany, my friend.

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  4. NO. no no no no no. not the chin wound. not all this shit! i can't believe it! can we throw them back to the tomato plant?!

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  5. oh.he.did.not.

    THAT is a story to hold over sebastian's head for years and years to come.

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  6. I don't have kids but I freaking love Moscato. Hope your day gets better!

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  7. Ok, I'm laughing so hard only because I literally just stopped crying from all the crap the twins have pulled today. I can admit it; I'm a weepy, pathetic prego right now. After the baby lotion all over everything upstairs, the peeing on my bed, the brown sugar spread all over the kitchen counters, floor and strainer, the giant bottle of Poweraid spilled underneath the table while I was cleaning up the brown sugar, and only getting a slightly better settlement from the insurance company... I have to laugh at your day...because there's no rational explanation for these children. None.

    Oh yeah, my daughter pooped on my bed last night. Thought I'd throw that in there.

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  8. Ick. And Yuck. And omgosh. I am so over the pity party I was throwing myself about 2.5 min ago. How in hades did Sebastian find the pile in all of Hell's half acre before you did? I could totally handle the poop eater over the blood gusher though. Good grief. How long before you can partake in serious alcoholic therapy and are you counting the seconds yet?

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    1. P.S. Are the beautiful roses on the table for your big anniversary? :) Lovely!

      http://hayshousemisadventures.blogspot.com/

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  9. Those 4 for $5 tiny moscato bottles have been my sanity lately too.

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  10. oh. my. god.

    i cannot believe he did that. and, i did not laugh at Simon's joke out of solidarity for you. not funny, Simon! well, it'll make for some good blackmail when he's older! ;)

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  11. That. sounds. HORRID. That would warrant a forced second nap-time in this house. Thank God for cribs and portacages.

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  12. I just snorted coffee out my nose. Literally. My children are prancing around asking me what's so funny. I'm laughing so hard I can't answer. Oh.my!!! That is definitely one I've never had before! Glad you got a van!

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  13. I have got to know: did you by Hussein's "working good running smooth perfect ingin" van?

    http://chalayn.blogspot.com/

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  14. Oh. My. Goodness. I just died of the laugh.

    And congrats on the new bebe! I cannot believe you held onto that info for nearly 20 weeks. Holy crap! I am the loser that tells everyone as soon as the second little pink like pops up on the pee stick.

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  15. Wow.

    So, should I wait to potty train my kid until he's, like, 37?

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  16. Eeeeww!! Lurker here who's never commented but todays post seriously made me throw-up-in-my-mouth a little and I decided that was worth commemorating with a comment.. I don't know what to say, I have 4 little monsters and I've never had the pleasure of either of those delights you got to experience. All I can say is you've got some rockin' karma.
    I do appreciate the mini van lovin tho
    Nora

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  17. Oh. em. geeeee. I laughcry for you. How did you not barf??

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  18. When I was a new mom I thought I was all kinds of clever for letting my 9 month old play naked in his bedroom (behind a baby gate, natch) while i ran his bath--he'll air out his skin! So healthy!--and then my husband came home and I ran downstairs to greet him like a good wife and when I got back upstairs to turn off the bathwater I heard my 9 month old wailing...he had pooped on. the. cream.colored.carpet. Played it in, and then, because he chewed on his hands constantly, put his poop-covered hands in his mouth and was dismayed that it was not as comforting nor as tasty to chew on his hands as he remembered.

    Sometimes when my 12 year old is being a little too know-it-all for his own good, I ask him if he wants me to tell him the story about the grossest thing he ever did. And he always says, "OH YES PLEASE" and I wonder if he'll say that at his wedding when I stand up and say, "Hey, want to hear the grossest thing the groom ever did as a baby?!"

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  19. I hate to admit how hard I laughed at this because I know I would not only have cried, but probably also barfed had I come on that scene. I can only imagine as my little guy is just a bit younger than (and about the same build as) Sebastian, but without the older ninja pooping sibling(knock on wood the four-legged resident still seems to have things under control enough to do her business outside). And I thought my day was rough getting a citation from the Brentwood police for 2-month-old expired tags, making me late for the kiddo's appointment at Portrait (aka Wallet-Emptying) Innovations!

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  20. I thought Ellen spreading yogurt all over my windows this morning was bad. This is worse, I guess.

    Grace, you're my mommy hero. I don't even know how to handle one sometimes, but you're going on three and still keeping it hilare.

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  21. This almost made me pee my pants laughing. By almost I mean pretty much.

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    1. i owe you forever and a day for introducing me to cp! <3

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    2. right? I owe you for your shirts I'm using in my fabric stash, so debt canceled.

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  22. Yep, the 'definitely not funny' episodes were quite the opposite...thanks for the laughs! And the smaller font definitely makes it okay :)

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  23. Is the wine for Simon when he gets home so you can drink it vicariously through him? Or are you of the opinion that it is acceptable to consume a moderate amount of alcohol while pregnant?

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    1. I'm of the opinion that it's cowardly to post comments under the anon cloak.

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    2. A. It's completely acceptable to have moderate amounts of alcohol (especially wine), during the 2nd and 3rd trimester of pregnancy. Research that online. B. Moscato has a lower alcohol content than regular wine. Research that online as well. C. Simon is an OBG - don't you think he might say something if it WASN'T okay? And finally, D. Cari is correct - great bravado criticizing while posting anonymously.

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    3. I apologize, I did not mean to sound rude, it was a serious question. I totally had/loved wine during the latter stages of all four of my pregnancies.

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    4. anon -- I'm with you -- but don't tell anyone.

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  24. Just snorted and laughed so hard!!! Laughing for you until you can laugh, too. And you will. Holy cow does Julia have some serious blackmail when she gets older....."Sebastian, eat **it, oh NVM you already did!". Hang in there, at least you've got a little swagger wagon now....

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  25. Oh my... What a little sick-o Sebastian is. I'm going to be totally honest with you, I told my coworker this story and her response was, "How did she clean that up without vomiting?"

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  26. So I read this at work and I was laughing SO HARD!!! Thankfully, my office mate was taking a nap on the floor with her headphones in (it happens sometimes, I promise I do work in a real office and not at a daycare) so no one heard me, but I just couldn't stop!

    I also feel like I should apologize for laughing at the excitement of your life, but I guess I'm not really sorry... If I could entertain you with my exciting closed-off-office life, I totally would return the favor.

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  27. yesterday, my lovely 9 month old pooped right through his 'guaranteed' heavy 'dooty' luvs diapers which went unnoticed until hubby picked him up and got it on his hand... said hubby then proceeded to walk (run) to the bathroom and toss his cookies. kudos on surviving the poopscapades.. imagine how simon would have handled it :)

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    1. totally thought i was already providing my email. turns out, i was wrong (like never aka always). jabowman911@yahoo.com

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  29. Oh Grace, that is just so... I don't know what to say because I can't stop laughing. We have had gems like: kid poops on the floor and then someone else steps in it and tracks it around the house. or: "I feel sick!" followed up with a serious puke into a drawer full of toys (this was a kid, not an adult to clarify). Or my other child will sense vomit coming and then sprint around through the house in panic, spraying puke everywhere. "Stop running!" is all I can shout as I chase after him. But poop in the mouth takes the cake.

    You are the true unsung hero of the day for posting this woe and letting us all laugh. Bless you kind woman.

    Heather

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  30. PS: I accidentally posted via another family member's account ShirleyNewLife, realized and then deleted it. Sorry. Computer confusion abounds.

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  31. i can't really lol cause the sweetest little babe is currently resting her head against my chest but HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

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  32. I think the Sebastian situation would have caused me to vomit, pass out in said pool of vomit, come to while lying in vomit, vomit again, and repeat the cycle until my husband got home from work.

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  33. Oh Grace, it DOES get better! I'm so sorry for your day. The toddler years are very tiring! You are a FAR better writer than I am and I run to your blog daily. These years DO pass and believe it or not, you will miss them! I know - sounds impossible, but it's so true. Give the snickerdoodles a hug and hold them while they are little. Keep writing - you are AMAZING!

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  34. So glad you went for and used the s-word, that was certainly a story worthy of the usage, if I've ever read one.
    Seriously, the entire day sounds fake and the fact that I know that it is not makes me that much happier that you have Moscato to comfort yourself. I hope tomorrow is better!

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  35. Dying. Dying. Dying! What the heck is up with the poop?????????????????? Why? I don't understand. If I have to clean that child's poop off the carpet one more friggin time, I'm gonna buy a new house and move into it. Alone.

    And the part about him countering at some # LESS than what you had offered? Totally made my day!

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  36. Somebody give the troll a drink and tell it to go back under the bridge from whence it came.

    Listen, Grace, as hard as I laughed, please know that I've had/still have those days and I said a little prayer that the rest of your week goes a teeny bit smoother.

    Enjoy the new "cool car"!! ;)

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  37. I loooove reading your blog. I feel like you are writing about my life! I walked in on my son eating a big fat turd one day. Didn't know if I should call the ped or poison control! Seriously though, you need to do some baby proofing because it's only a matter of time before there is a serious injury. Get some stair gates and put post its all over the bathroom saying to close the door. Kids can poison themselves if they drink shampoo.

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  38. Ah, Em up there, the posties are a great idea but after a while you just see them, not SEE them, and then you forget all over again. :)

    Grace, you make me feel a little better about my three monkeys because I have yet to meet anyone with kids as mischievous as mine. I think yours are.

    A few mornings ago my almost 2 year old son had diarrhea in his undies at 6am- 3 hours before we get up. He woke my husband, who took him by the hand and made him walk alllll the way through our room, down two flights of stairs, through the kitchen, dining room and living room before picking him up, depositing him in the bathtub, and coming back to wake me. I followed a trail of little poop dollops through the house to find the boy, wash him up and tuck him back into bed in a diaper. Then I got to make carpet shampoo water and spot scrub my carpets at 6:30 am. Husband was back in bed snoring by this time, and he made sure to wake me all cheerful and peppy at 9 sharp. Definitely the best morning of my week.

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  39. My worst nightmare! How did you not vomit all over the hot chocolate and "poophead"?! (Yes I just called your kid a poophead heh heh heh) Congrats on the minivan!

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  40. That poopisode is the WORST thing that could happen short of actual maiming, dismemberment, or death. I don't know how you handled that WHILE PREGNANT.

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  41. Oh my...brings back memories...Everyone else's child was potty trained and mine was pulling Julia's left and right--up and down--I thought the little potty books would help, I thought the poop fairy would swoop in, only time and lots of it..I was beginning to wonder if he'd be able to start kindergarten. Feeling for you Grace...maybe a beautiful pink key ring to the precious bathroom.

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  42. I didn't read the other comments (again) (I'm consistent in some things) and wanted to definitely wish you a more peaceful day today, but also wanted to point out the roses (!) in the background of your photo... I count that as silver lining, too. :)

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  43. The shit-eating is traumatic. My son ate my daughter's poop and I could not even believe the injustice of having to deal with it all. It is definite martyr-making material. I had always thought that I would never get a dog because they eat their own poop, but really, isn't that better than eating someone else's poop? I say yes.

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    1. My two year old once pulled off his training pants in the middle of the night, pooped, and smeared it all over his bed, then cried to get us up and clean him. After doing so, we collapsed back into bed, only to be roused by him vomiting and crying--and the vomit smelled like poop. It was disgusting. When I asked him if he ate his own poop he said, "Yeah, why not?"

      Conclusion: Kids are gross.

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  44. 5 kids in, and not one has ever touched, smeared, or eaten poop. What am I doing wrong?

    ;)

    I don't know how you stay sane. The Martin Family rosary tonight will be for the Patton Family!!! Hope it helps.

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  45. Oh, Grace! I really have nothing else to say.
    I'm sorry! I can't even imagine. How do you make it so funny? Talent, sheer talent. Thank you, you made my locking myself out of my car at QT today and being saved by a very nice policeman today seem like a treat.

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  46. This is the funniest thing I've ever read. I've actually read it multiple (we won't mention how many) times now making my former stalk-grace-creeper self just that much creepier. I love your blog.

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  47. I think that I blocked out the majority of this blog post, save for the part where you got a new van! Congratulations! May it remain accident (of ALL variety) free.

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  48. I cannot even imagine what you went through.

    Don't you love a person with great negotiating skills? When we put in the offer for our house they countered at 9k lower. I'll take that kind of negotiating any day.

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  49. This clearly must be one of those days you look back on and say, if we made it through that day, we can make it through anything, only cringing slightly when you realize what further trauma the kids could be telepathically plopping (I mean plotting) for your ongoing demise and which might very well directly affect your mommy blogging shock value ratings. Maybe Sebastian saw that clip from Caddyshack when they find the candy bar in the pool that they think is poop, and he figured what the heck? Hope your days aren’t quite so crappy in the future. I forwarded a link from your blog to a friend with three little ones: ages 2.5 girl and 3.5 mos old twins for whom I nanny 3 days a week, and she told me about this story that I just had to read involving someone eating poop. Glad I found it in a yucky, how gross kind of way.

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  50. OMG. I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DID IT!!!! well now you have to retell this story to every girl he brings home.

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