7 Quick Takes: Couch to 5K

18 May 2012

No, I haven't finished the stupid program. I'm just about to start week six of nine million and all I have to show for my toil is a much higher daily caloric intake than (the already high intake) before starting the stupid program.

 For once I totally agree with your carefully considered sentiment, Julia.


Anyway, this is how I do.

1. Basically I just want to get in decent enough shape to simply start my (brillllliant) man Hal's Spring training program without keeling over and dying. If you look at the novice schedule -- this is a truly pathetic goal.

2. Hal actually deserves an entire take. If you are considering running a race of any distance, use his training schedules. Shoot for the marathon moon. I promise, it really is magic.

3. Back to ugly reality -- if you are smart and unfamiliar with Couch to 5K's program -- basically you just walk, run, walk, repeat for allotted amounts of minutes and as the weeks drag on, the walking decreases and the running increases. Its all very fun, as you can imagine.

4. I'm here to give you permission to also implement a "stop" button on your trek. Stop, put your head between your ankles and gasp for breath after running for 2 whole minutes.  You do what you have to do to survive. I do it and I would only consider myself a minor failure. Very minor.

5. If you happen to run on a hot and humid trash day and get stuck behind the trash truck and have to default to purely mouth breathing, you get bonus couch points. Your recovery shake may include Butterfinger bits and flecks of a gold medal. You deserve it.

6a. If a human is walking a dog or dogs or just themselves or is walking with a fellow human and they refuse to yield to you who is clearly a chariot on serious fire and you are forced to awkwardly lift shift yourself and your young into the dangerous street, definitely give them your best glare. If you can muster a mutter, "I will blog about you -- threat? no promise!", that will definitely show them. They'll learn.

6b. If a human driving a car refuses to yield to (very important) you who is clearly a chariot on serious fire and won't let you cross the street without breaking your fast stride from the comfort of their bucket seat throne, definitely give them your best glare. If you can muster a mutter, "I will blog about you -- threat? no, promise!", that will definitely show them. They'll learn.

7. If you happen to run while pushing two lazies, make sure to sneak out for a strollerless run one afternoon while they are safely and lazily napping. You'll feel like the non-flippered version of Michael Phelps on land. I promise.

For about 1,768 more exciting takes of the quick variety, go see Jen. You'll be glad you did. 

18 comments:

  1. I trained with couch to 5 K for the warrior dash. All was well and good until about week 7 when I nearly did. Good luck!

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  2. I'm reminded of Penny's comment from "The Big Hang Theory" to Sheldon when asked if she had any tracking stuff for distance:

    "I run until I'm hungry. Then I grab a bear claw."

    My personal philosophy is that I only run when chased.

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  3. I started the couch to 5k, but then I got mastitis and my knees were killing me... WITHOUT pushing a double pram. I truly admire your courage!

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  4. Pushing a double jogger is major impressive!! I always run alone...

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  5. "clearly a chariot on serious fire"....I think that just made my 6:52am morning worth it. I wish I would've read it at my first wake up call of 4am...also would've made it worth it.

    Also, I hear running can kill you, I sit a lot and eat these nasty weird "Healthy Monkey" cookies I made off Pintrest. mmmmm

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  6. I'm so impressed. Also, what is wrong with people? I cannot believe they didn't yield/move over for you!

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  7. Love this post. FYI- I do the Couch to 5k program... with entirely no intention of ever running 5k. See? http://couchofred.blogspot.com/2012/05/7-quick-takes-friday.html#qt2

    Thanks for blogging... I find your posts so funny, I often read them aloud to friends. :)

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  8. Nothing makes me angrier than walkers refusing to yield. SO RUDE. also, keep it up and in no time you will once again be a marathon champ.

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  9. oh my! 5, the 6's and 7 just gave me a laugh I really needed today! :D

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  10. Here's my way of making you feel better. I entered a race as motivation to get in shape after baby #3 and this former JV cross country runner ( I know super impressive) got schooled by a sixty-five year old speed walker. Mind you, I was running. Shame isn't word enough. Im currently training to beat that guy.

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  11. Do you really go running while the mini Pattons nap? I've thought about it, but was always too chicken to leave the house, even for both minutes before my legs/lungs wear out.

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  12. I tend to smack the cars that don't yield for me when I am running. It goes over really well. I'm just waiting to be shot.

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  13. totally want to try that running program! tried couch to 5k last summer and wanting a new running challenge. maybe this one will make me actually like running?

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  14. Oh you are ridiculous!!!! I'm barely making it up the stairs these days. You blog humbly but before we know it you'll be writing your own workout program - and I will purchase a subscription - you had me at butterfinger ;)

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  15. I can't ever start training for a race again. And do you know WHY???? Because every time I pay the entry fee for a race to "make myself" do it, I get pregnant. Not that I don't love my babies, don't get me wrong. But that's a lot of wasted entry fees, dude.

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  16. I have been reading your blog for three consecutive days now. I am allllll the way back to one baby, one in your bell days. That counts as running, right? Because I used to HATE running. And then I discovered that I could no longer eat the way I used to and I took up the forementioned hated activity. Until now. Because for the last three days I have been reading about running. Yours, as a matter of fact. Placing blame? No, just stating facts. :) See you tomorrow! Not on the run-way.

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  17. Go you!
    I used Hal's training schedule for a half-marathon and it really is great. Except I couldn't even run a mile so my super fit friend pushed to run a mile the first day, 2 miles the next, 2 miles the next, and then mercifully let me rest for a few days before running 3 miles. It was amazing. And awful. I'm hoping to train for a half again this year. That is, if I can make it through a whole day at home without soreness first. (Darn 10 lb baby!)

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  18. Forgot to ask: what brand is your jogger? I didn't realize they made joggers in that style and I'm in need of a double. Do you like it?

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