Mayday on Vday

15 February 2012


Julia, Sebastian, and I have all come down with a cold or the flu ... maybe a combo of the two: the clu. Julia's clu came complete with a smokers hack sidekick that is exacerbated by the ugly hours of the morning: 3:00, 4:00, and 5:32 which is odd because I was pretty sure I had found and confiscated all of her packs of Camel Lights but apparently not. Her nose is a prolific faucet that magically squirts a crustache onto her upper lip faster than I can say ... a string of bad words. Sebastian is just confused by his congestion but doesn't mind the blue bulb interrogations and I am donig jsut fnie wevaing in and out of a Dayquil then Nyquil then Dayquil again stupor. Raelly. I ma.

Enter Valentine's day. Clu be badworded, I decided I would pull out the small pistols and make a meal that didn't require my favorite function of the microwave: defrost.  Things were going to get fancy up in here with chicken rolled in crushed cornflakes, a tossed salad, sliced kiwi, and peanut butter infused (roll with it) cupcakes. I got as far is infusing the cupcakes with the disaster of a peanut butter mixture which had to be made with crushed cornflakes rather than graham cracker crumbs as I couldn't go to the store (we are currently a one car family as one of the cars is in the shop after a little tumble with a runaway tire left in the road until 'late next week' which in the language of truth actually means, 'Easter Monday' -- guarant AND I don't go to the store alone with tweedle cray and tweedle crazy -- too fun) when Julia threw her first of six temper tantrums that landed her in her first of six 12 second timeouts. Cold Schmold --  fever schmeaver -- vomit schmomit -- poor and obnoxious behavior is not tolerated by this understanding and loving mother.  Sebastian then started in on his version of a tantrum and since he hasn't quite reached the 4 month age of reason -- his poor behavior was reinforced by back to back episodes of Barney on the laptop while he lounged in the Bumbo (details on this highly effective discipline approach will be outlined in my upcoming book, "How to Parent Perfectly Always").

The picture of perfected motherhood and domesticity. 
Toddler watching Yo educational Gabba Gabba with three whole vehicles of hydration at her fingertips. 
Happy baby armed with blue bulb and cupcakes.
Talented photographer for a mother.


New paragraph for the frosting. I know there is a difference between granulated and powdered sugar but -- again -- no store for this hermita so I Googled myself into a disaster of a frosting that resembled brown cement -- or poop. Fortunately, the consistency lent to easy heart molding onto the top of the cakes. Success! And it was only 3:20. Simon is on a truly wonderful rotation this month that allows him to leave the hospital at 5:00. So nice. Of course enter the aye and the rub: there is always the outside chance that an unscheduled c-section will be scheduled (?) for sometime between 5:00 and 5:45  .. which Simon will have to do. Very fortunately, this has yet to happen. Until yesterday. Of course.

New paragraph for my mature response to the news. When Simon called to drop the happy bomb Sebastian was yodeling loudly about wanting to taste the poopcakes and so I had to get off the phone quickly ... because Sebastian was being loud ... not because I was mad ... and if I was mad it was because I was mad at the situation ... not at Simon. Of course. Because I am a logical lady. I always have been and I always will be.

I won't continue with the day's play by play because Julia is exhibiting nasty signs that she needs to go to bed at 4:19 in the afternoon (fine by me) but some bright spots of the holiday were that Julia learned how to proudly bring me a square inch of toilet paper to wipe her crustache with and I now have a whole lot of cornflake crusted chicken that I plan to top my heart-shaped pizza with tonight. Because apparently, according to almost every blog in the world, heart-shaped pizzas were the thing to make yesterday. Stupid Pinterest.  Leading me down the less traveled peanut butter infused cupcake path rather than the popular heart-shaped pizza path.

(and yes I realize my life is sheer bliss if my biggest complaint is a shortage of powdered sugar but sometimes I like a good vent of the typing variety - as you know all too well)

15 comments:

  1. Dying. When you write your book, can I do a guest chapter called, "your insane pregnancy hormone self grounds all the kids off the TV but not the 2 year old because he NEEDS the tv, and when the tv room needs to be picked up, you send the big kids in there to do so, knowing full well they're going to watch tv, but instead of supervising you stay upstairs and shout at the top of your lungs, 'you kids better be cleaning, and not even looking at the tv!!' from time to time"?

    Ok, maybe the chapter title needs some work, and the laptop definitely needs its shift key fixed so i can capitalize, but still, consider it, ok?

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  2. I laughed from the first word to the last. Stop it. Saving souls one poop cake at a time.

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  3. haha I forced my husband to listen while I read this entire post out loud. He didn't get half (most/all) of it, partially because he was surfing facebook on his phone, but he said he couldn't relate. But I thought it was perfection and could not stop laughing. googling substitutions for recipes is one of my specialties as well.

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  4. So funny Grace. What a day... sorry! Mine is nothing in compare but I did just do a complete wash/change/start laundry only to get another spout of milk on my clean baby, clothes, etc. Loved the image of Julia bringing you a kleenex for her crustache.

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  5. I actually get excited when I see a new blog by your on my feed! Lol! You make me laugh and I wish I had your sense of humor, seriously!

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  6. Oh Grace! I'm sorry, having sick babies is the worst, but when you're sick too?? Oh geeze, I can't even believe you were able to to all you did, even if there was poop resemblance. Hope you all feel better soon!! Like now.

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  7. Random story: yesterday I made muffins that I frosted and then called muffcakes. I realized how dirty it sounded only after proudly telling my husband what they were. I feel better knowing that I didn't have to call them poopcakes.

    Less random story: sorry you had a crummy Valentine's Day. I hope you and your littles are feeling better soon. I'll focus on prayers for no more unscheduled, but scheduled, c-sections. Take care!

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  8. That sounded like a whole lot of crazy. I hope everyone starts feeling better soon!

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  9. Hysterical. I mean....super duper sad, yes. But oh so entertaining. Do you know that I didn't even KNOW it was Valentine's day yesterday until the facebook gods told me? And then I totally ignored said fact? Aren't I just the picture of fun Catholic motherliness?

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  10. Just wanted to let you know that I LOVE your writing. Your blog posts always bring a smile to my face (sorry it is at your expense...) It is refreshing to see a mother write honestly (and hysterically) about the realness of being a parent. I have a 21 month old daughter who is a handful and Julia reminds me a lot of her. Reading the humorous spin you put on crappy situations makes me take a breath and try to see the humor in my own hard days/hours/weeks/minutes. :)

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  11. I look forward to your blogging more than you can imagine. Thanks for updating frequently and providing many laughs (sometimes they turn into cries). I am surviving life with a 5 month old little boy in a new town where I know NOT A SOUL and count down the minutes until my husband arrives home from work (DES-PER-ATE!) :) I suppose it makes me feel good to see other people's trials. Pinterest is the devil by the way.

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  12. Ha, yes!! I finally did something right and on trend and made heart shaped pizza. lol You crack me up!! The way you're able to take the pitiful and make it hilarious is so much fun. We're battling the clu in our house too. Crustache? Oh, yeah, my Little Miss is sporting it like a pro. I'm actualyl taking her into the doctor today because her late night coughing bouts have me worried...

    I hope your house gets healthy soon!

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  13. I really don't have anything else to say, but that you are funny. And that you are quite the woman to stay strong in the face of those trials. (this is not sarcastic.) I'm pretty sure I would have collapsed in tears.

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  14. I just want to say that "crustache" is my new favourite word. I will be using it often, as my best local friend has six very crustache-y children (crustacheans?). I am sure their immune systems will be very strong in a few years.
    Also, sorry to hear your Valentine's Day dinner didn't go so well. Better luck (and no suddeny-scheduled c-sections) next time.

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  15. Grace you are my idol! Please continue to be awesome. Good luck with the quarantine, no fun, no fun at all.

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