incongruity

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30 September 2010

Nothing terribly exciting to report today. Our right next door neighbors mailed us a congrats card. Stamped and all. I'm sure the card appreciated the road trip but the mail man was probably less than amused.

My Sister-in-law, Mary organized meals for us using this brilliant website and we feel ultra spoiled by everyone's generosity.

I was too much of an optimist the other day and tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans. Monster Mistake.

Julia slept one million hours in a row last night. She is a wonderchild.

My new least favorite thing to do is to take Julia to the doctor..even if there are no shots involved. Will I look like an absentee, careless mother if I just send Simon?

More photos of the family featuring Julia:

Aunt Mary. Every new mom should have her around. She has been THEE biggest help:


I look ten years older than my Mom in this photo:


Father Simone:


She makes these lovely faces in her sleep. Maybe she was learning the dance to Thriller?



Enjoy your Thursday.

Once upon a timeline....

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29 September 2010

To those of you who read the original beginning of this blog post...I apologize! I think it would be easier for all parties involved if I simply made the opening act of Julia's life a timeline. Unfortunately this doesn't cut down on the length so grab a sufficient food and water supply before you start reading....

(exactly two weeks until my due date) 9/18 10:00 a.m. Baby shower! For all of the fancy deets click me. Mary and Anna put on such a wonderful party. Julia received so many adorable outfits, blankets and accessories. I think she probably caught wind of all of her finery and decided she was tired of being an immodest little mouse and wanted to get dressed up pronto.

9/18 1:00 p.m. Simon and I went to his brother Paul's football game in the blistering heat. I began to notice the frequency of my Braxton Hicks contractions but chalked them up to the heat and lack of hydration. I pulled and played the "I'm pregnant and a huge baby" card and spent the last quarter reclined in the passenger seat of our family friendly vehicle in the parking lot. We decided to forgo our original plans of going to the state fair and go out for frozen yogurt at a local establishment instead (something we did/do quite regularly).

9/18 6:00 p.m. I began to time the Braxton Hicks that were beginning to get more intense and noticed that they were consistently 5-6ish minutes apart. Simon and I went over to his parents house to eat pizza with his brother and watch Notre Dame lose to Michigan State. I continued to time the contractions that were beginning to become a teeny bit painful. They were getting ever so slightly closer together...4-5 minutes apart consistently.

9/18-9/19 all night. I was unable to sleep due to the contractions and hung out with my favorito Google for a lot of the night trying to determine what 'real labor' actually felt like..when to go to the hospital..if I was crazy...897 birth stories...etc.

9/19 7:00 a.m. Simon and I went for a short walk around the park near our house. I was starting to have to breathe through the every four minutes contractions and slow my already waddley gait when each one hit.

9/19 8:00 a.m. Simon and I went to Mass at a local hospital ... ah...the irony. I did not participate physically in the Mass..I only sat and attempted a few stands. The contractions were upping their pain level and were showing no sign of slowing down. I was starting to strongly dislike them.

9/19 10:00 a.m.-11:30 a.m. Simon and I went to the birth care center. I felt silly walking up to the front desk...the lady asked, "How can I help you?" and I calmly replied that I thought I was in labor...and she of course asked if this was my first and if my water had broken. umm...yes to the former and no to the latter...which I felt made me an instant candidate for "idiot"...but we proceeded with the speedy check-in process anyway. A nurse took my history and checked to see if I had made any progress since my appointment on Friday morning. Of course I had not. They let me stay for an hour and checked my progress again....which was nonexistent. With my tail between my legs I listened as she explained the brochure entitled "Ready Set...Not Yet!!" and gave me an Ambien to help me sleep.

***the "Ready Set...Not Yet" brochure suggested that the (idiotic) mothers-to-be do things like.."go shopping" and "get a hug" (verbatim...) in order to distract themselves. I was in no mood to shop for four minutes...bend over and continue shopping for four more minutes NOR was I in any sort of position to be hug getting. I was 38 weeks pregnant and had the stomach/fat face to show for it. Needless to say I was happy I had brought my blowtorch in my back pocket for a little burn the brochure sesh post embarrassing release.

9/19 12:00 p.m. With a chocolate milkshake in hand to aid in my false/slow labor wound licking, we went home so I could sleep. Simon went to tour his Dad's new office digs with his familia while I sat at home and hallucinated thanks to the Ambien. I texted him that: a) my phone was a penguin and that the milkshake cup wanted to make an alliance with the penguin but that I did not approve and b) that I was sorry I couldn't make it to the tour but that I had battles of my own to fight at home. . . then I fell asleep/into a Juliet-like death sleep for three hours.

9/19 4:00 p.m. I woke up feeling like the contractions had vanished and I had indeed experienced the ever unpopular and dreaded...false labor. Thennn...I stood up and was hit by a ton of pain bricks/contraction. They continued and continued and continued with four glorious and pain free minutes in between each one. Their intensity increased and no amount of shower taking, walking or complaining would stop them.

9/19 10:00 p.m. Back to the birth care center we went! I was hesitant to return but was positive that the past few wretched hours HAD to have done something in the real labor progress department. Nope....nothing. The charge nurse on duty was the nicest lady in the universe and will probably be canonized as a saint some day. She suggested I get into the whirlpool to try and relax and pray for progress. She noticed that my toes were curling up a storm and kindly stated that this was a sure sign of real labor. My hopes were upped as I could NOT imagine at this point what actual labor would feel like if this was all an elaborate farce and that I still indeed had to go through another day long session of this torture. This is also the point I am pretty sure I told Simon through gritted teeth that this would be our first and last baby...meaning every word.

9/19 11:00 p.m. The whirlpool helped the tiniest of bits but not enough to warrant actually admitting me or getting an epidural. I suffered through the next hour and was finally given the green light to stay in the hospital and to get the epidural. At this point I was pathetically chanting words over and over and over to myself to get through each contraction and clutching the bed rails as the contractions had pulled out the big guns and were exceedingly nasty. Who am I? oh...a baby.

9/20 12:00 p.m. Received IV antibiotics and fluids pre-epidural. I was pretty petrified of the rod-sized needle they use to administer the epidural but at that point I didn't care if they had to slice my spine in half. I wanted a serious distraction from the contractions. The nurse anesthetist was (of course) my best friend during and after the procedure. It seemed like a lot of ladies say that they can't even feel their epidurals being put in ... this was NOT the case for me...but the pain was so slight and so fast that I cannot even kind of complain...even a little bit.

9/20 12:20 a.m. Bliss.

9/20 12:30 a.m. - 7:30 a.m. Simon and I tried to get some sleep (at some point Simon disappeared and reappeared in his night clothes with a comforter in hand {!} ... claiming he should probably get some rest....) but were a little bit distracted by the nurse that had taken up residence in my room. She monitored the baby's heartbeat, my fluids and contractions and n-e-v-e-r l-e-f-t. She was nice and efficient and we were able to small talk a little bit. She was also a little bit of a food/drink nazi which was supremely annoying as alllll I wanted to do was chug apple juice...not munch on ice chips like she cheerfully suggested. Anyway...I still would NOT progress. The resident on call broke my water (disgusting gush of disgusting) around 4:30 a.m. hoping to jump start the labor train. Surprise..surprise...nothing at all! The nurse wanted to start Pitocin but little Julia decided to make things difficult and do something (I didn't quite understand but pretended to understand at the time) with her little heart rate. . . . She finally calmed down and settled back into her rhythmic routine and the Pitocin was started.

9/20 7:25 a.m. We were assigned a new nurse. This nurse was another saint in the making and I was pretty ecstatic that we had her for the day. She decided to check and see once again...if any progress had been made and....MAGIC...I was complete and ready to push! She called the doctor...wheeled out a table of about 89 (what looked like) pairs of scissors (which scared me to almost death but I learned later were actually clamps...still scary) and got everything all set up for the birth of the little lady.

9:20 7:45-8:45 a.m. The dramatic pushing began. Kidding. TV shows and movies always make this part look so dramatic, sweaty and intolerable. Of course..I couldn't feel my legs but this hour was surprisingly laid back. Me, Simon, the doctor and nurse talked about running races, their plans for the day, their kids..etc etc..in between pushes. The only major complaint I had was the slew of tumbleweeds that had housed themselves in my sternum in the form of some serious heartburn. I indulged in some ice chips to try and calm it down but was unsuccessful for the most part.

9/20 8:46 a.m. The doctor put on her gown and called some more people into the room...they asked if I wanted to a mirror to which I promptly replied...NO, no and NO thank you. They exclaimed that the baby had a lot of hair and then all of a sudden...out she slid...allllll slimy and screaming! She was an angry little lady. Simon and I had both talked about which one of us would cry when she was born. We both had tears in our eyes as they let me hold her right away. Well actually they tore the top of my gown down and put her on my chest right away which I appreciated but was um...not expecting. I was pretty overwhelmed and couldn't believe that there had actually been a baby in my stomach all this time.

9/20 the rest of the day. Simon's family...my Dad...some of Simon's fellow med school buddies all came to visit. Julia was and still is a great eater and had us all running circles around her as she enjoyed her first day as a real live on earth Patton. I couldn't walk for several hours due to the epidural but when I did and could I wasn't in much pain at all....I cannot say enough good things about pain management and am so thankful that I gave birth in 2010 and not 1910. I would have probably died. Probably definitely.

This photo was taken in my hospital room. Goals for the day in a labor and delivery room prompted a lot of head scratching on our part but Simon decided that this specific goal was worth throwing on the dry erase board
Julia's due date isn't until this Saturday but we are oh so happy that she is here. The first few nights were really rough as she woke up every 19 minutes but we are slowly but surely learning the ropes of parentdom in all its glory with our happy little bebe, Julia Grace.

fiesta, fiesta

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28 September 2010

Yesterday was Julia's one week birthday. We decided to loosen our strict parent reins for the day and let her pick out her outfit. She insisted on pink, pink and pink:


We told her she looked like Tweedle Dee but she had her little mind set and wanted to wear this outfit. Doesn't she look pleased with herself?


She had an exciting day of visits to: Babies-R-Us, Target and the most amazing self-serve frozen yogurt establishment in all of Wichita: Orange Leaf. She wanted to hear today's hottest hits and so we let her listen to a little Bruno Mars to which she promptly yawned, kicked off her socks and said..no thank you!


She then Skyped with her Uncle Andrew and his girlfriend Halley who are both studying in Rome this semester:


She topped off her crazy day with four whole minutes in the swing before her parents realized she probably wasn't quite old enough to be doing such a big girl activity at the tender age of one week:


...She apologizes for the onslaught of her photos that has recently taken over the blog but can't help but share one more with her parents enjoying a lovely afternoon in the park:


To see a post sans Julia...click THIS RIGHT HERE to see the amazing transformation that her Aunt Mary made happen at our house recently. We are forever grateful.

unsolicited familial candor

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27 September 2010

Simon and I were so touched when my three brothers (ages 17, 15 and 13) decided to hit the road on Friday after school to come and meet their first and only niece. The drive is long and arduous from Albuquerque but in they valiantly rolled circa two in the morning on Saturday morning/Friday night. They held Julia, asked a million questions about Julia ("does it have personality traits yet?"..."does this thing kick hard?") and got to hang out with their brother-in-law, Paul. At one point, my brother Paul (age 17) had this to ask:

Paul: "not to be offensive but..uh...is that (pointed at my stomach) going to uh... go down?"

Grace: (eye brow raise that grazed the highest of heavens)

Paul: I mean..its a scientific question!!! I'm just curious.

Thank you for that.

Here is the little honest Abe himself with Julia. Because...I'm sure you are just dying for more photos of her being oh so exciting ....


...and on a more positive and pulse quickening note...Julia didn't wake up ONCE last night! I had to wake her up to feed her and make sure she had positive vital signs this morning. I can't sing the book's praises any louder.

will the really real Pattons please stand up?

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25 September 2010

We've got two bits of absolutely, undeniably, unbelievably unbelievable bits of going ons here at the Patton Camp today.

Firstly, know that your eyes do not deceive you. Our yield for this week was pretty impressive. I'm pretty sure the garden caught wind that we had grown and harvested a human and realized that he/she (gardens are more feminine I'm guessing?) needed to get going in the growing department. Not to be outdone by Julia the garden produced these beauties:


Secondly, thanks to a book that is worth its weight in gold to me right now:


Julia only woke up ONCE last night. UNO time-O. Go ahead and roll your eyes in your I-couldn't-care-less fashion but after her first few nights were spent waking every 19-60 minutes..this is a VERY welcome change to her/our routine. I only employed a couple of the tactics described in the book but am confident that by continuing to follow these rules carefully, we will have a much more rested, healthy and happy familia.

true life: I live with a hoarder

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24 September 2010

and her name is Julia:


In fewer than four days she has accumulated more "necessary" gear than I ever thought humanly possible. Little diva.

But we will keep her...even if she does care about sleeping during the day rather than reading my all-important blog...

nurse says

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23 September 2010

In lieu of a Simon Says I will share a little quote from my least favorite nurse from my hospital stay. This exchange is meant for mature audiences only...so earmuff and blindfold yourselves immature readers:

Grace: soo...busy night huh? (it had been a crazy night of baby debuting apparently)

Nurse: (sigh and eye roll) always in September. People go to holiday parties in December...get drunk...have sex and forget to use their birth control resulting in nights like last night.

Grace: (covering Julia's ears) oh. yes...that is...horrible (?)


and on a more kid-friendly and less annoyed note...





While I love Julia and thoroughly appreciate her obvious zeal and zest for life...I sincerely hope that she begins to understand what we earthlings do when it gets dark on earth...sleeeep....and that this will result in a less tired looking Grace. I do love her mohawk though.

I'll try not to post too many photos...I know two times in two days is a bit much.

Birth odyssey developing...stay tuned!

Julia, day three as an earthling

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22 September 2010







She has been a busy little bee.

Allelulia, Julia is here!!

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20 September 2010

Julia Grace Patton has arrived!! She was a feisty one and was not pleased to be yanked from her cozy throne but we are overjoyed that she is here!! She was born this morning at 8:48 am and weighed 7 pounds and 8 ounces. I am rather busy working out the details of my gig as epidural advocate and spokeswoman but promise to post delivery odyssey and photos soon.

Dignity reclaimed

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And now in real labor. This little lady is taking her very sweet time for her debut on planet earth!

spotted:

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While Simon and I were innocently strolling through our neighborhood. Yes, she is a Wichita native and has chosen to reside near glamorous us. She seemed to be in deep conversation with her teenage daughter who was rocking a stink eye and an all black ensemble.

This week at Camp Patton, stay tuned for:

1. the trip to the hospital that did not a baby produce but rather an ostrich egg sized dose of humility laced with embarrassment and a pamphlet entitled: "Ready, Set, Not Yet!" -- a page turner. You won't want to miss this.

2. the deets from the nicest most wonderful baby shower in the history of baby showers. I think I am the luckiest pregnant lady in the world. Photos won't do the thoughtfulness and decor justice.

*please appreciate this post as it was typed with one hand. The other hand is busy comforting my "practice" labor.

the quakes

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17 September 2010

A lot of blogs do seven quick takes on Friday. Since I am fresh out of anything funny, newsworthy, exciting, entertaining cetracetracetraaa...I shall try do give you seven quakes (a marriage of quick and take...if you will)

1. My wonderful room polishing sister-in-law and old college friend design-star Anna are hosting a baby shower for baby Patton this weekend. We are both very excited and are really grateful to have such wonderful compadres here in Kansas.

2. Simon has been working/schooling like a crazyhorse lately. I am trying to learn from his ne'er a complaint attitude and stellar work ethic. I have miles and miles to go.

3. I find myself thinking about running 24 times an hour. I am hoping to channel this desire post-partum. I hope the baby enjoys jogger rides laden with a little Lady Gaga and Cascada. If not...we are in for some serious disagreements when she is merely weeks old.

4. I went to the doctor two weeks ago and she said to "get the car seat ready!"...I then went back a week later and she said "patience is a virtue!". We'll see what she says tomorrow...but I am not holding my breath for any ideal news in the making the baby an ex-utero lady department.

5. I'm still not nesting. Simon said he had read that doing laundry would surely induce labor. I genuinely believed him for an entire day...little trickster.

6. We survived a storm saturated with tornado sirens and large hail pellets on Wednesday night. I'm grasping at split straws here. Really sorry.

7. I can't muster a thing to write for a seventh...much to your waning attention span and glazed over expressions' disappointment I'm sure.

onward and upward.

desperado

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16 September 2010

NOT that I have necessarily been but if I HAD been..in fact...googling how to induce labor naturally...I might just find some unconventional advice like this:

Galloping - Many women claim that imitating a horse can help start labor. There are videos on youtube if you want to try this!

For the time being I will say that I am above this seemingly hilarious and ridiculous method but give me a few more weeks and I just might not be above a single mad method.



Neigh.

mission: almost impossible

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15 September 2010

My sister, Emily, is a senior in college and sent me a request to complete a simple survey about her for one of her classes. See below for what the simple survey entailed:


All of the other cowards she had asked to participate had answered under the clever aliases of "anonymous" (and one "unanimous") but I was a brave lioness and tried to choose the five (wasn't tempted into choosing six) most innocuous of the bunch and follow up with an......areyouserious??? note.

All the excitement for today.

statuses of wisdom

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12 September 2010

Remember my brother Pedro?



Well, Peter is a somewhat of a prolific facebook status updater. Here are a few of my recent faves:

mickey mouse club house is getting so dramatic

school has its positives and negative but theres more negatives then positives


my mom tried to give me this sleeping stuff then i lay in bed for to hours i figure to take some differnt sleeping stuff i never slept

Parents favor there young children I know it


aloost bite of his lip because hes numb from the dentist

just burned a pizza for 2 hrs

Great day hhmm actuelly affle

My family was recently in Illinois visiting relatives and we all went out to get some ice cream. As we were leaving Peter was sure to spell his name to the high school aged employee so that he could easily find Peter on facebook. What a lucky duck.

Simon Says

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10 September 2010


I know its been awhile since Simon has dropped any gems. He has been working hard this month but he did ask me this yesterday:

"Grace, do you promise to tell me if I develop even the tiniest bit of cellulite in any areas that I can't see?"

of course, Simon.

drama king

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08 September 2010

In great anticipation of the season premieres of the fall shows, I present one of the funniest scenes from Modern Family:

Adventures in Babysitting

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01 September 2010

I was minding my own business just babysitting away the other day when all of a sudden this magnificent creature caught my eye just outside the window:



I couldn't believe my eyes. An elk-mini? A deer with huge antlers in broad daylight on God's green earth on this very day at this very hour for me to marvel at? I promptly opened my flip phone and started snapping away. I tried to get the four month old to understand how exciting this was and I was even (oh soooo briefly) tempted to wake up the 18 month old because surely...this was a rare occurrence?! The four month old responded to my excitement by just spitting up all over my clean shoulder (for the 15th NOT an exaggeration time that hour) and didn't seem in the least bit interested. I watched as the lawn mower men didn't seem to care either (who were either smoking joints or home made cigarettes the entire time they mowed...none of my business I suppose).

An hour later the elk-mini/deer with huge antlers seemed to have not moved a centimeter and so I squinted and squinted and moved to another window to get a closer look.....and then I realized it was all an elaborate farce and the animal was a total fake. I'm not sure why anyone would have such a realistic looking elk/deer in their yard standing oh so realistically and majestically to taunt all who enter their sitting room. Target practice? A children's toy? the hunter's version of the pink flamingo?

And so...I was left to try to solve other exciting mysteries lurking about the house. I never quite figured out what was in this particular baby bottle:


a goldfish smoothie? A carrot milkshake? spit up mixed with V8?

I'll let you be the judge....

 

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